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9/20/2015 c1 34A New Username
I thought it would be a quick, fun read, based on the summary. I thought I'd be able to take pride in being this piece's first reviewer. But you know, I was kinda wrong.

You're still a beginner, right? That's the only way I could comprehend so many simple mistakes being made over eight-hundred words, and so many times each, to boot. Not to mention the scene you wrote out could have been much better at around two-thousand words, with a less rushed, more in-depth pace than what you wrote. So many actions and motions that Kayaba made in the tutorial, you failed to write about at all, much less write about competently.

First off, dude/tte, dialogue needs its own paragraph, with the only thing joining in being the occasional descriptive modifier. No entire paragraphs of both dialogue and narration mixed together, please and thanks. It looks sloppy, unprofessional, childish, and just plain wrong, grammar-wise. Not to mention how confusing it would be to someone who can only read at average level if they lost their place. They'd be like, "Oh, dammit, I lost it again. I think I was at the third set of quotes... or was it the fourth? Shit."

I was fine dealing with it because I read at a level far above average, and have since I was ten. But that doesn't mean I can say it's acceptable. It's downright poor writing, and I kind of have standards.

Second off, learn to use commas properly. This one wasn't as common, but instances like (here comes a quote from your fic) "Thus, you can assume that the danger, of a NerveGear being removed is no minimal" are totally incorrect. The second comma doesn't belong there at all. It's unnecessary, and only makes the reader unintentionally pause in their reading for no reason. Commas are meant to break up pieces of a sentence that are complete thoughts, but not complete sentences on their own. But your comma didn't do that at all, and just created unnecessary pause in the narrative.

On the subject of that quote, you should have said "is now minimal", not "is no minimal". But I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume it was a genuine typo, which could happen to anybody.

Third, let's talk about your pacing. You were way too rushed. You got way too caught up in just writing the intro so you could get to the part you wanted to write, but that's not how writing works. You have to have nice, smooth, even pacing throughout the whole work, including the start, or none of your readers will get to the part you actually want to write. You'll lose the readers you want to keep around if you just rush through every part you don't like. This scene should have lasted over two-thousand words if it were written decently.

You focused so much on what Kayaba was saying that you almost completely forgot to describe what he was doing. You know, the hand gestures, arm movements, his gigantic menu appearing, all the news channel broadcast windows appearing. Not just that they were brought up, but HOW they were brought up. How they all disappeared, how his voice sounded (it obviously went through a distortion in the Japanese dub, because Heathcliff/Akihiko didn't have a voice nearly that deep. In fact, Heathcliff's voice was also different from Kayaba Akihiko's IRL voice in the Japanese dub. Three different voice actors played the same guy.

Ahem. Back to the topic at hand before I get too tangential.

Honestly, I'm glad you didn't start out this fic with a sword fight. If you had, I would have seriously blasted the hell out of you for your insolence at even trying to write a fight scene at your level (I get really passionate about proper swordplay narrative). Trust me, if you think I'm blasting you now, you've never seen me get worked up over something in a story. Fortunately, now I can just calmly warn you not to bother until you know how to describe body movements, and implement those movements into your narrative. In other words, you need to both know how to do it and be able to apply it competently. So yeah. Don't write a fight scene yet. You're nowhere near ready for something like that, especially in an archive like SAO.

Honestly, you shouldn't be writing SAO at all yet, since fight scenes are such an intrinsic part of its culture. Maybe an SAO alternate universe set in high school where nobody does anything remotely physical with their bodies ever, but definitely not something that plays off of canon. It's kind of like you found a video game you already suck at the beginner's mode of and noticed it had a 'hell mode', then decided to try it. That's how woefully unprepared you are to be writing SAO. (FanFiction or writing is the game, and SAO specifically is hell mode) Or, it's like watching me play Kingdom Hearts games in Critical Mode without cheats, where I get owned in a single hit by literally everything after two worlds. In other words, you're set to get constantly blasted here if you don't shape up before trying again.

So please, just back off of the SAO scene and bolster your skills before you ever continue this. At your current skill level, it's a fiery wreck waiting to happen.

I'm sorry if what I say discourages you or makes you angry with me. While it's true that I am trying to dissuade you from writing SAO stuff at your current level, I only do that because if you don't, your interesting premise here will draw in people far, far worse than I was. People who don't have any tact whatsoever and just yell at you and tell you your work sucks without explaining what's wrong or giving any advice whatsoever to make it better.

If you want to respond, go ahead, and I might give you a more detailed map of what needs fixing. I just scratched the surface here, despite how long-winded this is. If you don't want to respond, that's cool, too, since I'd understand perfectly if I seriously offended you or pissed you off with something.

See you when I see you, I guess.

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