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8/3/2020 c7 012004
,,!11?
9/29/2018 c3 Guest
Chapter 3 review.
How can you be so happy! It was just geting good and funny AND JUST SO MUCH DRAMA. The next chapter beter be beter or just as good if you dont want an unhappy reader.
4/25/2018 c7 Zelda Ray
Love it you need to post the next chapter soon I'm living in suspense!
11/14/2017 c4 FlameRider2000
Just got up to the part in chapter 4 where he says that he's sir percidal of sadlygrove, so I'm sorry for telling you stuff that you already knew. But that still begs the question of why you call him Grovey if you're aware that Sadlygrove if where he's from.
11/14/2017 c3 FlameRider2000
Sorry to bother you but 'Grovey's' name is actually Percidal. Sadlygrove is where he's from(I think). He even says several times in the show that he's Sir Percidal of Sadlygrove. It's also why his actual nickname is Dally.
6/12/2017 c7 40m.tarnina
Hi, and sorry again for not being able to beta earlier - had to go and get educated ;). This (nearly) done, let the nitpicking begin.

Hmm, a cold opening. Nice, just the right lenght. Although your narration hasn't been lemony before ("good question, Adamai") - this isn't bad in itself, but a bit of a surprise. You might be developing a Style there, and I like it, it has some zing to it. Can stand further improvement (everything does) - remember my advice about reading things out loud. The villagers' plan is sound - it's their faith in the navy that may backfire, since the letter hasn't actually reached them yet. By the way - have you noticed that Grovy may seem like a dummy, but when he actually bothers to think, his logic is impeccable? (You probably have, because you do write him this way.) He's intellectually lazy, rather than stupid. The goodbyes in the village are a little too stretched - you don't have to do that much dialogue (you're still finding your feet with it, so don't sweat now, just practice).

The "visibility dropped drastically" is a problem, though, because you're trading clarity for snark. Never do that. You can't give the reader one image and then say "it was completely unlike that" - that's annoying, most of the time (can be useful, but only rarely). Zinit doesn't have a constant storm on it (see the episode when Quilby goes there) - let's chalk it up as an AU, ok? Also, I'm not sure Amalia could call the brambles when not on land, but my memory is unreliable. Maybe she has. The portal rescue idea I was planning to use in my fic, ugh ;P Seriously, it's just logical (I love creative use of Yugo's portals!)

Oh, dear, Evangelyne. Nearly forgot about her, poor thing. You could try to show her grogginess a bit more, instead of describing it. More confused rambling as she's waking up, less adjectives ("tired mind", "creaking lamp" - you could have her hear the creak first and only afterwards realise it's the lamp, eg.). "She didn't like the situation a little bit" no kidding. Although the chains may be an overkill on the baddies' side - nothing in there she could use to escape. Also - "bowl", not "bowel" - this wouldn't be caught by spellcheck, but definitely would be by a sentient reader (sorry again!). Spies have kids, too, Eva, although I'd be mighty suspicious of the guy on general principles. "Receive". Being a "bad guy" doesn't necessary mean kicking puppies on every occasion, either - genuinely evil behaviour just isn't very sane. This baddie (or at least his group) definitely has an agenda, though, and if I were Eva, I'd be trying to suss it out.

Ruel did follow the iop, he just did it with more grace (I'm imagining Grovy sprawled on the ground). Pay a bit more attention to the punctuation (missing commas). Okay, Maro, you're just baiting trouble (looking forward to it!). Good job on the little details (the oil stain) - they do paint the character.

Hmm... second thoughts? This is going somewhere, hopefully not to the obvious place. "They both weren't" - "Neither of them were" would flow better. The voice didn't "remark", it asked, possibly with disinterest. Ah, and the names of the classes - I don't think they should be capitalised, just the names of the gods. Oh, so that's where they are? Creepy. Definitely creepy.

"Trek" (like Star Trek). Loose rocks (called stone run or stone river) are hard to walk on, since they slide from under your feet, but don't occur on slopes steep enough for the stones to just tumble down. Anyhow, this would be tiring not because of the steepness, but because you're unable to make two steps without almost falling. Oh-oh. Keep him busy? What kind of iop-headed plan is that, Adamai? Now we're in for an EPIC fight. As in, Old Norse epic, where everybody gets killed gloriously. Which would find much approval of iops.

Wakfu is invisible to every eye, not just naked (unless the Eliatropes built any, there aren't optical instruments for detecting wakfu). Vary sentence structure a little - after "they were", you could have "the lines started out thin", for example. Describe what he sees a bit more - are the lines straight now, connected at right angles? Then say so. "In front". Yugo was surprised, not his step. Speak friend, and enter. We're getting intense now, aren't we?

Not to jinx it, but you seem to be doing fine. The lines starting to converge, and all that. Still lots of room for improvement, though. Onwards and upwards!
6/12/2017 c7 Silverwood68
this story is amazing! keep up the INCREDIBLE work!
3/23/2017 c7 2DARKPHANTOM13
Yugo better be quick, otherwise his friend ain't going to last long. Good to see this story updated, you don't see many good Wakfu stories these days.
10/25/2016 c6 40m.tarnina
Hey, you're definitely getting better! That's quite a nice opening, and your style seems more polished now, although not perfect yet. But you're on the way there.

So. Why do you feel the need to tell us, explicitly, a scene is a flashback? It should be visible - and it is. Trust your technique.

The dialogues could benefit from a little more trimming, though. Read it out loud, make it snappy. And spellcheck, even if it's sometimes stupid - you can add names to the dictionary, so they don't raise alarm. Also, tag it a bit more - not in action scenes, but the slower bits flow better when there's a little dialogue and a little description intertwined.

"Damage" is uncountable (the ship was not very damaged, but not "had few damages"). "His crazy, weird self"? I'm not sure about this. You're showing something else, and this something else is good (it suggests he's going to do some reckless heroics, possibly). I'd just have him tighten his mouth and glare at the island.

Adamai speaks "with mirth in his eyes" - I'd say "with a merry glint", or maybe "with a mischievous wink" - show it more, instead of telling.

But cut the details if they don't matter for the story (or make it prettier - the light on the water is a good prettifying detail).

Movement among, not between. The captain wasn't "taller than six feet", but "over six feet tall". The description of his scarred arms is clunky - start with the sleevelessness and musclyness, then go into detail. Also, scars were on his skin (on his muscular arms) - we couldn't see scars directly on his muscles.

Oh, shucks, Ruel! That's so in character for you! And Yugo's really getting into it, huh? But Jigo's inferrence is a bit premature, seeing that he was so skeptical before. The problem with fish is, they actually have very good sense of smell - underwater. I don't think they'd be able to smell stuff on board of a ship. Knocking people unconscious, despite what you've learned in the movies, is harmful to their health (Google "punch-drunk"). They couldn't just get up and fight again after a couple of minutes, except maybe if they were Pandawas (and I'm dibsing Pandawa pirates ;) - joke. Of course you can have some - they're welcome to try and drink mine under the table).

Adamai, telling pirates you have a Sadida princess with you? Seriously? They're pirates, they double-cross people for a living! True, they have no ship now, but still. It's the principle of the thing. Ruel was in tears, not under them. Don't use so many adverbs - cheerfully steering the ship sounds a bit silly.

Bottom line - you're growing. Keep up the good work!
4/30/2016 c5 m.tarnina
Hey, you welcome! Hope you're ready for some more nitpicking ;)

Your style is getting better, but you're still a bit careless - nothing wrong with enjoying yourself while writing, but really, read it afterwards. Calm it down a little. Don't "identify" the boats, for example - say our heroes could see now they were catamarans.

Yay, sea gipsies! Fantasy needs more of those. Harpoons should always be sharp - again, read what you wrote calmly and get rid of such small illogicalities (e.g. caught in a calm - don't they have paddles?). "The resident's skin was - along with being tanned in the sun - laced with small cuts and scars." That's a clunky sentence. The reader stumbles over it. I'd write: "Thin white scars and cuts marked the villagers skins, distinct against the suntanned background." But that's what I'd write, and that's right now. I may come up with something better tomorrow. You may come up with something much better today. Cut the unnecessary words: they didn't "sit being busy", they "sat, busy". You don't have to tell me these people were in trouble - you've already shown it. Trust yourself a little.

"(...) central building of Nageville. The biggest one to be precise" - no. Central building that towered over the others, sure. The biggest building, conveniently placed in the centre. Read things out loud.

They weren't "assaulted" by the smell, since it didn't hit them on the head and take their lunch money. What is a "waterpillar"? Of course, I can figure it out, but it's an odd neologism and makes the reader stumble. Sometimes, you'll want the reader to stumble, but this seems accidental.

"His dagger firmly grabbed..." Held. But what's important - you can't put that sort of clause on its own - it needs a sentence to be attached to. He shouldn't be musing while fighting (unless he's very absent-minded) - it's counterproductive. The narrator is allowed to make asides, so don't worry about reading you characters' minds - when narrating in third person, you don't have to. Slashes ("tool/weapon") are evil. They make you lazy in your descriptions, banish them.

"Grinning evilly" - "With evil grins", or "Evil grins on their faces" would be better. Commas have a function - they divide a sentence into easily readable bits (third time's a charm - read things out loud!). Don't use them randomly.

Ooh, banter! Banter has a function, too: when heroes engage in it, this means either a) they're not very challenged, or b) they are trying to appear cool. Maro trying to appear cool is a little contrary to what you've already said about him. Think this through. As of yet, he's been unconcerned about other people's opinions of him.

Avoid repetitions - Yugo could have counted six pirates around, for example. Also, not "six remaining pirates on deck", but "six pirates remaining on deck" - it reads smoother. You're a bit too exact in your descriptions (pot, kettle, yeah). The pirate's belt "was only a rope to be honest" - he's not complimenting anyone. I'd say "was really a piece of rope". "After which" is clunky, too. The kids stopped crying mostly, not most.

Adamai wouldn't have the time to think so much during a fight. Hit by a cannonball, out cold, and not hurt too badly? Sorry, but I don't think so. He might be thick-skinned, but this just sounds improbable. Aristotle's writing advice: impossible that sounds probable works, possible, but improbable - doesn't.

In general, the fight scene could be more focused, but that's not my specialty. You might want to find someone who does these well and learn from them.

So - don't rush yourself. Read, write, think (I need to practice what I preach...). I can tell you like writing, which is a good thing, it motivates you. The most important piece of advice, though, would be: don't follow advice blindly. Not even mine. Think. And spellcheck.

Wind in your sails!
12/4/2015 c4 TheBlackMew
Continue...just continue...but do a fight scene
11/19/2015 c4 m.tarnina
Brace yourself, for this is going to be a long (and hopefully useful) review.

Starting with the obvious problems - your spelling and punctuation needs work. I suspect you're just so excited about the story you can't take time to spellcheck, but please do - it's good form. Also, use horizontal lines - the "linebreak" thing is distracting. Grammar and idioms get odd sometimes (not "the bunch of work", rather "a lot of work"). This can only improve with reading a lot in English (I recommend Ray Bradbury - you'll fall in love).

Show more, tell less. "Telling" is informing ("they said goodbye to Phaeris", "she looked obviously distressed"), "showing" is, well, showing it in a scene (eg. some dialogue and then Phaeris retreating to his lair, a description of Eva's face and general body language). Of course, you don't need to show everything - this would make for a really long story - but the rule of thumb is: tell marginal things (explain background: see the start of The Lord of the Rings with its infodump on hobbits), show what you want to focus on.

Dialogues are more than a bit slow - read them out loud (if your siblings can stand it, ekhm...) - this helps making them snappy. In any case - cut the fluff. If it doesn't carry information, get rid of it. Generally, repetition is a problem here, of both information ("tired and exhausted") and words. Don't use the same word ("eyes") four times in one paragraph, unless you need to draw attention to it - this is dificult, so use carefully. You also need to pay attention to the rhythm (yes, yes, pot, kettle, black). Long sentence, two short, long, two short, and so on. Vary it a little, of course, but unless there's something special going on, that's the established way to do it. All long sentences, and the reader is lulled to sleep, all short make an annoying staccatto.

Polish your style - read a lot and practice. As it is, it's quite undecided and uneven - it'll come with practice. The "cue heroic pose" does not look good in literature, it's a jarring shortcut - describe the pose. You had a good idea with the introductions paragraph (intercut dialogue/what they're doing), but it needs lenghtening (just a bit!) and polishing.

Plot/characterisation problems: Yugo shouldn't tell them he even considered killing Quilby - one, they don't know what happened at Crimson Claws (he sounds kinda evil here without context), and two - he can easily just tell the king where Quilby's dofus is (in Balthazar's care, safe and sound) and leave it at this. He's not proud of the whole Quilby thing and likely unwilling to talk about it.

The dialogue between Yugo and Grovy in chapter 3 needs work - it could be a touching scene between two friends, but feels rushed. Slow Grovy's realisation down a bit, cut Yugo's moral fears (in the particular situation the fears seem forced - nothing dire happened yet, and he's confident in Grovy's fighting ability) and this can be a really nice point. I'm not sure whether Amalia would confide in the boys, either (beggars can't be choosers, though - maybe she would, but not necessarily at this point).

The tavern scene - either the would-be brawlers are all talk, or the bartender is so badass they're scared of him. Choose what you want, but choose something, because otherwise he wouldn't be able to stop the brawl, would he? Ask yourself these questions. They flesh out the story.

Why doesn't Maro look like a sailor? As I imagined him from the description, he's quite sailory, in a steampunkish way. (Love the steamship! but don't give us dimensions - if you need to tell how large something is, compare it to, for instance, a house).

The spy meeting is cartoonish - should build tension, but doesn't (playing with knives was a nice touch, but the spies incompetence ruins it - if you were going for "ax-crazy perky minions", don't - it's hard to do well). Also - "Every heist he's gotta start yellin' my name!" - not very clandestine, calling each other by names. Aren't these guys supposed to be some sort of ninja?

Three months old is too young to laugh (but old enough to smile), and not coordinated enough to play with butterflies (large, jerky movements, Wikipedia says) - she'd be starting to reach for things at this stage.

Bottom line - lots and lots of work before you. Hard to judge the plot at this point, as it's only just starting, but I hope I've been of help. Don't lose your spirit - your shorter stories show quite an intelligent mind, you just need to learn how to express your good ideas. Read good books, write every day (at least a little). Perserverance pays. Or so they say ;)
11/18/2015 c4 Thrintiox
I like the story, hope youre going to finish it and dont stop after like 10 chapters like 90% of the others
11/16/2015 c3 Rebellion Dragon
Please make more chapters. I really like where it's going!
11/14/2015 c3 Awsomeblox14
I love this story keep up the good work!
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