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for A New life and Family in New Orleans

10/29/2020 c1 Taylor eaglebear
pleas eupdate i wanna read more of this story
9/28/2020 c1 mattcun
I can't wait to see the next chapter
8/25/2020 c1 James Birdsong
Good tale obviously
1/8/2020 c1 stacyleedam25
Please update this story is so good and can't wait to see what happens next
4/12/2019 c1 25Yut Taha Aki
Please update

Update Update Update
11/12/2018 c1 Wika0304
please update, it starts great
9/24/2018 c1 8This guy doesnt have a clue
Good start
7/13/2018 c1 andjelija.nenic
Update more chapters about this story,because it's the best,extra and the great story that I was reading about it,and I am also starting to love and to like reading to this story. So can you please write more chapters,because I want to know what happens in the next chapters about it. THANKS SO MUCH FOR WRITTEN TO THIS STORY,thanks so much about it.&&&£££%%%$$$
1/12/2018 c1 Bronze
You are now four for four with stories I'd really like a hell of a lot more of! But DiNozzo is Wood in disguise? How did you come up with that?! Wood was the most die hard Quidditch person alive at that supposed school!
10/9/2017 c1 brownmarcella349gmail
ADD ANOTHER CHAPTER!
10/8/2017 c1 5Magpie1600
This is a great story.
9/25/2017 c1 ctc
will you ever continue this story?
2/9/2016 c1 Beth5572
I would love to see what you write next. Your a great writer and your stories are great too. Keep up your great work. I hope you write more soon.

Thank you and Please,

Terri
11/1/2015 c1 AE
Just to add to my other post, as my tumblr link did not post correctly for you to potentially message me, the URL is hellselves. :)
11/1/2015 c1 AE
Pretty good but there are some problems with the grammar and how you explain things that could use a little working on.

"...now they turned on him and plotted to murder him as soon as they could" - this would sound better as "Ron and Hermione had gone through so much with him. Now they had turned on him, and plotted to murder him as soon as they could."

"He knew he had some family in America, in New Orleans he assumed,..." - what made him assume New Orleans? Correct me if I'm wrong, but America is a big place. Lots of states and cities. Why did he pick out New Orleans in particular? Why did he ASSUME New Orleans? Where is the basis for this assumption?

The second paragraph is a little bit of a mess. Harry apparated [...] "would you like a complete change, Lord potter?" Griphook asked him. Harry thought on that and came to a conclusion, "Enough so that Ron and Hermione don't recognise me anymore." - There needs to be an enter, a paragraph change when someone new speaks. I've put three lines where it would work best. This is basic English stuff.

I also believe it was established within the film that potions cannot change the appearance for an extended amount of time, hence Polyjuice potion only lasted a little while- and they had to be quick with that in Chamber of Secrets.

"That was how Harry James Potter became Christopher LaSalle. The adopted younger brother of Cade LaSalle and he had a sister too." - This is very clunky. Would sound better as "[...] became Christopher LaSalle- the adopted, younger brother of Cade LaSalle, as well as the brother of [SISTER'S NAME]."

"Pride noticed LaSalle's behaviour, "Pride, I know the vic (vic? Just write victim)," LaSalle revealed. Pride looked at him, "Who's she, Chris?" He asked. LaSalle swallowed hard. "An old friend of mine's wife. Lavender Thomas nee Brown." LaSalle looked as though he was going to cry, Brody placed an arm around his shoulders. "What's Dean gonna say?" He choked. (No need for Alabama/New Orleans accent. If you're going to pick one, pick one. A general Alabama accent sounds different to a specific New Orleans accent. Research.) - Again I put three lines where a break needs to be inserted.

-

It's an OK fan fiction but being more in depth and describing more will do you the world of good. Don't rely on quickly rushing to detail. As a writer of many years, people do not appreciate quick, flashing detail unless it's of something unimportant- like an object of no relevance, or a brief overview of a room.

Don't rely on the reader knowing the characters well, either- describe the characters properly. How did his face shape change? Did it change? His eye shape? Nose shape? Build? Musle? Fat? Height? That stuff needs to be described... Because I'm not quite sure what character I'm imagining. I know the characters, but I can't picture them in the story because they are very two-dimensional.

Looking at LaSalle compared to Potter, there's a huge difference in face. Body. Posture. It's not described. Is it Harry with LaSalle's short hair and eye color? Or does Harry now look exactly like LaSalle? If so, how does that look? Are there traces of Harry still in LaSalle? Even short stories with short chapters like you have need detail, or the readers can't immerse themselves and understand what's happening properly.

Generally work on your writing, work on how you structure sentences and paragraphs. Read more books- a lot more, learn how they structure and write, don't copy them outright however.

Things to remember:
Slow down. You don't need to move the story on quickly. What you have is OK for a first draft, but for it to be 'complete' you'd need to revise it, add detail, make it move slower. Explain why things happen, why things are assumed. Explain settings. Moods. Atmosphere. Don't rely on what your story is about at its core to make people engrossed.

If you need more help or want to ask questions, feel free to drop me a message on tumblr - .com.

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