for Dodging Prison and Stealing Witches - Revenge is Best Served Raw1/2 c2 
1A10riddick
Great chapter even though I'm not caught up yet!
Will Harry be visiting the ghost and Carpenter again?
1A10riddickGreat chapter even though I'm not caught up yet!
Will Harry be visiting the ghost and Carpenter again?
12/27/2020 c49 I'mJustTryingToLearn
I have something to say before I say what's on my mind. Your a great writer...but your not that great of a storyteller. Throughout the book I saw great things. The characters weren't to OC and stayed pretty much the same, sadly this wasn't the same for Harry.
Now Harry he was great until you decided he needed to split his time too much and I began to feel as if he was the MC anymore. He began, to me at least, to feel like a side character and was seen less and less. I can probably say you did this for the ability to focus on the other characters, but you did it so much though.
Another thing Harry did what I think is the definition of stupidity. Who in their sane mind, maybe not so sane in the case of Harry, would not kill the person who wants them dead. Yes, I understand Harry wants his girls independent, but that's it they're girls, not fully grown men like Harry who should be making the decisions, especially over a person such as Voldemort to children? Not anyone with a half decent brain.
So color me surprised when he doesn't take the chance to kill Voldemort. This is were I have to say I got pissed. Harry after letting Ginny get her chance of revenge and fails, you know what he does? He does nothing. This doesn't show the mind and actions of a man who wants revenge, but a man who is having too much fun playing a Grey Dumbledore.
Besides these complaints your a good writer and a decent storyteller.
I have something to say before I say what's on my mind. Your a great writer...but your not that great of a storyteller. Throughout the book I saw great things. The characters weren't to OC and stayed pretty much the same, sadly this wasn't the same for Harry.
Now Harry he was great until you decided he needed to split his time too much and I began to feel as if he was the MC anymore. He began, to me at least, to feel like a side character and was seen less and less. I can probably say you did this for the ability to focus on the other characters, but you did it so much though.
Another thing Harry did what I think is the definition of stupidity. Who in their sane mind, maybe not so sane in the case of Harry, would not kill the person who wants them dead. Yes, I understand Harry wants his girls independent, but that's it they're girls, not fully grown men like Harry who should be making the decisions, especially over a person such as Voldemort to children? Not anyone with a half decent brain.
So color me surprised when he doesn't take the chance to kill Voldemort. This is were I have to say I got pissed. Harry after letting Ginny get her chance of revenge and fails, you know what he does? He does nothing. This doesn't show the mind and actions of a man who wants revenge, but a man who is having too much fun playing a Grey Dumbledore.
Besides these complaints your a good writer and a decent storyteller.
12/27/2020 c5 9Kitty Burglar
Hello hello, you said that you write fic to practice, so here's a bit of critique for you. It's been a while so I don't know if you know this already so bear with me. When you're writing dialogue and a person is talking in paragraphs, you start each paragraph with a quotation mark but don't close it at the end. Instead, you close it at the end of their speech. For example:
"I like cake. It is soft and moist.
"But it is not only soft and moist, it is chocolatey.
"And that is why my favourite food is cake."
Hope this helps!
9Kitty BurglarHello hello, you said that you write fic to practice, so here's a bit of critique for you. It's been a while so I don't know if you know this already so bear with me. When you're writing dialogue and a person is talking in paragraphs, you start each paragraph with a quotation mark but don't close it at the end. Instead, you close it at the end of their speech. For example:
"I like cake. It is soft and moist.
"But it is not only soft and moist, it is chocolatey.
"And that is why my favourite food is cake."
Hope this helps!
12/25/2020 c57 all forms of fluff
Third or fourth time through, lost count.
Ever time I come back to this story I enjoy it. I'm not sure if I ever left a review of this in the past, the site doesn't keep review past a certain number, but the story deserves all the praise even if I'm not going to heap so much on to it. I really like the idea behind this story. It's sort of a revenge/fix-it/wrong-boy-who-lived with a hit of harem tendencies, all separately great plots to follow and together they have amazing practically dripping off the pages. There were some points that didn't sit well but I can't see a reason to go back and fix them, those points would be book one and the fights. As time marched on you seemed to have found your groove in the action bits and by the tournament arc you've shown that you have hammered out the action to the point that going back to the simple: this person did this. that person did that. magic happened and the fight is over.: formula and the readers can picture what the characters will do now that you have fleshed out so much of the magics the Slytherin group use.
I do have some questions though. The animagus ritual... would any of them besides Harry even remember their year in the unicorn hunt? I believe you stated that only the animal life is the 'real' body, doesn't that mean that the other selves are just phantoms and all their advancements and ides are going to be lost? That Harry only remembers because his animal is sentient and thus he was able to use his recently learned mental partitioning of his mind to create a mental copy of himself in his mind palace? Maybe I read it wrong, and it isn't like I'm confused about what you were going for, merely pointing out that I think you may have broken lore to pull off the year of what was accentually hyperbolic time chamber training.
I am also very interested in R.B. and his Slytherin locket. In this world you've created the potters haven't died, obviously, but we still haven't heard from wormtail and Moony. The Potters believe that Remus is some dark lord of sorts, and the wolves of Fullmoonia seem to be interested in the guy, so I can see RB to be Remus who in this world found the locket in the Black house and has thus become a vessel for the locket. If the thing works like it did in the book then it would convince him that he is the wolf and and that fighting it is useless. Though I also like the younger Black brother being alive even if Kretcher isn't with him. But either way that still leaves the last marauder unaccounted for.
I sure hope that Dumbeldore shows up again soon. With Harry flaunting his 'Father's wishes for him to return home and the story of Slytherin's book being leaked, and a the fall out of the storm I can see Dumbeldore being asked to return to the castle and Lockhart stepping down. But then now that you've locked 'Harry Potter' out of hogworts you can start having Slytherin make more overt moves not that he doesn't have to be attending classes... at least until the promised three months are over then the wards of Hogwarts have to be retuned to their normal settings as Slytherin promised Fudge.
You still have the obscurial in the fedilus in Slytherin manor to deal with, and now that you have a magically null Granger patriarch maybe you could have him walk up and give the kid a great big old hug and see what happens. If the guy can banish house elves with a touch then he is basically a walking ritual room, he could insure that no magical contamination occurs with the runes that he mills. Or, and this just came to me as I write this. What if Dan is a magical heat sink like when the girls had their magic pull in to wake up the sunken boats enchantments and some effect will happen once he absorbs a set ammout of magic? Then again I'm now curious what a dementor would do to him, or rather what he would do to them. or any other amortal being that survives on magic... oh hell this could be all the Dark needs to offer up as proof that Muggles are stealing magic. And the Goblins are really going to be pissed... unless they wanted the ghost orbs to do what Dan had achieved. I could totally seeing him being made to work with for for the goblins. It would certainty give Harry some leverage if his vassal can walk though any word like a ghost and have it fail or simply not touch him.
Speculating aside I'm looking forward to seeing how the school year ends and how you're going to intergrate book 3 into this long mess of story. I do have to wonder what your end goal is for the story, not just book 3 of this section of it but the whole end game situation with Death's champion fulfilling his goal of setting up a meeting between Riddle, and all his bits, and the grim reaper himself. Until then thanks you for sharing this story. It's been fun to read, and I hope the next arch gets posted soon.
Third or fourth time through, lost count.
Ever time I come back to this story I enjoy it. I'm not sure if I ever left a review of this in the past, the site doesn't keep review past a certain number, but the story deserves all the praise even if I'm not going to heap so much on to it. I really like the idea behind this story. It's sort of a revenge/fix-it/wrong-boy-who-lived with a hit of harem tendencies, all separately great plots to follow and together they have amazing practically dripping off the pages. There were some points that didn't sit well but I can't see a reason to go back and fix them, those points would be book one and the fights. As time marched on you seemed to have found your groove in the action bits and by the tournament arc you've shown that you have hammered out the action to the point that going back to the simple: this person did this. that person did that. magic happened and the fight is over.: formula and the readers can picture what the characters will do now that you have fleshed out so much of the magics the Slytherin group use.
I do have some questions though. The animagus ritual... would any of them besides Harry even remember their year in the unicorn hunt? I believe you stated that only the animal life is the 'real' body, doesn't that mean that the other selves are just phantoms and all their advancements and ides are going to be lost? That Harry only remembers because his animal is sentient and thus he was able to use his recently learned mental partitioning of his mind to create a mental copy of himself in his mind palace? Maybe I read it wrong, and it isn't like I'm confused about what you were going for, merely pointing out that I think you may have broken lore to pull off the year of what was accentually hyperbolic time chamber training.
I am also very interested in R.B. and his Slytherin locket. In this world you've created the potters haven't died, obviously, but we still haven't heard from wormtail and Moony. The Potters believe that Remus is some dark lord of sorts, and the wolves of Fullmoonia seem to be interested in the guy, so I can see RB to be Remus who in this world found the locket in the Black house and has thus become a vessel for the locket. If the thing works like it did in the book then it would convince him that he is the wolf and and that fighting it is useless. Though I also like the younger Black brother being alive even if Kretcher isn't with him. But either way that still leaves the last marauder unaccounted for.
I sure hope that Dumbeldore shows up again soon. With Harry flaunting his 'Father's wishes for him to return home and the story of Slytherin's book being leaked, and a the fall out of the storm I can see Dumbeldore being asked to return to the castle and Lockhart stepping down. But then now that you've locked 'Harry Potter' out of hogworts you can start having Slytherin make more overt moves not that he doesn't have to be attending classes... at least until the promised three months are over then the wards of Hogwarts have to be retuned to their normal settings as Slytherin promised Fudge.
You still have the obscurial in the fedilus in Slytherin manor to deal with, and now that you have a magically null Granger patriarch maybe you could have him walk up and give the kid a great big old hug and see what happens. If the guy can banish house elves with a touch then he is basically a walking ritual room, he could insure that no magical contamination occurs with the runes that he mills. Or, and this just came to me as I write this. What if Dan is a magical heat sink like when the girls had their magic pull in to wake up the sunken boats enchantments and some effect will happen once he absorbs a set ammout of magic? Then again I'm now curious what a dementor would do to him, or rather what he would do to them. or any other amortal being that survives on magic... oh hell this could be all the Dark needs to offer up as proof that Muggles are stealing magic. And the Goblins are really going to be pissed... unless they wanted the ghost orbs to do what Dan had achieved. I could totally seeing him being made to work with for for the goblins. It would certainty give Harry some leverage if his vassal can walk though any word like a ghost and have it fail or simply not touch him.
Speculating aside I'm looking forward to seeing how the school year ends and how you're going to intergrate book 3 into this long mess of story. I do have to wonder what your end goal is for the story, not just book 3 of this section of it but the whole end game situation with Death's champion fulfilling his goal of setting up a meeting between Riddle, and all his bits, and the grim reaper himself. Until then thanks you for sharing this story. It's been fun to read, and I hope the next arch gets posted soon.
12/20/2020 c57 Guest
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12/21/2020 c25 Spica75
"the strength of the male she could have been"?
In physical strength, that's a difference not even worth mentioning.
The only real difference male to female is that more male hormones makes it a bit easier to gain musclemass.
If you have a male and female age 18, otherwise identical DNA and living conditions, both VERY, and most importantly, EQUALLY sporty and physically active(because that's nearly always what makes the difference in the real world), the difference in strength will most likely be something like 5-10%, if you instead compare them around roughly age 11-13, the advantage in strength would instead be held by the female due earlier puberty and the fact that before puberty, there are no genetical differences in strength between male and female at all.
Go the other way, lets say age 25, and include extreme strength training, and the male advantage increases a bit, but extreme training also isn't something you get "for free" from your heritage or gender.
Waaaayy too worthless to give up part of your sense of taste for.
OTOH, Alexandra seems a wee bit reckless one might say...
"the strength of the male she could have been"?
In physical strength, that's a difference not even worth mentioning.
The only real difference male to female is that more male hormones makes it a bit easier to gain musclemass.
If you have a male and female age 18, otherwise identical DNA and living conditions, both VERY, and most importantly, EQUALLY sporty and physically active(because that's nearly always what makes the difference in the real world), the difference in strength will most likely be something like 5-10%, if you instead compare them around roughly age 11-13, the advantage in strength would instead be held by the female due earlier puberty and the fact that before puberty, there are no genetical differences in strength between male and female at all.
Go the other way, lets say age 25, and include extreme strength training, and the male advantage increases a bit, but extreme training also isn't something you get "for free" from your heritage or gender.
Waaaayy too worthless to give up part of your sense of taste for.
OTOH, Alexandra seems a wee bit reckless one might say...
12/20/2020 c53 DeadFish37
1) Lord Slytherin is Remus Lupin?
2) How can Susan and John be gullible enough to believe that Virgo's merger destroyed the horcrux, but Harry's didn't?
These aren't exactly serious criticisms. I enjoy this a lot. It's clear things will become even more interesting going forward.
1) Lord Slytherin is Remus Lupin?
2) How can Susan and John be gullible enough to believe that Virgo's merger destroyed the horcrux, but Harry's didn't?
These aren't exactly serious criticisms. I enjoy this a lot. It's clear things will become even more interesting going forward.
12/18/2020 c28 Seph.chibi
Not gonna lie, I was liking this story a lot before chapter 28, but now I'm disappointed and angry. Stupid decisions, forced plot and actions out of character, all of this happening in like the last 3 chpts.
Not gonna lie, I was liking this story a lot before chapter 28, but now I'm disappointed and angry. Stupid decisions, forced plot and actions out of character, all of this happening in like the last 3 chpts.
12/16/2020 c14 DeadFish37
I love your Luna. She is excellently amusing, in a way which surprises and puts everyone off guard. I also enjoy your subplot of Harry trying to court Alex, with her being more resistant to his aims. It makes for an entertaining first fourteen chapters.
I love your Luna. She is excellently amusing, in a way which surprises and puts everyone off guard. I also enjoy your subplot of Harry trying to court Alex, with her being more resistant to his aims. It makes for an entertaining first fourteen chapters.