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for Under the Stars

8/12/2016 c1 Tim
D'aww. Super cute
1/21/2016 c1 2catant914
Interesting idea. Very nice.
11/29/2015 c1 57Villain84
Really liked this. Thanks for writing this! I love KyoMami! :)
11/12/2015 c1 3KoalaNoob
Hey, this story was great, I really enjoyed it! My only point of confusion is when this takes place. It doesn't seem to fit anywhere in cannon?

[wanting desperately to stare wide-eyed at those stars again]
Dang, this is really a gem. I love your prose, and this is a shining example of the amazing snippets that make your writing as good as it is.

[You've always loved looking up at the stars]
I like the way this part sounds, but it also feels a bit strange. Hasn't Mami been out of contact with Kyoko for around a year at this point?

[But if you tell anyone I said that then I will deny it then probably stick my spear through them]
Up to here, the tone was fairly consistent, and well done. The attempt at humour here feels out of place. It would probably flow better if "then" was replaced by a comma, too.

[Angrily munching her candy bar she wiped her eyes, refusing to allow herself to cry]
This was very easily the weakest line in your story, there are quite a few issues in it. The sudden development from calm to angry isn't explained, and there really isn't much reason for it to be that way. Munching doesn't fit very well with the tone of the story and sentence overall because it's usually used to describe mindless or cheerier scenes. "Refusing to allow herself to cry" could simply be "refusing to cry", and the story could honestly do without that line at all.

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