Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Certain Futures

11/12/2015 c1 11Anonymaustrap
Hello, Anonymaustrap here, and I found your piece as part of the Review Lounge, Too's Flashathon/Reviewathon. I'm not lore blind to star trek, but I do know that people take the universe in different directions, so I might not know certain parts of your lore. I'm always interested to see what people do with the Star Trek Universe, and I found your piece via the Star Trek:Other Community. I have not played FASA's Star Trek, so I might miss some details.

I like how you bring out the mystery of the Captain's cadet cruise right away - Captain Willis' cadet cruise was really well done, but somehow, his performance afterwards has been mediocre. I'd love to see that explored more, as to what happened that made him so stellar in is cadet cruise, or what changed him to a life of mediocrity.

I think its an interesting touch to put (In German) next to text. You might even consider using actual German. The exchange is short. I think this is to provide foreshadowing Is this because later on the fact they can speak german foils the Klingons understanding what they are saying? The reader might be confused that the universal translator cannot translate German, or for some reason, the Klingons do not have Universal translators. Is this because of the timeline?

I'm not sure why the fact the ship was carrying dilithium crystals proves the attack came from Klingons. The attack of the Klingon seems a bit abrupt, though your depiction of the action of brief and to the point, though perhaps too much too the point. It feels abrupt at times.

It seems like there are several good stories that are put together into a series of vignettes or moments. The Klingon theft of dilithium, the mirror universe, the destruction of the captain's ship...all great moments that you could probably flesh out to make a really good set of stories.

Quibbles:
Stairmaster is a brand name. You might want to change that to a stepping machine, or better yet some sort of holographic exercise platform.

Captain Korn is an unfortunate name that makes the villain sound silly. Even Captain Kron is better.

If the laughter was unending, it would still be going on, so you might want to say 'seemed to go on forever' or 'seemed unending'

This is just a couple of examples, and you might want to give this a second or third read. But personally I'd go after one of the smaller stories and really flesh it out until you're comfortable with it and then build out the entire series.
Good luck!

Desktop Mode . Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service