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1/6/2016 c1 AccursedArgus
Please remember your goals when you write some fiction. If you wish to focus on the nature of these people's experience together, then focus on the details that bring this out. Explain what Kai's costume actually is like, focus on the shape and form of his body, explain why someone would find that compelling. Don't just state that they are together because those sorts of statements are trivial to perform. By showing how they react, talk to each other even in their casual conversation, you can put in symbolism and memories and interactions that tell the reader "these people have a history together and this moment is meant to be". Then when you write the actual scene of them together, it pays off massively and the reader will be enthralled with your imagery because they will feel like they can see them in their mind's eye.

The secret to writing stories like this is that the details matter. The subtle shifts in voice. The playful expressions on faces. The music playing in the background. In real life, all of these things are important - they give context to a meeting and let what would be a normal get-together feel like something more passionate and intense. The characters deserve a chance at that sort of emotion. Write accordingly.

Outside of that, there are some consistency errors. But that is minor. The dialogue and the events you've chosen are the major faults because they are the points that inform the reader of how awesome this scene is, and they aren't the best constructions for it. But keep it up; it might be hard but it'll be worth it.
11/11/2015 c1 20KinomiyaHiwatari
Great story ! I really like it :)
11/7/2015 c1 39Little A Granger
Despite the lemon being removed, I enjoyed the creation and I am blushing :). Awesome job!
11/4/2015 c1 catspats31
While the writing quality of your story is great, please note this part of the Content Guidelines:

"Please note FanFiction does not accept explicit content, Fiction Rating: MA, and the rating is only presented for reference."

Please remove every single detailed description of physical interaction of sexual or violent nature from this story if you want it on this site, or try to upload it to a site where "Fiction MA" content is allowed such as AdultFanfiction or Archive Of Our Own.
11/4/2015 c1 21Aeristine
*wipes drool off chin* Holy Crap that was hot. I loved where Tyson just finds Kai jacking off. Kinda liked Tyson not being a virgin as well. Kai being a slutty devil, I love it! Max and Tala as a couple? Interesting pairing.

Awesome story, fantastic work! I hope to see more things like this from you in the future ;)

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