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for Spirit Singer

5/9/2018 c1 13KnightLawn
Excellent job on this story.
12/26/2015 c1 14Penelopi
I'm not familiar with the Legend of the Five Rings, just so you know. But, I think you have enough put down here that someone who's familiar with that world could understand everything you're talking about. If you want to make it a little more accessible to those who aren't as familiar with it, like if they've only played a couple sessions of the LotFR, I'd recommend adding details about the castle and more passing mentions of details of the world. For example, is the castle Japanese-style like the rest of the environment? What are the Returned, and what is the significance of them "returning"?

There are a couple of mistaken words. The word you are looking for is "yukata" rather than "yutaka"—I double-checked on Google. It's hard for me to remember those, too, because foreign words don't mean as much to me as those in my native English. Also, "altar" should replace its homophone "alter."
There are only a couple other notable grammar errors. I noticed that the possessive apostrophe is missing in most instances. For example, "...the revelation that the common peoples children..." needs to have an apostrophe in "people's". The same rule applies even to place names in most cases, so Oracle's castle can also have an apostrophe. In one sentence, "...Yume accepted the bowl and drank deep of the water," "deep" functions as an adverb and so should be "deeply."

Your sentences are complete, and your commas are generally used correctly, which is rare in fanfiction. It is a big breath of fresh air to be able to smoothly read sentences sectioned properly by their clauses.

There is a lot of material to draw from for this story, and the role of your character in the world draws interest. I like that you included the flashback to the discussion with the Oracle, since it is an important event for Yume and is the main event that she is responding to in the "present" scene. I think you ought to include flashbacks for other events mentioned in this chapter, too, especially the meeting with her two guardian spirits. That seems to be a very important and potentially impactful scene, and for it to have the best emotional impact, the reader should see the scene firsthand. If you're not sure what to put for more chapters, I submit that such flashbacks would work well.

You have Yume's background and character well thought-out. I see that there is a lot to her that can be addressed in more chapters. Your sentences are flowy and light, which works well with the mysterious aura of spirits and foggy destinies. Sometimes the narration style can gloss over important things, though, giving an impression of distance. Don't be afraid to dive deeper with your character and detail more of her history. Your readers do want to thoroughly know where Yume comes from and what makes her Yume. Dive deep into the recesses of her soul and vividly show readers her inner life and background—up close and personal—and readers will come to know her like you do.

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