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for Undoubtedly Ungrateful

4/18/2016 c2 5DearestDissapointment
Wow so much over reacting. Go jump into a ditch
4/18/2016 c1 DearestDissapointment
Wow look how shit this is. 0/10. You are a terrible writer
1/29/2016 c2 LHG
Now you have five. :)

(I actually enjoyed the story. Writers like you are few and far between. Keep up the good work.)
1/15/2016 c2 89Shana Hager
Don't listen to people like that; I though your story was wonderful. Take care.
-S. H.
1/4/2016 c1 43bladewielder05
Interesting, interesting! Don't worry about the deadline. You were not late at all. Well, let's get to it!

Though I do like the introduction concerning about Dark Pit's ungratefulness, I have to say that I felt that it was a bit too much as this is primarily a Super Smash Bros. fanfiction. The focus should have been on the Super Smash Bros. franchise, not the Kid Icarus franchise (maybe I should have been clear on that...). I understand that it was important for you to set the premise with that though. The part where Dark Pit said "hey" isn't very awkward. It sounds a lot more arrogant and confident in-game.

The latter part was the one that captured my interest the most. The sight of everybody either in despair or dying was a surprising addition to a story that was supposed to have the theme of gratitude. You played the opposite quite well as repeating the statement "Dark Pit was undoubtedly ungrateful" served to emphasize the how important it was that Dark Pit thanked Pit with his dying breath. It struck me as a bit odd how Pit referred to Dark Pit as "Pittoo" when I think he wouldn't have used that teasing term in death.

Most of your grammar was sound, except in the second portion of the story where Dark Pit starts refusing Lady Palutena with no's. The second "No" is missing a period. The last "No" is missing a quotation mark. For Meta Knight, I think that how I spelt it here is right. I'm not sure, but I haven't seen Meta Knight spelled "Metaknight". That just might be me. Same thing with Mega Man. The hedgehog in Shadow the Hedgehog should be capped. Other than that, I couldn't see any other grammar mistakes. Descriptions were all right. A little more might have been appreciated, but I do understand that you were under a time crunch, so it's perfectly all right. There were some holes in this story that I think would be explained in another story, perhaps? That part about Bayonetta, when you said how shitty the train system was, the tone of it didn't match the overall tone of the section. Though I appreciate a little humor, everything has its place and I feel that humor did not have a place here.

Anyways, overall good job! Good luck to you in the contest, and either way, I hoped you had fun! See you in the results!
12/29/2015 c1 17Monolaymoo
Oh! This is really good! Except the lack of explanation, but it's interesting. You should check out Shadsie's One Black Feather fanfic. The eye-thing is a bit the same, though how things got there is a bit...
12/28/2015 c1 89Shana Hager
Poor Dark Pit. Always ungrateful till the last moment. I enjoyed this story.

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