Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Power Play

1/16/2016 c1 1Righteousham
Hello and good day,

I wish to begin this review by addressing your opening author's note. The Clone Wars featuring child soldiers was not a lax decision as you put it, but a deliberate choice on their part. It ties thematically into many of the concepts surrounding how the Jedi Order was failing as an institution and had been doing so for some time.

Also, it's to represent just how overwhelmed and unprepared that both the Jedi and Republic were for the war. Children Like Ahsoka fought because the they had no choice. They grew up as warriors and soldiers; not the peacekeepers they were supposed to be. Ahsoka, Barris and the like were raised and treated like fodder by an increasingly disconnected and pressed Council and Senate. During the course of the show both of them came to that conclusion and both realized the order had lost its way.

Now onto the chapter itself. One of the reasons you may not be seeing any reviews is due to your use of First Person Perspective. Writing in the first person is harder than any other form and much more difficult for your audience to follow.

The reasons one might wish to use such a style is because they want to explore the innermost thoughts and feelings of a single individual while hiding those of others from the protagonist. Alternately, using the first person is a great way to set up an unreliable narrator; to have a character that lies to others and - most importantly - themselves, or one that lacks crucial information that is used to set up a later reveal.

No matter the goal, it must show the thoughts and feelings of said character. It must make your audience feel as if they're inside the protagonist's head. At no point during this chapter did I feel as if I were living in Arturo's head and the reason is simple. The descriptions of what he was thinking and feeling were too clinical as if he were describing them in a journal after the fact.

The difference I'm describing is a subtle one, I know. However, when seen on the page it's easy to separate the good from the bad. There aren't many good example of first person writing on this site that I've come across. However, I invite you to look up a story titled, "The Gentleman of Weapons." It's located on this site under the Cartoons/Avatar category and is an exemplary demonstration of the First Person Perspective.

The content of the chapter itself was fine. However, I see no reason why it can't be writing in Third Limited. I feel you'd likely see more traffic if it were.

Lastly, it would make your story much easier to read if you properly separated the dialog. Remember, every time a new person speaks you need to break and start a new paragraph. This will help with overall flow and make your story that much easier to read.

Good luck in your future endeavors and: Keep Writing.

Desktop/Tablet Mode . Blog . Twitter . Help . Sign Up  Top