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8/16/2019 c1 ddddaaaae
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sesshomaruandrin . blogspot . com
sesshomaruandkagura . blogspot . com
12/6/2016 c27 Falneou17
I'll be honest with you; I don't know what's more adorable: the fact that you think that you are not talented, the fact that you feel like you have to thank me, or the fact that you mention my name first in both your list of "thank you's". Regardless, I am glad to see that you're back, kind of disappointed that this story suddenly ended, and impressed that you came back with an 8k-ish chapter. Unlike other chapters, I won't be writing responses as I read through it. Rather, I think I'll do a more conventional review this time around.

All in all, I would say that I found this chapter "great", but falling short of "amazing". Taking your three-month hiatus into account, this is perfectly understandable; as a matter of fact, with your hiatus taken into consideration, you did a lot better than I thought you would be doing for this chapter. Not saying that I wasn't expecting a lot from you, as I've seen you develop over the course of the time that I know you, but that I know how easy it is for writers to fall in terms of quality after an extended period of time of silence. You're reading a review written by one such person.

The description and detail that you gave in this chapter specifically was pretty good, and it really helped me envision the scenes in my mind's eye. While it was bumpy at times, I feel like you did a really good job in this department (again, considering how big of a gap there was between your last update).

However, with "pretty good" comes things to improve to make it "great". As you said, this chapter felt rushed from the writer's perspective, and while I don't agree with that statement of yours in its entirety, I agree that some scenes could have benefited from a bit more expanding upon if you had given it.

Most notably is the ending (both the fight scene as well as the final massive paragraph). Especially with how powerful The Boss, 700, and, to a lesser degree, Leon were depicted in earlier chapters, I felt like they managed to overpower them a bit too… quickly… as for that final massive paragraph… you were thinking of writing an epilog and, if I may be perfectly honest, that paragraph would better fit as the summary of the epilog rather than the last paragraph to wrap up this story.

Don't get me wrong, you've outdone yourself with this; a chapter that is well past the 8k words mark after a three-month hiatus? That's impressive in its own rights, and I'm trying to find the right way to try and bring that across. That's impressive.

As far as this story as a whole goes… As DeathDealer said before me, it is quite rare for an SYOC-type of story to be done well, let alone be completed. It's also really difficult to be writing an almost completely OC-centric story well from start to finish due to the nature of OCs (though I guess having written stories with some of these characters helps in that department, am I right?). I can't say that there weren't any rough edges all around, but it was well written and well depicted! Great job!

Was this chapter (or even story as a whole) "perfect"? As much as I like to say that it is to try and lift your mood, I already promised that I would be honest here… and being honest requires me to say that it isn't. However, this story was still an amazing piece of work with a ton of good points that makes it stand out in the crowd. I found this story enjoyable, and that makes it great in my book.

So I will end this review with this: thank you, Petal and Copper, for writing this story. I will be looking forward to seeing what else you guys bring forth in the future.
12/5/2016 c25 26BlueCelebi
Part of me is really sad to see this ending, but most of me is very proud. It's not like I had very much input or anything haha but it's been great being able to watch this story grow. Like a chick turning into a magestic chicken.
Mithril: Magestiiiiiic. *nod* *nod*
There are so many things I can say (for once!) but I'll refrain because no one wants to read an essay of a review. Plus, i'd run out of room before I finished. Anyway, let's all make a toast to one of the greatest fanfics of all time, at least in my opinion! *hold up root beer float*
Mithril: Wheeeee! *holds up Faygo*
If I could favorite this story a hundred times, I would!
12/5/2016 c3 6DeathDealer Inc
Chapter 27 Review

To every beginning, there is an ending. Every door that is opened must eventually close.
And when one door closes, another door opens.

Not the best poem, but hey, I'm an evil corporate executive. I can just buy all the other poems. Besides, I think the message got across.

Final Cons
1) I feel like the way Kaz and 700 got off was just too...easy. After all the horrible stuff they both did, it doesn't seem right that they just got away with it and received a perfectly happy ending.
2) I feel like too few of the characters were involved in the final fight. Given that a finale is meant to be what all build-up until that point has been leading too, a lot more of the characters' story arcs should have been involved in it. See "Independence Day" for a good example of a climax that ties everything together.

Final Pros
1) I don't think you appreciate how rare it is for a SYOC story to actually end! There are hundreds of stories based on submissions that stop after the first chapter, so the fact that you actually stuck it out all the way to the end and brought closure to everything is a massive achievement!
2) Mithril...you're a sweetheart
3) I noticed the final battle brought in a few things from past chapters. Have you ever heard of a literary device called Chekhov's Gun? It's the technique of having details from the past end up being really important later on, one of the harder literary devices to pull off but oh so brilliant when done right. I think you pulled off a minor Chekhov victory in the case of this battle.
4) The dream realm was actually really creative. For a part of the story that only have a few minutes of explanation, it was surprisingly well executed and interesting, and made sense within the universe that's been established.
5) Krook, we hardly knew ye, but you were a real dile.

And finally, the chilling conclusion to the cool ghost story. After returning from the war torn fields, the sniper sat at the mess hall with one of his buddies and told him the story of the jerkwad in the other foxhole who blew himself up and almost got him killed. His buddy immediately became confused, and pointed out that the story he was telling was simply impossible: he was a sniper in the way back where no one was around, and plus, if someone did die, then why was it that everyone who left on the mission was still with them? The sniper froze up, and so did the buddy, as a single question ran through their minds: "Then who did I give my grenade to?"

Speaking of questions
1) Did Orange break out of the engagement? Does that mean he's a wedding dodger?
2) Do you think we'll ever get an album of Orange's best hits?
3) I could list off point by point the plot threads that seemed to cut off, but instead, I think I'll just condense it all here for space: What about [insert plot thread here]?
4) What's next?
5) Would you perhaps be interested in buying stocks in DeathDealer Inc? Killing fictional characters since 2016?

But in the end, all these questions mean nothing. Because the story was good, and you should feel good that it was good. Most importantly, it had a solid conclusion. You have no idea how many times I have been heartbroken by stories that cut off in the middle or even before they ever got off the ground. Even I've been guilty of this. So the times when I see a story have a solid beginning, middle, and end fill me with joy.
And in the end, if the story wasn't good, you know that I would tell you. So I hope you believe it when I say with absolute sincerity: This story was good.
9/14/2016 c27 26BlueCelebi
I know how much school and music can consume your life. I'm a really social person and though I see my friends a lot I hardly ever get to actually do something with them. Anyway, I wish you luck, and see you in December mah friend!
9/11/2016 c27 59Falneou17
I see… as it so happens, I was actually starting to get worried. No worries, I understand! I wish you all the best with real life and the marching band, and until December!
9/11/2016 c27 6DeathDealer Inc
Right, so in order to see new chapters, I must first destroy all music. Got it
8/31/2016 c26 59Falneou17
No worries! We all know you've been very busy lately!
Ah, classic XD though all credit to her for being able to stay asleep while standing! That is really difficult… they were… "mixed"…? Looks more like variations of a similar effect to me ;). One would wonder why they haven't prepared ear plugs by now… I mean, everybody must have known of his awful playing by now, right? Just some advice for the guys: relying on finding the bad guys by using cues that only appear AFTER the bad guys made a move is never a good thing (unless you are *censored because I know neither of you have watched that series yet*). Yup, fear the leader if you want to live XD that's very true… obsession may seem like a good motivating drive at first, but you will end up with nothing once it is all over… you guys are getting deep XD guys, come on… I know I said Leon had a rough past, but that… darn… Porcupine Hair was AFRAID?! Wow… fear the glaring powers! But wouldn't you, by default, know how to disarm it if you know how to set it? Not that I have any knowledge of the subject at hand, but… darn, I know Kaz is obsessed with getting 700, but that line… I imagine it being said in the classic very-calm-yet-extremely-intimidating-because-of-that tone… *shudders*… that's putting it lightly Mith… oh no… not the hair… she's done it now! *cue Yang entering the frame* of course they would be afraid of her XD dun dun duuuuuun… and of course your chapter wouldn't be complete without a cliffy. Hahaha, that omake though XD well, a great chapter like always you two!
8/28/2016 c26 26BlueCelebi
*gasp* She cut Mith's hair!
Mithril: *angry sob* It took me forever to grow it out!
Silver: It's just hair, good grief...
Mithril: *shleem* What was that?! *tackle*

-We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please hold.-

Yay, this chapter was SO good! :D I really loved it! Welcome back, Copper.
8/28/2016 c26 6DeathDealer Inc
Hey, welcome back. Now I just need to remember what the plot is...okay, remembered it now. Onward to the review.

Cons (sounds better than 'bad parts', doesn't it?)
1) Having convenient magical artifacts that do what the heroes can't is kind of cheating
2) People never get tired when fighting. This is really just a pet peve of mine, but I always hate in action things where people can just fight and fight and fight without tiring out. I just want someone to go "okay, time out! I need to catch my breath! Fighting people is EXHAUSTING!"

Pros
1) Liked the brief analyzation of character motives
2) I forgot how much Mythril cheered me up with her raw positive energy
3) I like Genehfi's style. So few people actually consider poison in their battles, despite it being really effective. Especially if it's designed to travel through the bloodstream, since the heat of combat will make a person's heart pump faster and thus make the poison travel through more quickly, doing more damage. The more you know!
4) Fight scene was well done. Really felt the intensity.
5) 7000 words is a pretty good accomplishment

And now we can continue this dark and grisly tale. Immediately after hearing the request, the sniper took a grenade off his belt and tossed it into the foxhole of his ally. A few seconds passed without an explosion, and he began to wonder if the pin had gotten stuck. Just as he was about to ask, it exploded right in the foxhole next to him. Now, you don't hear an explosion when it goes off right next to you, the force hits your eardrums before the sound can, so the sniper was left disoriented on the ground, face full of mud and bleeding all over. That was the state his allies found him in when the call to retreat was called and he was forced to run all the way back to base...
1) Why does everything seem to revolve around Mt. Chimney?
2) How did Mithril heal from a full-body cast so quickly?
3) Why exactly did they have to worry about the bombs? Couldn't they have just left the area before they detonated?
4) Why didn't they kill Genehfi?
5) Did Silver just completely forget about his deal with Dr. Poke?
8/4/2016 c25 59Falneou17
Ah, finally! FINALLY I can read this chapter! Oh boy… as if a glare from Porcupine Hair isn't bad enough, Ginger Emo has to join in the fun… oh boy… whenever I read or hear "food fight" these days, I always recall the RWBY food fight XD awesome! Yeah… I can see Yellow worrying… on the other hand, Red's got a point… those guys did stuff at an incredibly young age… aw, Yellow giving her straw hat is cute in itself, but Akai is adorable! Don't forget "adorable", Kaz! Hm… controlling life energy with willpower alone… I feel like I heard that one a few times before… either way, I'm glad that Porcupine Hair gets a decent role. Wow… I guess it should have been obvious that more mons could do what Darkrai could, but it was a really nice passage; both in terms of what happened and how you guys described it. Should've seen that Smack Down coming XD wow… and a very nice way to end the chapter… I must say that I'm enjoying this story immensely, and am glad to see how you're all improving in the process.
7/23/2016 c24 Falneou17
That, or a queen, a scientist, a ninja and an assistant in the same room… for once, I actually have to disagree with Silver; if the world ended and we knew it, it would be best, at least in my opinion, to do what it is you want to do with the people you want to do it. Aw, that means they won't be coming back, huh? At least until this war is over… nice pep talk Red! Figures he would be able to cheer his own son right back up… aw, at least we got another person to help brighten up the room, huh Yellow and Akai? Ohohoho, the classic "the one who seems most peaceful is the most threatening person in the room" scenario, huh XD? "Infinity" energy, huh? Interesting… alright, that little history lesson as a whole was rather interesting, I'll say that much. I was honestly expecting both Orange's reaction AND the chant that followed XD though I was also expecting a few added supporters XD aw, I forgot that Lapis was still stuck there… a very nice chapter! Oh, and congratulations on getting over a hundred reviews!
7/19/2016 c25 6DeathDealer Inc
The parts that were bamboo reeds under my fingernails
1) Lyra, you shouldn't insult the staff. They're just doing their jobs and trying to get through the work week without gouging their eyes out (this negative was a joke)
2) It still feels weird for Kaz to display any form of positive and healthy human emotions

The parts that were cheesecake on my birthday
1) Orange is really starting to come into his own; I was actually reminded that he was a main character when he started out
2) I liked Eleanor and Nicholas banding together to do something nice for their abusive boss. I always felt like they made a good pair

Suddenly, through the dreary night, bullets rang out. Each man hugged the ground for dear life, hiding in the foxholes dug by countless squads before them, mud and rain flying into their face, as they raised their own weapons to return fire. The sniper did the same, in the far back of the scouting party and separate from the group, falling into the nearest foxhole and began returning fire. Then, in a hole to his write, he heard a shout 'Hand me a grenade!'
1) I forget, where did Lapis come from?
2) Will we hear more from Bob the Cameraman?
3) Orange is 17? ...Really? That's...a lot older than I thought he was
4) How did Mith step on Lyra's foot if she's in a body cast?
5) Since you mentioned we're entering a new arc, does that mean you'll accept new characters?
7/11/2016 c24 DeathDealer Inc
Mandatory negative portion of review
1) I feel like Lapis and Grisseo could have actually died when they turned to stone, and they would be contributing more to the story as corpses than they are right now.
2) Cooldown periods are usually good times for interaction between characters to build relationships between them and to help develop them as characters, so that the audience is invested in whether or not they'll make it when the action hits. But it didn't seem like they interacted any more than the usual banter and kicking; while these characters have been together for a long time, it doesn't really seem like they're all that close to each other. They don't act like people who have fought a demon together, their chemistry just seems kind of token.

Mandatory positive portion of review
1) The interaction between Orange and his family is completely exempt from the above criticism. It was a great way to introduce them (assuming they weren't before and I didn't just miss them), and watching Orange interact with them made his character a lot more understandable, while also fleshing out the family as well.
2) Orange having to sacrifice something he cares about for the greater good? Oh, all this heartbreak just tickles the little garrote wires I have instead of heartstrings

Rain poured down on the recon team hard as they made their way through the pitch black jungle, slowly crawling each step of the way, keeping a sharp eye out for any enemies in the trees. The sniper stayed in the back of the team, separate from the group where he could do the most damage from afar. Isolated from his team, the sniper waded through mud and rain, struggling to keep his head above water. Suddenly, shots rang out from the bushes...
1) What have Grisseo and Lapis been doing all this time?
2) What happened to the mermaid invasion?
3) Does being in a full-body cast mean Mith won't be able to participate anymore?
4) If Orange got his banjo from his sister, where did he get the magic sword of the ancients?
7/4/2016 c23 26BlueCelebi
Aw...poor Leon...his dream sequence is now far sadder...

Oh no, The Boss got the...the...the things!

It's too bad that Copper isn't helping out anymore, but I know that you'll be able to pull it off. You've been doing a great job with this. If you ever need any help, just let me know!
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