8/5/2016 c1 7My God Can Beat Up Your God
Hmm, I'm kind of confused about the concept here. If I'm understanding this correctly, you're trying to write an AU where most of canon was actually a genjutsu, and Sasuke wakes up at age eight, after Itachi had attacked him? And then it jumps forward several "years" to when he's 12?

I feel like it'd be helpful, especially for the first chapter, if more information about the setting was given. It seems unclear to me where and how the genjutsu and reality diverge, especially with the whole "Naruto in ANBU" thing. For example, in canon, nothing really significant changed in Naruto's life from age 8 to 12 that we know of. His living situation, his competency level at the academy, his relationships with Sasuke, Hinata, Iruka, The Third, etc. all already had their roots, etc. His path is already set, and unless there is some major AU interference during that timeframe, I'm not sure why he'd end up with a substantially different skillset and personality. If Danzo or ANBU or anyone else were going to be interested in training Naruto, they would have done so before he was eight years old, and I don't think anyone would look at canon eight year old Naruto and go, "This guy is doing so well in school and is such a great ninja, we better recruit him stat!"

BUT THEN. The Kyuubi attack happened 9 years ago? That threw me off. It also said that Sasuke had been "out for a few years" and woke up at age 8, I guess implying that in this reality, the Kyuubi attack happened when he was 3... So maybe this is supposed to be a fullblown AU, not just a "the canon story diverges from when Sasuke is 8." ..which implies that... Itachi's genjutsu included a regular 5 years of life for Sasuke, and then simulated the same attack when he was 8 years old instead of 3 for some reason? I don't understand why he would do that, but in that case the introduction is confusing, because I was expecting something else based on the summary and how the story began. Additionally, I'd expect Sasuke to feel a lot more off-kilter and confused by the changes than he is: he seems to be taking it all in stride and not nearly as confused as I would be, so I couldn't figure out which one it was meant to be based on the context. I like the concept but it seems like there are too many changes/AU butterflies introduced that aren't related to each other for me to follow; confusion interferes with my ability to get engrossed in the story.

So yeah! I think the idea is really interesting, but that it'd really benefit from being more fully fleshed out. Sorry for the long critique - happy writing!

6/16/2016 c3 5Samnamikaze23
I read the three chapters and there are a lot of things that you could improve upon to capture the readers.
Before anything, i love the premise. It's interesting, it's fresh and it's exactly a good idea to start writing your fiction.

A thing you need to know is that this story of yours has some very powerful themes. I dont know if you have seen it or not but it's there.

I feel like for this story, 3k words per chapter is too small for it.

The characters could be expanded upon and their progression gien a more enlarged detail so we follow the character from the beginning to the end.
Simply, you are moving faster than your shadow with the quick progression of this fic.

I feel many things could have been touched upon at the first chapter which would prepare the readers to the dark world you are going to explore.
All in all i love the idea but the storyline is lacking in many areas.

Any help in a rewrite i will grant if you need it and at the end, you would see the response to a much revamped first chapter.
Good luck...

6/5/2016 c3 1Reain
Sorry it took so long. Also, I'm not being rude. I'm trying to give some (hopefully) good advice.

I remember you said you were most likely abandoning this, which if you still want to/did it's cool, but don't toss the ideas out. Like you yourself said you've got some pretty interesting ideas and this shows it, but you're lacking in the full-execution. The premise was good, it caught my attention. What you should do now is put some more meat in your scenes, and set the proper tone. Don't reveal everything from the start either. Sakura doesn't need to know Naruto is ANBU, they're all supposed to be a secret I think. Neither does Sasuke, instead make him suspect a few things. He knows a lot more now, and has seen where his actions would lead, so it would make sense for him to want to change things but also make him question the illusions he saw and draw distinctions from 'it' and your 'current' world.

Also, I feel as if Kakashi wouldn't have opened up as easily, he can also serve as the perfect mediator between Sasuke and Naruto, and help draw Sakura into their close-knit group. And Naruto while cold and downright cruel no doubt, he didn't really strike me as a 'spy' per say. He made it very obvious what his intent was. Another way to approach it would by the Sai alternative. Introduce a friendly, smiling Naruto, and have Sasuke draw a parallel between root Naruto and 'that' Naruto from the illusion and figure out that something is up.

I hope some of this made sense lol

1/19/2016 c1 5EndoplasmicPanda
Great start, dude! I'm very interested to see where this is going to go in the future. It was fun being your beta - I don't get to do that enough. So I appreciate the opportunity to help. :D

(And you picked out a sweet image - I wholeheartedly approve. *thumbs up*)

1/18/2016 c1 12Aster's Descendants
This looks promising. I have to wonder what got screwed up to make Naruto a part of the ANBU (or possibly ROOT) in this timeline.