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for A Hunter out of Place

3/5/2017 c2 23Jedi Alex Colbent
What IS it with people not adding a damn "a" in the word "yeah?"
12/20/2016 c5 Mycroft Macarthur
i just finished reading all seven chapters of this piece in one go and in truth i thus far find it a tad underwhelming, though i like the concept as a whole and feel you have thus far made a good attempt it just doesn't excite me as i had initially hoped, i want to offer constructive criticism if i am able, explaining what i felt could have been improved in the hopes you could learn from it and improve your work.

when i read a fanfic one of the first things i look for is the authors own take on the characters and settings, in this case i would be looking for the little things which make your version of shepard, garrus, tali, wrex or jango for example, stand out in comparison to their canon counterparts and by and large there is very little on offer here, the vast majority of the content in the fic feels copy pasted right from the game with all too little variation, jango didn't have enough time to build up a rep so he isn't really known in the criminal underworld and saren would be given little reason to think of jango as any more then a mild curiousity, i feel as if jango behaves more like boba did in the original expanded universe and i feel some of his behavior is inconsistent with the canon which, did harm my immersion, for example in chapter five he tries to capture a random small fry (ethan jeong) in the middle of an ongoing job when in the canon jango and boba would never have jeopardized an ongoing job to make what would be (for them) abit of chump change unless they were absolutely desperate for the cash, he keeps saying the word "shit" when there is a decent abundance of star wars and mandalorian slang words he could have used (also prompting some character development when the other characters ask what he means and he could elaborate) and then he goes and chooses to save kaidan in the latest chapter...why exactly? when he could have gone after saren? (his actual main job so to speak) he has no reason to view shepard or her crew as an ally since they aren't mandalorians, betrayed him over his equipment and routinely try to oppose his own efforts, he may not be swearing a blood oath of vengeance to take shepard out but they're far from being besties.

on that note the fact that jango is making a point of keeping his technology to himself is kind of strange for me, it makes sense in other fanfics, in warhammer 40k crossovers for example members of the imperium would want to keep their energy weapons to themselves or in human hands only, i could imagine a character like skywalker or vader wanting to restrict the technology due to the large impact it would have on their society or plans but jango would have no real reason to care beyond the fact that they're HIS blasters, he would care less if they got hold of any ordinary gun but bounty hunters in star wars had a tendency to be attached to their gear (a trait we saw in ME as well such as zaeed going on about that old gun of his), ironically beskargam (mandalorian iron) would not be as well suited to impacts from solid projectile weapons as they are fighting blasters so if the technology spread around he would be even SAFER since his armor is uniquely well suited to defend against it, honestly the fact he doesn't mix his gear up in the face of new mass effect based tech is a missed opportunity i feel, the fact that he occaisionally gets shot could be easily attended by adding a cheap kinetic barrier to his armor and if nothing else he would need to replace his consumables like his flamer fuel and rockets by either crafting more from local materials or buying local stock.

beyond that i feel you have a tendency to avoid explaining things, at the end of chapter 5 we see jango seemingly about to torture jeong (why?) and then at the start of chapter 6 he's immediately surrounded by the normandy crew and getting jumped, how did he even GET to the mass effect galaxy? one second he's being knocked unconscious by a thermal detonator after botching what should have been a simple job and the next he AND his ship are somehow in the mass effect universe just because? it might have worked better if he had been chasing this guy through a weapons lab and the whole thing exploded somehow causing a rift of some kind but even such a basic explanation is missing here.

i really want to like the work but i dont really understand where you are going with this, there is very little character development of any kind to be had and since most of the stuff relating to shepard is copy pasted it makes me want to just skip over it, the fic description asks if he can get home but at no point in the story has he displayed an interest in getting home at all (nevermind an actual attempt to track down a clue or lead as to how that would be possible), i also tend to find fight scenes to be the weakest elements of most fics and the ones here weren't anything special anyways, im trying not to be harsh but you need to give us a reason to grow attached to your characters and plot, one thing you could have considered doing was have jango show up much earlier in mass effects history so we might see him as a more famous bounty hunter with a past in setting that is considered to be mysterious and unknown, i could see him teaming up with figures like wrex, zaeed or thane and sharing stories, adding alot of depth and intrigue, dont be afraid to deviate from the canon and make up all new threats for him to face off against as people react to his fighting style and try to take him down, his jetpack for example gives him unprecedented mobility in comparison to the rest of the mass effect cast but does come with its own weaknesses (if its damaged in midair he will fall to the ground, he has no cover in the sky and its easy to lead your shots and hit him, the fuel which the jetpack uses could easily rupture and explode or even just run out, etc) and that is but a single example, the fact he regularly fights solo is a weakness in itself since he has no one to watch his back or help him if he is in trouble, i would just enjoy seeing some real challenges for him as opposed to seeing him just keep curbstomping or outwitting people because if the characters have no challenges or obstacles to overcome, they cannot grow or develop, as he is so far we could replace him with any clone from the clone wars and the story would be unchanged (shit, even rex and fives in the clone wars cartoon actually had a great deal of depth and personality to them even in spite of the fact that they were clones), give him new jobs to deal with, something NEW!

those are just my two cents on the matter, its up to you whether my words have any meaning to you or not.
12/16/2016 c2 Guest
No your right they are faster by that speed and the weapons are more deadly to however the personal shields are greater in mass effect but the shield generators are better then them but there only for larger targets so yes personal shields are better in mass effect than star wars
12/15/2016 c7 OSR fanatic
Great Story! :) Update Soon! :)

Why do I think an Armada of Republic ships are going to show up sooner rather then later?
12/13/2016 c7 1Indecisive Bob
Nice chapter. I like how Jango is coming to trust Tali and how his conscious seems to be returning the longer he stays near her. His saving of Kaiden is pretty interesting, especially since Shepard and co. seem to believe that Kaiden is dead. Also, its interesting how Jango's presence has indirectly caused Shepard to dislike the Council even more than before since she's been ordered to bring him in when she didn't want to, which has done nothing but cause trouble for her and complicate her mission. Keep up the good work!
12/13/2016 c6 Indecisive Bob
Nice chapter. But why doesn't Jango have a stun setting on his blasters? I honestly have no clue if he does or not in canon, but I'd think that a bounty hunter would want an efficient stun system if he knows he might get more credits for live targets.
12/12/2016 c5 Indecisive Bob
Nice chapter. Why hasn't Jango gotten a kinetic barrier for himself yet? For that matter, why hasn't he adopted any of the local tech at all? His weapons, armor, and ship may be far superior, but the advantages of kinetic barriers, omnitools and tech attacks, and medigel simply can't be ignored, especially now that Jango has a limited supply of Star Wars goodies.
12/12/2016 c4 Indecisive Bob
Nice chapter. Jango going out on his own makes sense, but in a bit frustrated that he basically went about the Therum mission the same way as you do in the game, just solo and with more explosions. Surely a legendary bounty hunter such as Jango Fett has a better way of getting through an impassible energy barrier than using a mining machine that he didn't even know how quickly it would work? Maybe he did, maybe he didn't, but it's a bit dry and disappointing for Jango to basically be a glorified Shepard on Therum.
12/12/2016 c3 Indecisive Bob
Nice story so far. I wouldn't include so much of Shepard's PoV though. If you did it infrequently and only to give her perspective of things, it would be fine. But as it is, you're basically copying in the game's dialogue word-for-word. This is a story that is supposedly centered around Jango, so it would be more interesting to read if the majority of the story was centered around Jango instead of Shepard.

Another thing is that you need to make new paragraphs for every time a different person talks. If you keep everyone's talking in the same paragraph, it gets a bit hard to follow and frustrating to read.
12/11/2016 c7 Semi-neutral Nixon
Don't know if you realise this or not but Mass Effect weapons shoot sand grain sized bullets cut off of an internal metal block and accelerated to extremely high speeds that then flatten upon impact doing hella damage too flesh, so there wouldn't really be ANYTHING for Tali to dig out. Unless you're going for something different or I'm mistaken of course.
12/11/2016 c7 Spartan-A312
12/11/2016 c7 LordSalt
I'm glad this story isn't dead keep up the good work!
12/11/2016 c7 4josephguy217
Awesome chapter keep it up
11/4/2016 c6 Valtiel
I find your lack of updates disturbing...

Hope everything is ok, I really like the story, not much with Jango in a cross over.
10/30/2016 c6 3Rac95
I can only repeat the praise of the former reviewer, both bounty hunters were damn good characters, personally amongst my favorites. Right now he fits in this world, sometimes they just need a professional and he wasn't the blueprint for an army for nothing. I hope to be able to read more of your story soon
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