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for Lightsaber: The Star Wars VII Novel

6/28/2019 c3 1Kam I Am
Having jumped straight from chapter 2 - 3 I immediately see the mirroring you did of the first line in both - clever stuff.

To start, the way you did the opening crawl was great and I LOVE the first chapter. Your writing there flowed exceptionally and had me sucked in, I love the twist you've put on Ben.

After the opening line here things got off to a comparatively more bumpy start. I appreciate Rey's background as a mechanic and the initial glimpse into that lifestyle was great, but the actual race itself wasn't the most compelling aspect of this chapter and I found my attention waning.

Mention of the Vish'nu gods gave me pause as well. Initially I thought the reference is that this was a Rey from Earth that somehow got transported to the SW galaxy, but that doesn't seem to be the case. It's obviously not in canon/EU material so it did give me a pause. It just felt like a weird parallel to be making.

As soon as we got to Rey's meeting with BB I was back in it, I quite enjoy your dialogue. Good work on things overall, had fun reading over it :).
6/28/2019 c2 31Dragon'sSocks
Wow.. this chapter so light-hearted. I haven't expected this end. Great job!
7/15/2016 c10 4thr4
This is a pretty cool fic. I love the way you write the characters dialogue, I could picture them saying these words, you nailed the characters for the situation you put them in. Thanks for this.
7/7/2016 c2 1Ambroisie-Seduisante
Really strong introduction and use of imagery. Your words allow me to easily visualize the scene while not being so blatant; aka, I can create the seven in my mind without being explicitly told exactly how everything looks. I formed a strong image in my mind of the protagonist sitting upon the rock, with the droid near him, surrounded by a crowd of curious onlookers. Great job.

When your characters are speaking, I think it would be great for you to add more description to each quote, rather than just a string of dialogue. You could add descriptions about their tone of voice, or what facial expression they are making, or what they are doing with their hands. This is a nice way to add depth to your characters.

Slight typo - “deep veldt of interstellar void.” I think you meant to type “velvet.”

I like how you use lots of technological and futuristic terms throughout your writing. I think it helps put the reader into the mine set of the Star Wars universe. That being said, be careful to avoid phrases that are modern to our world but probably wouldn’t be known in the Star Wars universe (for example, you said he “went to town with his saber” which stood out to me as an unusual phrase for this particular universe.)

I love the way you write your action scenes. In fact I would like to see more action from you - more description. You have a tendency to use very elaborate phrases and obscure terms where I think some simpler terminology could serve well. Maybe stretch out your action scenes and focus on bringing them to life through your simple but visualize words rather than using flowery words.

You have a great way of making the reader identify with your protagonist and even like him to some extent, while still recognizing that he’s well, a selfish jerk!

I like the manner in which you describe the “evil” man in the black coat that shows up. You show his malice very well by the way in which he thoughtlessly kills the young woman. I would be interested to see more of the protagonist reacted to that happening. It’s kinda his fault after all. And he didn’t really know her very well and obviously didn’t care about her. But is he indifferent to her murder or does he feel guilt or remorse? How does her murder, at his hands, affect the character’s future motivations?

Also I’m not one to typically nit-pick word count, and I do 100% think it differs from writer to writer. I myself don’t write very long chapters. But you’re averaging about 1500 words/chapter which is a bit on the low side. I would suggest either stretching out your scenes (like I said, you have a knack for descriptive language so I definitely think this could work for you!) or including more scenes in each chapter.

You have been very dedicated to your writing, I see you have updated frequently and pretty consistently. That’s no small feat… :)

Keep working on your writing. Overall message is to focus on your innate talent for descriptive passages without relying on flowery words. Use actions, not adjectives, to describe your characters and the scenes.
6/24/2016 c2 2figbassist75
Interesting start in that it draws me in instantly. I want to know more about who this young man is that is delivering the sermon. His words speak to the reader as if they are in the young man's congregation. It adds mysticism along with a bit of a reminder of the canon of Star Wars we all know. I also saw a glimpse of teachings of Master Yoda in these opening lines.

A bit of SPAG: The story mentions the Millennium Falcon making the Kessel run less than twelve parsepts. The actual word here should be parsecs. It's not all that distracting but it is an error that might throw some readers off some.

And then we have the action with Ben and the First Order. Fast paced, and very brutal. Most of the brutality was with the First Order forces as well it should be. They are the villains after all. Very good read that I will have to look into again in the future. Keep up the good work!
6/2/2016 c10 58UnknownUnseenUnheard
Rey is Revan? That's... Random.
Will the Exile show up too?
Ah. So Starkiller is not Luke. Well. How sad. Although, Darth Starkiller going on about Vader's murder reminds me of Mara Jade going on about Luke and Vader executing Palpatine. Which begs to question, who is the man behind the man.
Good chapter
4/22/2016 c5 Guest
1. Catchiness (scale 1-10) - 1. You're describing people sitting in a room. How...original.
2. Word Length (") - 4. 5k words for an opening chapter? The cap most people can read in one sitting is around 2k. You're going to need to write a gripping shorter prologue to offset the high word count, or else no one will touch it. And it looks like not a lot of people have.
3. Issues that stick out - Dense sentences, especially since you're writing in the third-person present-tense. That is a dangerous writing style, one that is so easy to screw up. The Hunger Games pulled it off because the sentences were ridiculously short, religiously minimalistic, and got to the point asap. Describing a "mahogany" table isn't necessary in this case because you're focusing on the sense of immediacy over content. Honestly, switch back to past tense, stick with what is tried and true. You're also taking way too long to describe little things like getting up, moving around, sitting down. This is called "scripting" and it interferes with the narrative. Get to the action and keep it short. The brain can only process so much info.
4. Grammar/Punctuation - Semicolon use is the only thing I'll point out. They really shouldn't be used in fiction. They're for psychology papers. You also misused it, as everywhere you stuck a semicolon is a full other proper sentence in and of itself. Just use a period.
5. First-Sentence Test ("I'll bet he did" "I'll bet it was") - Fail. (many published novels fail). The last thing I care about when I decide whether or not a story is going to be exciting enough to read is the time.
6. Cringe Factor (")- 7. The heck am I reading? Who cares about these minor supporting characters? And why are we talking about building a building? This is like listening to a meeting in the engineering department of some random construction company.
7. Suggestions - Cut all the introspective narration about his "feelings" in between dialogue. You've got huge blocks of text in between when they're speaking that honestly no one cares about. Just write about them talking, axe dialogue tags, and it will flow faster.
8. Dialogue 1- The dialogue is a tad campy though, you want to avoid the cringe factor as much as possible. Try reading your dialogue out loud, if it seems awkward then you'll know what to work on.
9. Overall Grade - E-
4/21/2016 c9 UnknownUnseenUnheard
Holy shit. Luke? Darth Starkiller is LUKE? They're fucked. I thought it was Galen Marek gone off the deep end.

Ben Jacen Solo? You are awesome. Although the Junior bit through me for a couple of seconds. That means there's a senior. So... Theory; this is actually Ben Skywalker, he was adopted by Han and Leia after Luke went batshit crazy, and Jacen Solo most likely died, thus they named the baby Ben Jacen

Im guessing mommy is dead?

Great chapter!
4/4/2016 c8 UnknownUnseenUnheard
Huh. It started out amusing but it got serious fast. What exactly happened to Ben? Hm.

Great chapter!
3/30/2016 c7 UnknownUnseenUnheard
... That was fast. I thought it would take Ben and Chewie longer to find the Falcon.
And poor Poe, who is now, apparently, dead.
Ben is hitting on Rey... Oh god. Then, they'll learn they're related and Rey will claim to have 'always known" but play a long anyways.
Good chapter! :)
3/28/2016 c6 UnknownUnseenUnheard
Findmyifalcon? Lmao
3/28/2016 c5 UnknownUnseenUnheard
So. I just have to ask as I've just realized this.

Where'd Poe go?

Good chapter!
3/13/2016 c4 UnknownUnseenUnheard
So, your character is like Connor Kent. To quote Lois Lane from Smallville;
"The genetic love hold of Clark Kent and Alex Luthor."
Of course, in this case, you've merged Ben Solo and Jacen Solo. Or Jacen and Ben Skywaller. Hard to tell.
Either way, great chapter!
3/11/2016 c3 UnknownUnseenUnh
KOTOR is a badass game. Totally awesome. Have the first one on my phone :)

The whole Rey scene was a little random. Just saying. Interesting though.

Great story so far! :D
3/11/2016 c2 UnknownUnseenUnheard
Wow. Are you sure you've got the right rating? Cause that was bloody.

Ren has become Starkiller. Thus, no Ren.
Ben Skywalker? He pretended to be Solo there which had my eye twitching for a second since that's Ren'a real name.
Anyways, good chapter! :)
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