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for Pokemon XYZ: Despair Unbound

5/1/2016 c5 15Flyg0n
Nice chapter! I like how Connor thought ahead and strategized for his battle.
Thoughts on Simone-she's no good. I don't trust her. I found Viola very interesting, and Monty added a bit of amusement too.
Also I bet Delana found A Riolu. Overall, good chapter,
5/1/2016 c5 9Talarc
I was looking forward to the Santalune gym battle and I wasn't disappointed. I thought your use of Celeste's Trace ability was particularly good, as was Chihiro's tactic to counter Powder, though I did check and apparently Powder isn't affected by Magic Coat because it doesn't inflict a status condition - I'll let it slide though since it was an otherwise excellent counter strategy! :P I found it interesting that Connor knows the Kalos Queen, though it would have been nice if you'd gone more into how they knew each other. Maybe you're saving that for a later chapter...

So, I'll mention again that you're misplacing punctuation at the end of your dialogue in places and will continue mentioning it until I read a chapter that has none of said errors present. Aside from that, the only real problems I spotted this chapter were a couple of mixed up names (Simone instead of Sally at the beginning, and Cameron instead of Connor further on).

Overall though, this was a good chapter. Now that Connor's won his first gym badge, it looks like the focus is shifting onto Delana next time. Out of interest, are you having contests replace the 'performances' in the anime?
5/1/2016 c5 3James 'Bucky' Buchanon Barnes
Cliffhanger?! You're an evil man J...
4/30/2016 c4 FuckUsckNiggaDick
Okay, the first thing I got to say about this is that I really admire your writing style. I like how detailed it is and the length of each paragraph. Another thing that I like is the pacing. I don't if I missed it or overlooked it, but what does his do? Aside from that, I really enjoyed this and am waiting for the next chapter.
4/28/2016 c4 9Talarc
So we didn't get the gym battle this chapter, but it was worth it for the development we got instead. Makoto is an interesting addition to the team, even if the motive behind the capture was glaringly obvious. I thought your descriptions of Santalune City and Santalune Forest were pretty good. I enjoyed the overall plot of this chapter - the way Powder was used was good, and the fact that it tied in with the mysterious villain at the end has left me speculating about what will happen next.

Since I may have been unclear in my last review: all punctuation for dialogue needs to be within the quotation marks. No exceptions. Aside from that, you occasionally don't start a new line when another person starts speaking, though you're good at starting a new line for their dialogue. For instance, close to the beginning of the chapter: '"U-um, yes ma'am". Delana smiled as she chuckled a little.' Just reading that line, you'd assume that Delana is the one speaking, when in fact it's Connor. You should have started a new line after Connor's dialogue was finished. My only other issue is that you forgot to insert a horizontal line between Connor catching Makoto and the final scene with the new villain.

On the whole, the story is still going strong. I'm looking forward to seeing what you have in store for the villain from the end of this chapter and how Connor will do when he eventually reaches the Santalune gym.
4/25/2016 c4 5Golden-Black Dragon
So, Connor gets some more members of his team? Pichu is definitely a good addition, although, will it be evolving sooner as opposed to later?

Actually, I quite like the idea of Pokémon poachers. Seeing as there are plenty of trainers who are after rare Pokémon, it'd make sense. Plus, Cypher was a thing, and what they did was basically poaching.

Geez... That's one reason why I genuinely don't like Gorebyss.
4/25/2016 c4 3James 'Bucky' Buchanon Barnes
I like the use of the Pokédex, it makes it easier for people like myself who are less familiar with Pokémon able to enjoy the series. It also adds a lot of comic relief in darker moments which can be hard to spring back from. I like Mina's usage, and I like the ending. 10/10 -IGN
4/24/2016 c1 That 4th Gen guy
Great first Chapter. Unexpected turn when Connor didn't pick Froakie. You'd of thought that'd be his first choice, after his dad had a Greninja
4/20/2016 c3 James 'Bucky' Buchanon Barnes
Chapter 3 had a fantastic feeling to it, scary and fast moving, or happy and slower paced! Good job James!
4/20/2016 c2 James 'Bucky' Buchanon Barnes
Can't wait for the next Chapter, good job James!
4/20/2016 c3 9Talarc
Eloise seems like an interesting character. Hopefully we’ll see her again at some point further down the line. In the meantime, we learned a little more about Delana and her story, as well as being reminded once again that Sally is a terrifying person! And great work with the horizontal lines by the way – it makes the chapter much neater!

One thing that I noticed in all three chapters so far but haven’t mentioned yet, is that you occasionally misplace your punctuation after dialogue. For example: ‘"Those two really helped us back there." (correct) Delana smiled as she picked up her Petilil, "as did you, Isolde. Well done"! (incorrect)’. I’d recommend proof reading to make sure that all your punctuation is in the right place. There was also a particular line which I felt could use some improvement. ‘Chihiro’s fur took the familiar golden sheen from yesterday as the bolt bounced off of it and hit the foe, causing Mainframe to slow down and Eloise’s eyes to widen and for Delana to clap from the sidelines.’ The way ‘…and hit the foe, causing Mainframe to slow down…’ is phrased makes it sound as though ‘Mainframe’ and ‘the foe’ are two separate entities. ‘…and hit Mainframe, causing it to slow down…’ would have worked better. I also think that you made that particular sentence a little too long. Rather than having Eloise and Delana’s reactions in the same sentence, you could have started a new sentence: ‘Chihiro’s fur took the familiar golden sheen from yesterday as the bolt bounced off of it and hit Mainframe, causing it to slow down. Eloise’s eyes widened and Delana clapped from the sidelines.’

Anyway, other than that the chapter was pretty good, and I was glad to see Connor and Delana each catch a new pokémon. Looks like the Santalune gym battle will be next chapter, so I’ll be looking forward to seeing how Connor does!
4/17/2016 c3 15Flyg0n
I am enjoying so far! I'm certain that the flowers are involved somehow even slightly. Delana's pokemon seem to have names based on Arthurian legends I think? I know Percival and Tristan are, and maybe isolde. As for Connor, I'm not sure yet. I know Chihiro is from the movie Spirited away. Eloise seems interesting, and I feel like she will turn up again throughout the story.
4/16/2016 c2 9Talarc
Ah, so the mystery pokémon was Petilil? Looks like my second guess would have been wrong as well...

Anyway, this was a pretty good chapter overall. The battle with Petilil went well - I was wondering what you were going to do with Magician since it struck me as quite a limited ability in the games. I guess that's the benefit to writing fanfiction - abilities can become more versatile! It should be interesting seeing how the relationship between Connor and his new travelling companion develops next chapter.

So, I'm going to repeat my suggestion from my previous review: separate out your sections by inserting horizontal lines using the Doc Manager. There were a couple of times this chapter where you indicated that time had passed ( 'Half an hour later' and 'Twenty minutes later'), but didn't separate the new section from the previous one. Aside from that, there were a couple of blocks of text which were a little on the large side. The one full of dialogue from Delana in particular could have been broken up into smaller pieces to make it easier to read.

Overall though, it seems as though you've gotten off to a good start. I'm looking forward to the next chapter! :)
4/15/2016 c2 ItsCitrus
I love the story so far! I really love how you have put lots of emphasis on the fact that Froakie is the favorite. It gives Conner and Chihiro a stronger bond because the Fennekin was the least likely option! I can't wait for more chapters!
4/15/2016 c2 15Flyg0n
Very interesting so far! The nerd in me felt compelled to check on the magician and Magic Coat thing, and indeed Fennekin can inherit that move. Fascinating! Im definitely curious to see where this will go, and I feel like perhaps there may be something more to all the injured pokemon at the Pokemon center. Perhaps something to do with Team Despair?
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