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for Kantai Collection: New Friends, New World

6/9/2016 c7 7Twei
Ehhh, not a huge fan of this section. It feels... too informal given its technical nature among other things?
6/9/2016 c6 Twei
I'm a bit short on time, but for right now: Your emotional stuff does not feel all that emotional. Sorry.
6/8/2016 c5 Twei
Description of the color scheme this is good. Need more.

6/8/2016 c4 Twei
Is Dennis an OC or someone from the Destroyermen novels? Oh wait, nevermind, answered later. It's been a while since I've read what I've read.

Okay the beginning goes way too fast here, IMO. We go from not-hunting to shooting things dead in like three lines it is awful!

Also Yuudachi has no right to be scared of a giant lizard, she's seen plenty of huge monsters with mouths filled with teeth! Like all the time! With naval artillery at that!

Mitsuki and Dennis should NOT be talking about Kitsuragi's death that casually like holy BLEEP how about no. And that is a TERRIBLE line to blush to.

68 knots is ridiculous, even Fantasque only manages 45. Nonetheless, Destroyer Hime is legit.
6/8/2016 c3 Twei
Wow I keep reviewing before I'm done with the chapter I should really stop that.

More writing critique, Chapter 1 edition:

Show, don't tell! You didn't describe the Naga picking up the shipgirls at all, or how the Japanese girls react to the strange people on deck or ANYTHING. SO MUCH MISSED POTENTIAL. SO MUCH. ;~~~~~~~~~~~~~;

Also Jaaret seems to accept the shipgirl thing WAY too easily. I'm okay with how he handles Mahan and Walker's identity (I'd disbelive it too), but are people really that superstitious in future Destroyermanverse or what?

Also, more description of things that I haven't read through! This is why I wanted the fic to start at the beginning instead of after the end, darn it! (also if Mahan and Walker went through all that did they not tell anyone or at least enough to get a few rumors going?)

The Yuudachi thing came a bit out of nowhere, but once you explained it, and once I UNDERSTOOD the explanation (SHOW DON'T TELL), I actually kinda liked it.

Generally, we still see a bit too much technical description instead of proper sense-description, but it's not that bad at the end there.


Now, technical documents are allowed and even encouraged to have technical description. Proper writing varies dramatically depending on what you're writing, after all. For example, if you're writing epic fantasy (Gilgamesh, etc), it's okay to not describe things that are basically indescribable. We don't need to hear the details of how the goddess picks up the world in her hands, probably. Not that it's important to you, I'm just trying to show (and not tell!) how rules have exceptions and your rules will different depending on what you're writing.
6/8/2016 c2 Twei
Okay time for a proper review.

First, some comments on the prologue's writing: Your actually moment-to-moment writing, IMO, isn't that great. There's a lot of unnecessary repetition. Use more pronouns, call things by different names. Show, don't tell. I don't know what an XF-88 Voodoo looks like, I don't know what an H-44 looks like. Yes, I can google it, but that slows things down, doesn't lend itself well to immersion. Your descriptions could be more visceral, more descriptive. If you want a good idea of both what to do and what NOT to do, look at Ambience: A Fleet Symphony. All its other... 'issues' aside, just read the first few paragraphs of chapter one. See that detailed description you could paint a picture to? That's good. See where a few paragraphs later he goes into gun porn, using loads of names for things without any description whatsoever? That's bad. Just listing measurements and 'dry' descriptions can be pretty bad too: we need to know how things FEEL more than how they ARE.

I'm not sure I like Mahan and Walker having gone through their roles in the books, but that might be because I never read more than a few of them. Even so: if they DID know what was going on, you'd think Walker would have remembered what the Squall was about BEFORE plunging into it.

It feels like it might work better, at least for me, as having them go into the Squall blind and at the beginning of the series. You can PM me relevant plot details if you want, but I really do feel like taken the Destroyermen series as something that already happened seems questionable especially given it's not something your audience is going to know that well. And I'm someone who at least started reading it! Don't get me wrong, it sounds like the future of the Destroyermen universe is an interesting place, and I can see why you would want to write in it, but I'm more than a little lost D:

I do like your characters so far. Better than Ambience. :V
6/8/2016 c1 Twei
Updating like a pro, I see.
Fact: This series is neat and I approve of the concepts so far as of Chapter 1.

Also it's spelled prologue not prolouge. :v
6/6/2016 c27 Cmdr. Jonathan Miller
I wonder what the reactions of the New British Empire troops stationed in New Scapa Flow will be when they learn that ship girls exists, and that one of the Royal Marines is a ship girl, namely Achilles a.k.a 'Matilda Carr'. It sure as hell will be hillarious. Looking forward to the next chapter.
6/6/2016 c27 15Corporal Tommy
Great chapter, can't wait for more
6/2/2016 c5 Akritedes
Y'all done fucked up. The conditions for the Dominion to achieve this kind of total strategic surprise don't exist, and the idea that the New British fleet didn't see them coming well before they entered gun range is ludicrous.

Further, you seem to be ignoring the possibility of radio warnings from the surviving British ships, which would put the entire New British Empire on high alert and prevent the tactical surprise of the aerial raids from catching them completely off-guard.
6/1/2016 c25 Cmdr. Jonathan Miller
Well, I guess there are things which should be resolved first before being able for them to fight as a team.
5/27/2016 c1 21still-guns
I'm not even half way into this chapter, and you've already used the same analogy to describe the Abyssals three times! Like this and that had a baby, like that one and this one had a baby, THREE TIMES!
5/24/2016 c23 Cmdr. Jonathan Miller
Nice chapter. Still waiting for Amagi and the convoy she was escorting to be teleported to the other world and what their reactions will be, especially Amagi.
5/22/2016 c22 Cmdr. Jonathan Miller
It'll be interesting if the whole convoy Amagi is in will be teleported to the other world, but this time, Amagi will fight with the Lemurians. That, and I want to see the reactions of Walker, Mahan, and the Lemurians if that scenario happens.
5/16/2016 c20 Cmdr. Jonathan Miller
What if Amagi (the ship girl) was teleported unexpectedly to the world where Walker and the others are, and possibly fight against the Holy Dominion and its allies?
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