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for The Split Family

9/9/2016 c1 11Alexeij
This is interesting and quite well thought out, especially having the LW 'leading' the Minutemen and the Synth! Nora and Nate, but I cannot help but finding a few issues that might have been overlooked. Don't take them as critiques, rather as suggestions to make things look more whole and realistic.
- The Commonwealth Navy and after it the Minutemen Defense Barges would be extremely vulnerable to King Mirelurks and Mirelurks in general. Also, they really use a truckload of resources, which undermines the whole 'survival' aspect that's intrinsic of Fallout. But then again, this Commonwealth is more prosperous than canon, so it's not really and issue.
- With the disbandment of the Minutemen and the formation of the Militias, the Commonwealth has lost one of its gluing factors: the Minutemen managed to keep the Commonwealth banded together because they were an above-the-parties force. These Militias might have been born with the best of intentions, but underneath the different names the situation could easily turn into another Quincy - different faction guarding their own interests rather than common safety when push comes to shove.
- I don't remember the year of the Broken Mask incident, but I'm quite sure it's a bit before Shaun takes the reins. Even with the Institute opening up to the surface and helping out, some mistrust should linger.

The only thing in this I can't really get behind right now is the Railroad - Rust Devils' alliance. The Railroad's conflict is all about the sentience of 3rd Gen Synths: that's their focus, not all Robots. However, I believe there's something you're not saying. One good explanation could be that Desdemona didn't end up in charge, but rather Glory did: she's the true radical for Robot freedom in the Railroad. Her being in charge however would have stiffened the Rust Devils opposition at first, unless she just omitted to mention she's indeed a Synth.

It seems to me then that the 'conflict' to carry foward the story at first will be the Railroad-RustDevils vs the Institute, with Nate and Nora in the middle of it. It'd actually be interesting if the Railroad managed to liberate one of the two while the other remained with the Institute: conflict abound and a good opportunity to explore both factions from within, from an insider's POV, as well as from outside. And of course, the BoS and the LW might just be thrown into the mix, right? :D

I think you could have left out the single outposts every faction claimed and had the characters discuss it in dialogue in the next few chapters, just to flesh out the factions a little more. I've also noticed that you use a lot of capital letters where they aren't required: if you want to stress a word, try writing it in italics instead. Also, visually the chapter might benefit form shorter paragraphs, less heavy on the eye: I know of readers who give up on the story when they see the dreadful 'text wall'.

Anyway, these are my two pennies. See ya!
5/9/2016 c1 3Brandon858
Awesome backstory! I'm interested to find out what happens next.

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