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for Age of Pieces: Tomb of the Season King

9/23/2016 c2 7Blue-Spikes
Both chapters had problems with tenses. There were some other technical issues such as commas instead of periods. A proofread by yourself or a beta/editor ought to fix them.

As far as the story, the premise is okay but the writing did not draw me in. I think some more detail would help with that. In the first chapter the dialogue seemed stiff, but passable given the business setting. However, there were instances of actions from one character described in the same section as another's speech, which was confusing.

Your story is short, so if you are interested (and planning to continue the story, I cannot see dates right now) send me a PM and I can offer suggestions for technical, writing, or both.
5/21/2016 c1 3Bushtuckapenguin
Hey mate, colour me intrigued! I love the idea and plot, which is what attracted me in the first place. You're a clever writer with good imagery and vocabulary. If I was to suggest anything, it would be against stock. You'll get dull, stock Gary Stu (I guarantee you three wolf faunus and many black trench coats and mysteriously powerful semblances) and you'll find it difficult to squeeze them in while maintaining pace and filling a balanced ensemble cast... At least for now until you've properly fleshed out your mains. Cheers!
5/19/2016 c1 3Matt Cyr
Seems intriguing. I'm confused though. The summary implies this is a SYOC story, but the content does not. Which am I misreading?

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