for Raven Queen Gone Forever After1/6/2019 c1 
96She6Devil6
Oh my god.
Have you ever even HEARD of quotation marks?
“You know,” I said. “These little things right here that indicate someone’s speech.”
Not to mention your grammar, spelling and OTHER punctuation.
96She6Devil6Oh my god.
Have you ever even HEARD of quotation marks?
“You know,” I said. “These little things right here that indicate someone’s speech.”
Not to mention your grammar, spelling and OTHER punctuation.
11/27/2018 c11 Guest
Okay. So, here goes nothing. You need to sign up for Grammarly. It helps with grammar and word choice, and the free version is pretty nice. Noredink will also help teach you grammar and sentence structure and its completely free I believe. This is a good idea, but the plot and dialogue and romance just feels forced. There's absolutely no depth to the characters, no descriptions going on at all, and the whole thing looks like a movie script with cheesy lines that don't fit well together and bad acting. If you want more people to enjoy your stories, I suggest you take my advice. Give depth to the characters, describe the scenes, describe what they're doing, their thoughts and feeling, their actions. Think about when you're reading a book. Picture what the author does. How they set up dialogue, the descriptions of characters, background stories and little details dropped in here and there. Your story seems rushed, like you didn't care at all about it. If you wanted to write a scene, you would do it like this: "It was a beautiful sunny day at Ever After High," said the Narrator. "The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and Raven Queen was waking up to get ready for the day, whereas her roommate, Apple White, was still soundly asleep. "Ummm, Narrarator!?", Madeline batter called aloud. "Can we skip to the more exciting part? No one wants to hear this!" "Alright, alright," the Narrarator replied, sighing. "Legacy Day. The day where all students had pledged to follow the destiny of their ancestors before them. But that changed the moment Raven Queen, daughter of the Evil Queen, decided that she wanted to write her own destiny. The backlash from this decision is huge! The Royals and Rebels are divided, and haven't seem to come to terms with the fact that some people don't want to follow their destinies. Let's check in on Raven and see how she's doing."
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
It was lunchtime in the Castleteria, and Raven was looking for a place to sit. Scanning her surroundings, she glanced at the first table in front of her, which held Apple, Darling, Daring, Ashlynn, and Briar. 'Nope,' she thought to herself. 'Definitely not sitting there.' Finally, she spotted an empty table. The black and purple haired girl started walking over there, but before she made it even 3 steps, one of the Royals stuck out their foot and tripped her! Splat! Raven fell onto the ground, covered in her food. Holding back tears, blinking as she's trying not to cry, she holds her head up high, and proudly marches out of the Castleteria.
And that, is how you write a scene. Look, I get that you have ideas, and you have potential. But you need to learn more about the writing world, more about how to set up a story, and how to make your sentences flow.
Okay. So, here goes nothing. You need to sign up for Grammarly. It helps with grammar and word choice, and the free version is pretty nice. Noredink will also help teach you grammar and sentence structure and its completely free I believe. This is a good idea, but the plot and dialogue and romance just feels forced. There's absolutely no depth to the characters, no descriptions going on at all, and the whole thing looks like a movie script with cheesy lines that don't fit well together and bad acting. If you want more people to enjoy your stories, I suggest you take my advice. Give depth to the characters, describe the scenes, describe what they're doing, their thoughts and feeling, their actions. Think about when you're reading a book. Picture what the author does. How they set up dialogue, the descriptions of characters, background stories and little details dropped in here and there. Your story seems rushed, like you didn't care at all about it. If you wanted to write a scene, you would do it like this: "It was a beautiful sunny day at Ever After High," said the Narrator. "The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and Raven Queen was waking up to get ready for the day, whereas her roommate, Apple White, was still soundly asleep. "Ummm, Narrarator!?", Madeline batter called aloud. "Can we skip to the more exciting part? No one wants to hear this!" "Alright, alright," the Narrarator replied, sighing. "Legacy Day. The day where all students had pledged to follow the destiny of their ancestors before them. But that changed the moment Raven Queen, daughter of the Evil Queen, decided that she wanted to write her own destiny. The backlash from this decision is huge! The Royals and Rebels are divided, and haven't seem to come to terms with the fact that some people don't want to follow their destinies. Let's check in on Raven and see how she's doing."
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
It was lunchtime in the Castleteria, and Raven was looking for a place to sit. Scanning her surroundings, she glanced at the first table in front of her, which held Apple, Darling, Daring, Ashlynn, and Briar. 'Nope,' she thought to herself. 'Definitely not sitting there.' Finally, she spotted an empty table. The black and purple haired girl started walking over there, but before she made it even 3 steps, one of the Royals stuck out their foot and tripped her! Splat! Raven fell onto the ground, covered in her food. Holding back tears, blinking as she's trying not to cry, she holds her head up high, and proudly marches out of the Castleteria.
And that, is how you write a scene. Look, I get that you have ideas, and you have potential. But you need to learn more about the writing world, more about how to set up a story, and how to make your sentences flow.
9/16/2018 c6 EpicReader2700
It's ok. But first of all the romance feels a bit forced. The title iludues to Raven becoming evil so I would start dropping hints of her becoming evil. But it's ok
It's ok. But first of all the romance feels a bit forced. The title iludues to Raven becoming evil so I would start dropping hints of her becoming evil. But it's ok
1/7/2018 c6 Guest Again
So remember how I was talking about your story nicely though it was horrible? So, the thing is, everyone knows out of the three, Raven actually only hates Faybelle. - Wannabe
Also, let's face it, your plot sucks.
Good day! :)
So remember how I was talking about your story nicely though it was horrible? So, the thing is, everyone knows out of the three, Raven actually only hates Faybelle. - Wannabe
Also, let's face it, your plot sucks.
Good day! :)
1/7/2018 c5 Guest
I was too lazy to log in as myself, but anyway, good story, but you kind of got a few things wrong, it was still awesome. The plot was terrible, but it was still a good story. Your story lacked structure, but keep in mind, I said good story. No it wasn't, I'm pointing out how horrible the story was nicely. :)
I was too lazy to log in as myself, but anyway, good story, but you kind of got a few things wrong, it was still awesome. The plot was terrible, but it was still a good story. Your story lacked structure, but keep in mind, I said good story. No it wasn't, I'm pointing out how horrible the story was nicely. :)
7/21/2017 c4 Guest
The plots good but the dialogs are kinda bad but its okay keep up the goodwork
The plots good but the dialogs are kinda bad but its okay keep up the goodwork
12/23/2016 c11 78katmar1994
I just realized that I really don't like Apple because of how much of a brat she is.
78katmar1994I just realized that I really don't like Apple because of how much of a brat she is.
7/29/2016 c11 Guest
Not trying to be rude or anything but would'nt people be a bit more distraught and sad if they discovered someone's dead body?
And I noticed that you basically copied some ideas from RushingAutumnLeaves' fan fiction story called "Forever After" when it came to writing some of Raven's diary entries.
Not trying to be rude or anything but would'nt people be a bit more distraught and sad if they discovered someone's dead body?
And I noticed that you basically copied some ideas from RushingAutumnLeaves' fan fiction story called "Forever After" when it came to writing some of Raven's diary entries.
7/18/2016 c11 PRINCESS MH
THIS IS SOO SEAD
THIS IS SOO SEAD
7/18/2016 c8 corne coetzee
Hi I just want to tell you something about poison.I drank poison a few times in my life wile I was in simmilar situation's as raven is in this chapter but it does not always work.I drank dosages of poison that where tripple the lethal amount for a adult and I now I am 17 and still alive.I am reciving therapy for me being suiasidel.I am a teen boy living in south treat us like outsiders just because we don't follow the rule's but we are following the rule to be true to our selfs first.
Hi I just want to tell you something about poison.I drank poison a few times in my life wile I was in simmilar situation's as raven is in this chapter but it does not always work.I drank dosages of poison that where tripple the lethal amount for a adult and I now I am 17 and still alive.I am reciving therapy for me being suiasidel.I am a teen boy living in south treat us like outsiders just because we don't follow the rule's but we are following the rule to be true to our selfs first.
7/18/2016 c11 Jerry Unipeg
Great chapter, I am still crying.
As to reincarnation, Ranma 1/2 as Ranma
One of the witches in Srike Witches
As Mai Hime of My Hime.
As a Herald from Valdemar books
A witch in one of Advanced Dungeons & Dragon worlds.
Great chapter, I am still crying.
As to reincarnation, Ranma 1/2 as Ranma
One of the witches in Srike Witches
As Mai Hime of My Hime.
As a Herald from Valdemar books
A witch in one of Advanced Dungeons & Dragon worlds.
7/18/2016 c11 HunterHero416
Oh no... :-(
I can't believe it... I cried a little bit because Raven didn't back from the dead! :'(
PS: I can't wait for new crossover fanfic!
Oh no... :-(
I can't believe it... I cried a little bit because Raven didn't back from the dead! :'(
PS: I can't wait for new crossover fanfic!