for Harry Potter and the Power of the Gamer6/4/2016 c1 Yami-Guy
Shite you have a ten year old reading "A Song of Ice and Fire" aka Game of Thrones! Gosh he must be mature, not to mention well learned...what with all the death, large amounts of inventive cursing, frequent sex scenes with participants of questionable age, and many drug references.
Shite you have a ten year old reading "A Song of Ice and Fire" aka Game of Thrones! Gosh he must be mature, not to mention well learned...what with all the death, large amounts of inventive cursing, frequent sex scenes with participants of questionable age, and many drug references.
6/4/2016 c1 
1ABeaupain
A good foundation! Though I found Dumbledore's exposition on why Harry lives with Dursleys (and to a greater extent the state of American magical society) a bit forced. Since this is taking place 6-8 months before Harry's letter arrives (Christmas-time), the scene may flow better as a conversation between Minerva and Albus. e.g. "Oh Albus, I always worry about Harry this time of year." "I do too Minerva. He's as safe as he can be with his muggle family. Certainly safer than if the ministry placed him in a 'proper' home." etc etc.
Oh, and good Jurassic Park reference. :)
1ABeaupainA good foundation! Though I found Dumbledore's exposition on why Harry lives with Dursleys (and to a greater extent the state of American magical society) a bit forced. Since this is taking place 6-8 months before Harry's letter arrives (Christmas-time), the scene may flow better as a conversation between Minerva and Albus. e.g. "Oh Albus, I always worry about Harry this time of year." "I do too Minerva. He's as safe as he can be with his muggle family. Certainly safer than if the ministry placed him in a 'proper' home." etc etc.
Oh, and good Jurassic Park reference. :)
6/4/2016 c1 highfist
Great start! Please hold off on Harry telling people about his gamer ability! Knowledge is power and life is unpredictable! Harry could easily lie about what he can do or tell a partial truth like "gee, herminone i don't know why that monster dropped money and stuff these things just seems to happen around me" having that ability is a secret best kept very close to the chest and if you really want him to tell his "friends" about make them swear magical oaths that way he can cover his bases
Great start! Please hold off on Harry telling people about his gamer ability! Knowledge is power and life is unpredictable! Harry could easily lie about what he can do or tell a partial truth like "gee, herminone i don't know why that monster dropped money and stuff these things just seems to happen around me" having that ability is a secret best kept very close to the chest and if you really want him to tell his "friends" about make them swear magical oaths that way he can cover his bases
6/4/2016 c1 Ranger Zareth
When Harry gets to Hogwarts since I don't know if you are going to keep it as Harry being in Gryffindor(depending on how you do the pre-Hogwarts chapters you might end up with a Harry that wouldn't be in Gryffindor), you could have Harry "pick" which house he is in due to his gamer abilities blocking the hat, or have the hat find out about his powers. Another thing I think would be cool to see is if the house he gets in comes with a Title for example Ravenclaw student could give a 10% additional EXP to classes in Hogwarts and 1 Wis and Int per level, or something else of that sort. Besides the above tips or requests or whatever you want to call them the first chapter was great and I can't wait for more in the future.
When Harry gets to Hogwarts since I don't know if you are going to keep it as Harry being in Gryffindor(depending on how you do the pre-Hogwarts chapters you might end up with a Harry that wouldn't be in Gryffindor), you could have Harry "pick" which house he is in due to his gamer abilities blocking the hat, or have the hat find out about his powers. Another thing I think would be cool to see is if the house he gets in comes with a Title for example Ravenclaw student could give a 10% additional EXP to classes in Hogwarts and 1 Wis and Int per level, or something else of that sort. Besides the above tips or requests or whatever you want to call them the first chapter was great and I can't wait for more in the future.
6/4/2016 c1 1Twisted Pxl
I liked this crossover, but there were a few things that I saw that needed fixing. There were some places that had words missing, one such instance is the 'All-Bone' Perk of the Ordinary Skeleton. Here is what it says:
30% increased damage from hand to hand combat and blunt objects, Immune to 30% increase to movement speed in and out of combat, 30% increase towards Evasion and Dodging Skill.
What is it immune to? It just seems odd that this took place.
This is only real big thing I saw (or at least I can remember). Most other things are either grammatical errors or just accidentally missing a word.
1Twisted PxlI liked this crossover, but there were a few things that I saw that needed fixing. There were some places that had words missing, one such instance is the 'All-Bone' Perk of the Ordinary Skeleton. Here is what it says:
30% increased damage from hand to hand combat and blunt objects, Immune to 30% increase to movement speed in and out of combat, 30% increase towards Evasion and Dodging Skill.
What is it immune to? It just seems odd that this took place.
This is only real big thing I saw (or at least I can remember). Most other things are either grammatical errors or just accidentally missing a word.
6/4/2016 c1 4An Errant Bookwyrm
I have to say that this is a pretty awesome start. I've been reading you're other fix Daw of the Gamer for a bit as well and I think the systems you've worked out really fit! I also like the flair you add in the enemy descriptions. Looking forward to more of this!
4An Errant BookwyrmI have to say that this is a pretty awesome start. I've been reading you're other fix Daw of the Gamer for a bit as well and I think the systems you've worked out really fit! I also like the flair you add in the enemy descriptions. Looking forward to more of this!
6/4/2016 c1 coffeesabregirl1492
Love it so far I love your naruto dawn of the gamer keep up the good work
Love it so far I love your naruto dawn of the gamer keep up the good work
6/4/2016 c1 Im Not Itachi
I like the idea and I'm happy you're making a Harry Potter/Gamer story, but there are a few issues.
Does Harry know his given name is Hadrian? If not, I find it strange he didn't react to it in any discernible fashion.
For the Undead Magical description it says he is immune to psychological damage, but this is clearly false seeing how he was enraged when Harry pointed out his less than impressive title.
Levels Required to Enter: 3-5 in the first dungeon he found, but he couldn't enter even though he was level 4. You may want to make your level requirements more clear, because as of now it seems he needs to be anywhere between levels 3 and 5 to enter the dungeon.
He seems to have learned multiple skills "Off-screen." The skills I have noted him learning without us there to witness them are as follows: Power Strike, Power Throw, and Dual Wielding. You may want to go back and edit in the situations with him learning those moves.
You also may want to edit in something explaining the levels in various skills he gained throughout the dungeon. Something as simple as an overview saying "As he fought his way through the veritable army of skeletons, Harry gained ? Dex, ? Str and ? Vit. Something like that would make it much easier for readers to keep track of how and where he is gaining attribute and skill levels, along with helping you stay honest with his leveling.
There are quite a few grammar and spelling errors throughout the chapter, though they seem to increase near the end. Try not to use present and past tense wording in the same sentence. If you have a beta-reader, you need to give them a talking to. If you don't have a beta-reader, you might want to get one. If there are too many small errors it really breaks immersion for people reading your story.
Thanks again for writing this. Though I had a lot to say about what I see as flaws in the story, I have enjoyed reading it.
I like the idea and I'm happy you're making a Harry Potter/Gamer story, but there are a few issues.
Does Harry know his given name is Hadrian? If not, I find it strange he didn't react to it in any discernible fashion.
For the Undead Magical description it says he is immune to psychological damage, but this is clearly false seeing how he was enraged when Harry pointed out his less than impressive title.
Levels Required to Enter: 3-5 in the first dungeon he found, but he couldn't enter even though he was level 4. You may want to make your level requirements more clear, because as of now it seems he needs to be anywhere between levels 3 and 5 to enter the dungeon.
He seems to have learned multiple skills "Off-screen." The skills I have noted him learning without us there to witness them are as follows: Power Strike, Power Throw, and Dual Wielding. You may want to go back and edit in the situations with him learning those moves.
You also may want to edit in something explaining the levels in various skills he gained throughout the dungeon. Something as simple as an overview saying "As he fought his way through the veritable army of skeletons, Harry gained ? Dex, ? Str and ? Vit. Something like that would make it much easier for readers to keep track of how and where he is gaining attribute and skill levels, along with helping you stay honest with his leveling.
There are quite a few grammar and spelling errors throughout the chapter, though they seem to increase near the end. Try not to use present and past tense wording in the same sentence. If you have a beta-reader, you need to give them a talking to. If you don't have a beta-reader, you might want to get one. If there are too many small errors it really breaks immersion for people reading your story.
Thanks again for writing this. Though I had a lot to say about what I see as flaws in the story, I have enjoyed reading it.
6/4/2016 c1 AnAddictedReader
Just curious, if Harry now has the Gamer ability and thus, a way to make money, why would he bother staying with his relatives? I mean, I can see him staying there for a few years since he now could start fixing his debuffs but after he receives his Hogwarts letter? No way since there are so many places he could stay at once he's aware of his wizard status. Hopefully you won't just stash Harry away during summer at Privet Drive and have him explore England or wherver.
Just curious, if Harry now has the Gamer ability and thus, a way to make money, why would he bother staying with his relatives? I mean, I can see him staying there for a few years since he now could start fixing his debuffs but after he receives his Hogwarts letter? No way since there are so many places he could stay at once he's aware of his wizard status. Hopefully you won't just stash Harry away during summer at Privet Drive and have him explore England or wherver.
6/4/2016 c1 ImmortalSouls
The start is awesome and I am gonna enjoy the fic definitely but I hope that Harry doesn't tell anyone about his gamer abilities like ever, I mean in all of Gamer stories the protagonist tells about his or her abilities to other people, I want to see a fiction where the protagonist doesn't tell anyone about their special ability. Anyways that's something I wanted to see, feel free to ignore it and best of luck with the story.
The start is awesome and I am gonna enjoy the fic definitely but I hope that Harry doesn't tell anyone about his gamer abilities like ever, I mean in all of Gamer stories the protagonist tells about his or her abilities to other people, I want to see a fiction where the protagonist doesn't tell anyone about their special ability. Anyways that's something I wanted to see, feel free to ignore it and best of luck with the story.
6/4/2016 c1 1OoOXylionOoO
I think that can count as a good first chapter :D
I like it. Keep up the great work.
1OoOXylionOoOI think that can count as a good first chapter :D
I like it. Keep up the great work.