
7/11/2016 c1
84Chronic Guardian
Hey, Tash! Way to rock the Alternate. I put off this review for long enough, time to make sure you're properly acknowledged.
Hmm... I very much like everything that's going on between the lines. You pull off that rare "there's so much more going on here that I'm not telling you about" without slipping into the realm of being either too vague or too explicit. Nicely done.
"There is a doorbell"
Yeah, Josh, just because you /can/ teleport doesn't mean you /should/. There's a lot of potential awkwardness that could happen if you're not careful.
So I gather that Eri's hosting someone (or something) else in her mind. You do a good job of playing around the details and never quite saying if this is schizophrenia or possession, but the effect is spooky all the same. Psychologically disturbing enough to warrant that T rating, I'll give you that.
All that said, I get that you're trying to be mysterious with the "other Eri"s identity (or maybe that just refering to her as, well, /her/ is the agreed method of address), but having Josh and Eri play the pronoun game back and forth comes across a little stilted after a while. Not sure what you can use as a substitute, but if nothing else it makes me excited for Cat's Cradle so we can finally get a name on this thing.
"So what's the matter?" ... "Why? You don't care."
Although there is text between this back and forth, they also somehow ended up in the same paragraph. To indicate the change in speaker, a break is required.
I like how you subtly narrow down what's going on through the conversation. The other Eri isn't a dead Shiki or anything of the sort, but there's a possibility she's an unstable soul like Sanctuary Josh. Two halves of the same person in one body, right? Hmm...
"What best friend hurts theirs intentionally?"
You are so smoothly protected on the dialogue that I'll just say this: grammatically this could be better articulated, but because these characters are talking how real people talk, I don't care. Nice job pushing the envelope!
"She's changing me, I can feel it. I'm no longer myself."
Nice job getting out there and articulating the conflict! Again, this is more hype on the fire of the Cat's Cradle hype-train.
"You mean a bunch of stupid idiots that get everyone killed."
Ah contraire, my dear Eri, Romeo and Juliet actually save a bunch of lives by ending the feud between their families.
...But yes, there definitely was some collateral damage along the way. Not that I personally mind the loss of Mercutio, but... yeah. At least it wasn't like Hamlet, right?
Also, Josh's use of the line here... well placed but not the brightest on Josh's part. He's trying to assure her that she's still the same, but it comes across a little superficial. Better luck next time, bud...
Ah, well, it works well enough for Eri. Good job semi-resolving the conflict by the end without promising anything too big, by the way. I feel that the dramatic tension is very carefully built here to allow a degree of satisfaction while still making the reader hungry for whatever comes next. Well played, Tash, well played.
Nice work on your first shot of summer! Whatever comes next, we'll be looking forward to it.
Regards,
-CG

Hey, Tash! Way to rock the Alternate. I put off this review for long enough, time to make sure you're properly acknowledged.
Hmm... I very much like everything that's going on between the lines. You pull off that rare "there's so much more going on here that I'm not telling you about" without slipping into the realm of being either too vague or too explicit. Nicely done.
"There is a doorbell"
Yeah, Josh, just because you /can/ teleport doesn't mean you /should/. There's a lot of potential awkwardness that could happen if you're not careful.
So I gather that Eri's hosting someone (or something) else in her mind. You do a good job of playing around the details and never quite saying if this is schizophrenia or possession, but the effect is spooky all the same. Psychologically disturbing enough to warrant that T rating, I'll give you that.
All that said, I get that you're trying to be mysterious with the "other Eri"s identity (or maybe that just refering to her as, well, /her/ is the agreed method of address), but having Josh and Eri play the pronoun game back and forth comes across a little stilted after a while. Not sure what you can use as a substitute, but if nothing else it makes me excited for Cat's Cradle so we can finally get a name on this thing.
"So what's the matter?" ... "Why? You don't care."
Although there is text between this back and forth, they also somehow ended up in the same paragraph. To indicate the change in speaker, a break is required.
I like how you subtly narrow down what's going on through the conversation. The other Eri isn't a dead Shiki or anything of the sort, but there's a possibility she's an unstable soul like Sanctuary Josh. Two halves of the same person in one body, right? Hmm...
"What best friend hurts theirs intentionally?"
You are so smoothly protected on the dialogue that I'll just say this: grammatically this could be better articulated, but because these characters are talking how real people talk, I don't care. Nice job pushing the envelope!
"She's changing me, I can feel it. I'm no longer myself."
Nice job getting out there and articulating the conflict! Again, this is more hype on the fire of the Cat's Cradle hype-train.
"You mean a bunch of stupid idiots that get everyone killed."
Ah contraire, my dear Eri, Romeo and Juliet actually save a bunch of lives by ending the feud between their families.
...But yes, there definitely was some collateral damage along the way. Not that I personally mind the loss of Mercutio, but... yeah. At least it wasn't like Hamlet, right?
Also, Josh's use of the line here... well placed but not the brightest on Josh's part. He's trying to assure her that she's still the same, but it comes across a little superficial. Better luck next time, bud...
Ah, well, it works well enough for Eri. Good job semi-resolving the conflict by the end without promising anything too big, by the way. I feel that the dramatic tension is very carefully built here to allow a degree of satisfaction while still making the reader hungry for whatever comes next. Well played, Tash, well played.
Nice work on your first shot of summer! Whatever comes next, we'll be looking forward to it.
Regards,
-CG
6/26/2016 c1
120Aviantei
A wild Tash has arrived. Perfect timing for a review, I'd say! Let's get started.
May I say that this is an interesting combination of characters you have here? Certainly not ones I would expect, but that just makes the dynamic you show throughout even more intriguing, especially because this is really just a teaser. Color me intrigued.
One thing I notice is that you have a lot of cool descriptors and sentences, but there tend to be run ons here and there. Adding in different punctuation, including conjunctions, and maybe breaking up some of these into multiple smaller sentences could help you control the flow and pace for the reader.
First paragraph uses "she," while the second paragraph starts with "they" and switches to "she." If this is intentional, it has some interesting connotations, but if not, it's a bit confusing. Still, I'm seriously interested in what all sort of universe building you got on here. Multiple personalities, eh? Part of me wants to guess that Shiki and Eri are now sharing a body, but I may be wrong, especially since she's mentioned separately a bit later down...
Hm, there's so much context to pick at here! If not Shiki, who's Eri's spooky new second personality? Is it someone we know? Someone new? Why are Yoshiya and Sanae involved, and how much is this connected to the UG? You have definitely made a tantalizing teaser, Tash, I'll give you that! It seems like it's time for everyone to work on their TWEWY fics...
Well, I certainly look forward to seeing Cat's Cradle when it releases, and whatever other T-Sauce goodness you come up with. There is still time to catch up if you so choose, but it's also acceptable to keep moving forward. The choice, dear Tash, is up to you.
Hope to see you again soon!
-Avi

A wild Tash has arrived. Perfect timing for a review, I'd say! Let's get started.
May I say that this is an interesting combination of characters you have here? Certainly not ones I would expect, but that just makes the dynamic you show throughout even more intriguing, especially because this is really just a teaser. Color me intrigued.
One thing I notice is that you have a lot of cool descriptors and sentences, but there tend to be run ons here and there. Adding in different punctuation, including conjunctions, and maybe breaking up some of these into multiple smaller sentences could help you control the flow and pace for the reader.
First paragraph uses "she," while the second paragraph starts with "they" and switches to "she." If this is intentional, it has some interesting connotations, but if not, it's a bit confusing. Still, I'm seriously interested in what all sort of universe building you got on here. Multiple personalities, eh? Part of me wants to guess that Shiki and Eri are now sharing a body, but I may be wrong, especially since she's mentioned separately a bit later down...
Hm, there's so much context to pick at here! If not Shiki, who's Eri's spooky new second personality? Is it someone we know? Someone new? Why are Yoshiya and Sanae involved, and how much is this connected to the UG? You have definitely made a tantalizing teaser, Tash, I'll give you that! It seems like it's time for everyone to work on their TWEWY fics...
Well, I certainly look forward to seeing Cat's Cradle when it releases, and whatever other T-Sauce goodness you come up with. There is still time to catch up if you so choose, but it's also acceptable to keep moving forward. The choice, dear Tash, is up to you.
Hope to see you again soon!
-Avi