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for The Fifth Blight: The GraveWalker (REWRITE)

4/17/2018 c6 3vkg313
I'm going to be brutally honest and harsh. You won't like it, so I apologize in advance.

I don't see the point of making this into a crossover. There are no HP world wand magic or abilities being displayed. Even your Harry Potter character wasn't like the one in canon. You just took the overall story and changed it to how it would be in the Dragon Age world. Essentially, if you just changed the MC's name to something else, along with his parents names (and other random character names from the books), you wouldn't even be able to tell that it was a HP crossover. I feel that instead of making it into a crossover, it might work better as a straight up Dragon Age story, but that's just my opinion.

Luna just feels like you threw in another character from HP for the sake of it. You took away from a future romance that could have been included into the story. The thing that makes Dragon Age such a compelling story is that there is a huge amount of character development and growth. By already having the romance, you took away from that part of the story. You could have introduced her later and built upon that if you liked.

Speaking of character development, everyone appears to one dimensional so far. Harry is a revenge driven blood mage and templar hater. Luna wants a family. Morrigan pursues magic. Sten is pragmatic. Aedan is the leader. Etc. You need to have more dialogue, or events that show that everyone has more than one side to them. The conversations feel dark and gritty, but you have to have the lighthearted conversations as well. Everyone in the game was complex, which made it very interesting. I suggest watching Dragon Age on youtube or something. It might help.

Also, it feels like you glossed over an extremely interesting revenge story in the beginning. The MC's life story could have been a really good story on its own. Your flashbacks to the past are too "summarized". I think they would be a lot better if you expanded on them. I also found it weird that it seemed to be ridiculously easy for him to get rid of his phylactery and escape the circle with no pursuit of any kind. That doesn't seem right at all.

I don't know if the story gets better, but this is how I currently feel up to Chapter 6. I'm not writing this to put you down. I jut want to provide feedback because I feel like this can be a great story. I love dragon age and harry potter so I just you to do justice to both of them.
3/25/2018 c1 5exillion
... why does using a sword more useful than magic.
3/23/2018 c17 2ArthurShade
3/23/2018 c1 2Woke up to smell the ashes
Since you kindly asked for a reader to read your Fic I will.
3/23/2018 c17 Guest
Good chapter, looking forward to more.
3/16/2018 c16 david1292
loving it so far please please keep writing and loving the Lord of the ring references your sneaking in
2/18/2018 c16 16Ironshot
Great story so far. Keep up the good work.
2/3/2018 c7 LordPeverell
So Harry's Bloodline is cursed with good health? what? Why would you want to break a curse where you can only die from battle or old age instead of getting sick, having a deadly accident or some such. How is that even a curse?
1/14/2018 c16 2ArthurShade
1/6/2018 c1 mr guy
if you have to resort to begging on your summary maybe you should go away and rethink your life.
1/4/2018 c15 1TyberAurora
Your spelling mistakes are starting to grate on my nerves, I would offer myself as a beta if I even knew how to become one officially, as it seems you do in fact need one.
1/4/2018 c15 2ArthurShade
1/4/2018 c15 vmage2
This is a good chapter but it desperately needs to be checked over for spelling.
12/19/2017 c12 Raikaguken
i see what you did there with the spiders and just before.
12/18/2017 c12 vmage2
You have a serious live of the Silmarillion and it shows.
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