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for Haifuri: Gone Asiatic

5/5 c4 5Prometheus-23
Spanky McFarlane, Apes and Snipers, Walker and Mahan? I see I've finally run into another Destroyermen Fan!
10/8/2020 c14 Guest
Can we get a final tally on the losses
1/7/2018 c1 1Santiago Trujillo Tobon
So i am finally finish reading this story and i am satisfied whit it, nevertheless i have some recommendations to do.

First the good, nice job on the naval battles and how you generally manage the evolution of the campaing going from the surprice attack to the establishment of the resistence and finally the bitter end, i also liked the different perspective you offer though out all the story, it is really efective in complementing it by showing all the sides of the events even if the Tokoro wasn't there or was doing something else.
I also liked the reference to the destroyer men series, i am only in book two but every one you used in here (Matt, MacFarlane, Silva etc...) acted the way they should and i complemted you for that (also i am willing to bet 1 dollar that there were some nurses and an Australian biologist in the boat Walker piked up in chapter 13 ;) ) in any case was satisfied by how the story ended for them.
Also i liked how you went the bold way and actually sticked to how the west indies camping actually ended, bitter yes, but it gives the story something different in a meaningful way, so again congratulations for that.
And finally while i personally would not kill anyone so explicitly in a fanfic about this serie because of tone comfilc, you probably did it in the best way poasible, been direct whit it while not going full retard and killing one character per chapter because 'look how dark i am' so even if i am not fully onboart for ather reasons you did well here.

Now to the negative things , first, you introduced to many people at the beggining (the captains of the armored and protected cruisers plus the destroyer comanders) and trust my, when so many names are trown at you in such a short amount of time is hard to be intrested in them, plus most didn't do much except diying in battle, if you wanted to have akeno be friend some one in the asiatic fleet a better way to do it would have been to focus on one or two that actually talk or interact whit the protagonist while the rest are just mentioned. Despite this i have to recognise you actually improved as the story went on, the tactic of just puting the reader in the shoes of someone and starting from there was better so keep that in mind for the future.

Also how the girls on the Tokoro talked was a major problem to me, they sounded to American and their puddy mouths were out of plase considering most of them would probably only curse if you pay them to do so, in other words the HSF girls are not like the men of the Walker or Mahan, they most sound a little bit nicer if the idea is to be a legit fan fiction and not an original strory whit a tie in so to get people reading. From reading this i know you can do better whit just a little more work and attention you can represent the girls as well as if this was cannon so keep in mind for the next one.
And also just keep an eye for writting errors, not so much spelling (If there is a God he knows i am in no possition to be petty over that) but more on how a paragraph or phrase is structured, i noticed some errors there and would be a nicer read.

Finally a little more inside into the bad guys would have been apresiated, no one is specting a tesis about terrorims but at least give a reason as to why thay want to conquer so much territory, are they religious lunatics? Or they want to just loot all they can? in any case some motibation would have done alot to complement the plot. Also on this point how a terrorist organization had the ability to build such a naval force going without explanation is a problem, even ignoring how they get hundreds of thousands of tones of food, oil and steel you at least could tell from were they get the money to do so.

Finally some a minor note to finish here, the next time you are creating a fleet keep in mind that standar type battleships like Texas were almost ussels in a modern task force because of their low speed, so chanses are in the haifuri universe thay would be used more for general crew training and gun fire support missions while more quick ships are use for fleet manuvers, in other words for this story maevy a Lexinton class battlecruisers would have been best, just think about it, because carriers dont exist in this world they are not converted and is not wild to say that at least one could have been finished before the naval treaties took effect, not to mention they dont affect the narrative of the asiatic school been full of old ships because the ship still was a 1920's desing and to add on top of all it would have a better aset than the Texas in the naval battles.

I know that i have been going on about the problems whit this but if i didn't enjoy the this fanfic i would't have fionish it and if i was a troll whit no intention of helping then i would have speended less time writting this and more sending you insults in private masseging, so i hope you take something usefull from this and while a little late have a happy new year :)
12/16/2017 c2 UNSC-Saratoga
Since when is Guam a state? Are you European because I heard that they are toaught that the US has 52 states instead of the actual 50.
10/28/2017 c3 Santiago Trujillo Tobon
I am only in chapter 2 but this looks good if not greath. I will keep reading this for a while to see were it goes.
BTW:here i am like "okay Prince of Wales and Repulse all you have yo do is not die quikly like in real love. Can you do that?
5/28/2017 c5 3Pacer287
Alright, I'm done. I really tried to get at least half way through this story before quitting but this entire thing feels more like an exposition dump than a story. I commend you for your knowledge of naval vessels, equipment, tactics, terminology, etc. but for me the endless barrage of names and statistics makes the story bland and unenjoyable.
4/2/2017 c14 Field Marshall Skelton
Wonderfull ending to a great story, really got the blood pumping and the tears flowing at the deaths of rin and noma. Great job
4/1/2017 c14 72Pixel and Stephanie Forever
*reaches into desk drawer, pulls out miniature ship's bell and strikes 8 Bells*

A great chapter to end with, and I see some of what we talked about made it into the final chapter. Nice to see the interaction between Shiro-Chan and Mike-chan, although one thing confuses me - unless others died after being saved, only one person died on the Tokoro that was a member of the Ship's Company while she was in charge. The only thing I can think of is Shiro-Chan was counting those of the Jupiter.

I must admit to wondering, by the way, if Akeno remained "in the service" because I can't see why not due to the fact real navies have heard officers command ships (even to this day) with a limb missing or disabled.

Anyway, a great way to finish and I hope to see another story in this category again soon
4/1/2017 c14 15Corporal Tommy
Interesting.
3/31/2017 c13 72Pixel and Stephanie Forever
A great chapter indeed - although I get the feeling that Noma is not dead but somehow has been picked up by the Walker
3/25/2017 c12 Pixel and Stephanie Forever
Great chapter, but I'm actually in tears that Rin has died... Thats bloody well depressed me. I did assume she would be buried at sea with honours, but the decision to send her body away does confuse me.

Now, When Mike handed over command to Shiro, I presume that was more of a temporary command delegation as opposed to permanent command - anything else would have to come from Japan Naval Headquarters.

Lastly, when Kouko spins the wheel to see if the Helm responds, she goes "Helm answers my commands, captain" when the correct phraseology is "Ship answers to Helm"... Although Kouko is most likely not trained in the correct phrasing of orders in combat situations.

All in all, another great chapter and I look forward to seeing the next one
2/26/2017 c2 symion
So, wait. The US navy turned their best carriers in battleships?! That would be a sight to see, but I think they would still be better off as carriers. That's my opinion at least.
11/24/2016 c3 DragonicTexan36
lol nice little Independence Day reference when the Admiral is speaking to everyone in the Zeppelin Hanger
11/14/2016 c11 Field Marshall Skelton
Good to be back reading the story it's been a while since the last chapter and I was hoping it wasn't forgotten, the way you've built up the fic bit by bit is really astounding and inspiring I must say. I have a feeling that in the future there will be some deaths or serious injuries towards the crew members of the Tokoro but I'm sure many readers suspect as much. It surprises me that there is no independent outside company that might have raised sunken ships and refitted them as a project because a lot of people do it with tanks and afv's. I'm surprised that none of the bombs (I can't remember their exact name) from when the tirpitz was sunk where used as a lot of the smaller craft would be capsized by such a force but then again so would the allied ships. Have you ever heard of the I-400 because that could be an idea for the future though it would have to have had a few modifications... Oh and I forget to ask but the repulse ramming the other battleship did you get the idea from the start nazire raid?
10/12/2016 c9 Field Marshall Skelton
Out Fing Standing, Great,no wait...ABSOLUTELY AMAZING STORY! Sat down to read the 9th chapter today and had to put it down after the nightmare, It gave me a deep feeling of excitement, and the suspense is a major point that kept me coming back to this story, Can't wait for the next chapter, keep up the good work mate
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