for The Scot Mudblood: Years 1 & 28/3/2016 c1 
7RedDwardGimboid
Hi there, I'm a friend of SecretWish and she asked me to have a look at your work! Hope I can be of help etc :)
Well this is certainly an interesting start, I have to wonder what her role will be in everything. However I do have a few pointers for you. Take or leave whatever you want, but I would say overall you have a good grasp on what you want to do and a nice flow to your narrative.
-My first point, as a Scottish person, would be the repeated mither thing, reads very oddly to me, but I would wait and see if anyone else mentions it as it could just be a personal preference thing.
Secondly, and I am not as schooled on HP as I used to be, but most of what is filmed for HP etc is certainly in Scotland, so unless you're sure (and if you've done your research, please ignore this) I would double check whether or not it is in Scotland.
-When you have Melissa talk to the bird, you say "I'll have a response for this Dumbledore." but the letter is actually from McGonagall? So whilst Dumbledore is listed as the headteacher, the letter is from McGonagall so really she should say "I'll have a response for McGonagall."
-Also "If it is true... foolishness." I just wanted to highlight this because I don't think foolishness is the right word. It indicates it as Melissa's wrong doing that has caused this situation, foolishness being usually a connotative of someone having done something stupid themselves. Just a thought, but you might want to pick a different word.
-Otherwise its fine, the tone is consistent and the relationship between father and daughter is done well. You haven't gone over the top with the father thankfully, as is normally the case in these kinds of stories, but kudos for it anyway!
Hope I've been of some help and good luck with your story! Although I would reccomend not holding chapters to ransom with a certain number of views, or reviews, just set yourself a schedule. Be it an update every week, two weeks or even month, but stick to that instead of views. If you go by that then those that have already read, or even followed, are basically being punished for a lack of interest in your work. Not to mention more people might be brought in by a higher word count as you update more and more.
All the best, Fran.
7RedDwardGimboidHi there, I'm a friend of SecretWish and she asked me to have a look at your work! Hope I can be of help etc :)
Well this is certainly an interesting start, I have to wonder what her role will be in everything. However I do have a few pointers for you. Take or leave whatever you want, but I would say overall you have a good grasp on what you want to do and a nice flow to your narrative.
-My first point, as a Scottish person, would be the repeated mither thing, reads very oddly to me, but I would wait and see if anyone else mentions it as it could just be a personal preference thing.
Secondly, and I am not as schooled on HP as I used to be, but most of what is filmed for HP etc is certainly in Scotland, so unless you're sure (and if you've done your research, please ignore this) I would double check whether or not it is in Scotland.
-When you have Melissa talk to the bird, you say "I'll have a response for this Dumbledore." but the letter is actually from McGonagall? So whilst Dumbledore is listed as the headteacher, the letter is from McGonagall so really she should say "I'll have a response for McGonagall."
-Also "If it is true... foolishness." I just wanted to highlight this because I don't think foolishness is the right word. It indicates it as Melissa's wrong doing that has caused this situation, foolishness being usually a connotative of someone having done something stupid themselves. Just a thought, but you might want to pick a different word.
-Otherwise its fine, the tone is consistent and the relationship between father and daughter is done well. You haven't gone over the top with the father thankfully, as is normally the case in these kinds of stories, but kudos for it anyway!
Hope I've been of some help and good luck with your story! Although I would reccomend not holding chapters to ransom with a certain number of views, or reviews, just set yourself a schedule. Be it an update every week, two weeks or even month, but stick to that instead of views. If you go by that then those that have already read, or even followed, are basically being punished for a lack of interest in your work. Not to mention more people might be brought in by a higher word count as you update more and more.
All the best, Fran.
8/2/2016 c1 9supernatural-fan2
I really like this story, it's well written out, and would love if continued with it.
9supernatural-fan2I really like this story, it's well written out, and would love if continued with it.
7/26/2016 c1 2SecretWishX
Firstly, I am liking Melissa's character so far, and how her actions already show readers a lot about her. The finest example of this is the way she first viewed the letter as some sort of prank, but then after persistence, started to see them as a possible "escape." I find that interesting, and it says more about her life than any other descriptions of her father's actions towards her, that she's willing to stop doubting and start believing letter that proclaimed she was to learn magic delivered by an owl to get away from all that. That has to be my favorite thing about this chapter.
While I can tell that this is unedited, doesn't distract from the story itself and is unnoticeable. (Except to my grammar OCDness!) There were only a few mistakes concerning punctuation and spelling as far as I could see, and even those were minor.
This chapter was quite short, so I hope you'll update soon, as I can't wait for there to be some more action and interaction with other characters!
2SecretWishXFirstly, I am liking Melissa's character so far, and how her actions already show readers a lot about her. The finest example of this is the way she first viewed the letter as some sort of prank, but then after persistence, started to see them as a possible "escape." I find that interesting, and it says more about her life than any other descriptions of her father's actions towards her, that she's willing to stop doubting and start believing letter that proclaimed she was to learn magic delivered by an owl to get away from all that. That has to be my favorite thing about this chapter.
While I can tell that this is unedited, doesn't distract from the story itself and is unnoticeable. (Except to my grammar OCDness!) There were only a few mistakes concerning punctuation and spelling as far as I could see, and even those were minor.
This chapter was quite short, so I hope you'll update soon, as I can't wait for there to be some more action and interaction with other characters!