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7/31/2016 c1 23St Elmo's Fire
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[I blame it on the horror stories I was told way too often, despite being of faint heart.]

This phrasing is a little confusing – it sounds like she's saying “I blame it … despite being faint of heart”, when it looks like what you meant was that she was told stories too often in spite of her faint heart.

[The two Meowstic are fraternal twins, mine the female and Sypriana's the male and older sibling. And after today, who knows when they'll see each other again―Sypriana and I would be separating at the fork in the road a bit after Ecruteak City, she going to Goldenrod City while I would venture through a few more towns to get back to New Bark Town. My Meowstic had slept in Sypriana's cabin last night in order to spend as much time with her brother as possible.]

That's pretty sad.

[Sypriana has already finished our business here, in her hands two carriers each with 6 bottles.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. Also, in prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[my Meowstic mimicking Sypriana and hugs her brother.]

That needs to be “hugging”, for consistency.

["So, a Chinchou, huh?" My father says]

You're generally writing dialogue correctly, but the same formatting applies regardless of what punctuation the dialogue ends on. So that “my” should be uncapitalized.

[It's barely comes out as a whisper]


[and . . . my Lanturn…]

It's really jarring to see two different ellipses formats side-by-side by this. You should decide on one and keep it consistent throughout the story.

This is fairly well-written; you pack a lot of detail into the main character and her life. I also like that this is a story about an established trainer, as there aren't nearly enough of those.

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