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2/1/2017 c1 Guest
Names like "Crow Mortus" are what happens when you really strain yourself reaching for that symbolism.

All I can expect is that your OC got her name legally changed when she was 18 cuz that's the only way this could hope to make sense.
1/23/2017 c1 French Passerby
Hello ! I’ve been seeing this fanfiction in the list for a while and I like Jonathan Crane so I decided that I’d give it a go despite my initial skepticism. Why the skepticism ? Because I’m always wary of original names. It can be handled well, I know of a story with a girl named Macbeth Widdershins, who was a complete weirdo, daughter of a weirdo, and everyone thought her name was strange and made comments about it. But here I see no comments. Not something unrealistically mean or anything, just things like ‘oh, that’s unusual’ or ‘Huh. Never heard that one before.’, because that’s how the reader will initially react to it, and seeing that issue being addressed is a nod to the reader’s emotions. Also people with weird names often shorten them in order to fit in, especially if they are shy and not very confident like your Crowlin seems to be. I have a pretty uncommon name myself, people mispronounce it all the time so that’s also why I shorten it and with a name like Crowlin there would not be a lot of people who would be able to pronounce it right on the first time.

The Asylum is described as castle-like. Huh. Why not, it’s more Romantic and less like Nolan’s Realism but since it’s Arkham it can fit.

There is something that I really dislike : the way you put down every character in the story to make yours look more special to the point were it becomes ridiculous. You describe all the other doctors as antagonistic blonde females wearing pastel colors but it’s very uncharacteristic of Arkham and I honestly can’t remember a SINGLE doctor in the whole history of Batman comics/cartoons/movies fitting that description. I mean, if it were the Stepford Wives I’d say cool, that lack of diversity is creepy, why not, but it’s so weird here that it breaks storytelling, and it’s so obvious that it makes Crowlin annoying, and not more likeable.

The way she just happens to bump into Harley raises eyebrow too, especially since she’s never described as particularly likeable pre-joker : she’s either described as shy, introverted and so depressed that only him could make her laugh, or as a glory-hound who slept with her teachers, felt absolutely no compassion for anyone, be it her patients, their victims or their colleagues. She’s a fun villain sure, but before that she’s either depressed or a borderline sociopath (still a borderline sociopath after... But a fun one). So once again since it’s so weird and has no use or logic for the story (they say hello and she just goes away) it’s kinda like a useless cameo in a tv series, it’s annoying because it’s an obvious money grab and thus breaks storytelling again.

Now about the meeting with Crane : first of all, have you ever been to a job interview ? Because this doesn’t feel like one at all. A little advice : When you don’t know, don’t write it in details, just gloss over it in the narration, so this way the errors are less noticeable. Not everyone has the patience or the level to understand complicated things like advanced psychology or psychopharmacology, so if you make mistakes a large chunk of your readership won’t see it, but writing a job interview like that is a glaring mistake that will raise eyebrows. As Stephen King said: Write what you know. It will always feel more pleasant, more natural and my favorite stories are the ones were I can learn about new subjects, like Japanese culture in The Secrets of Scary People by J Horror Fan (also a OcxJonathan Crane in the Nolan-verse, really cool, you should check it out!).

Speaking of Jonathan … Well he seems very... Bland. I mean, there are different versions of him in the comics and in fanfictions. Sometimes he’s cold, sometimes he’s narcissistic, sometimes he’s a tortured genius, he may use black humor, sarcastic retorts or twisted lullabies. He may be a soulless Lecter like sociopath of a raving lunatic but he always has substance, you know what I mean? He’s the kind of character that stays with you, that you obsess over. Here he’s... Nothing at all. I see no personality and he even use exactly the same sentence that Harley used earlier. Crowlin has some personality, she’s shy and doesn’t have a lot of confidence, the other women are antagonistic but they have no personality, Harley has an accent and she’s nice to the heroine but that’s hardly a personality and finally Crane is nice to the heroine but that’s pretty much all. They are bland. Boring. Tasteless. Not the beloved characters people came into this fandom for.

Finally, what I believe is the biggest flaw is that so far there is absolutely no struggle. We love characters and stories sometimes not for who they are but for the odds they overcome. As an example: Crane is a huge asshole but because of things he’s done and overcome, the audience came to like him, to see him as a captivating villain. Even if the characters are boring and/or unlikeable, that the story feels unnatural, you should still be able to make a story enjoyable if said characters struggle to overcome things, have to find different ways of doing things and sometimes fail. That’s like Penguin in the Gotham TV Series, he fails a lot but he will do anything to get back on top and it’s this ruthlessness we adore.

So yeah, a lot of things seem so unnatural to the point of being ridiculous and cringey, I think that’s what I’ll remember the most from this chapter and really it doesn’t make me want to read the other ones, sorry :/ I do hope this will help you in the future though, have a nice day!

(Also, sorry for misspellings and stuff, I’m a French Literature Teacher, English is not my field :’D)

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