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7/21/2019 c6 7HoneyxMonkey
are kidding me? this was so amazing and eloquent. best chapter in here.
8/25/2018 c7 B-Y b-y 1-0
If this is based off that event, then why didn't Snake Eyes shout Scarlett's name and why didn't Scarlett wake up shouting Snake Eyes name like in the comic book? One of their most powerful scenes that showed how much they loved each other... the storytelling and characterization writing of these characters is just not very good, there reduce to teenagers with past and future events that never happen and there's no real justification to any of it. I saw no sort of homage to the original Marvel run in this at all...
7/27/2017 c1 45octocelot
Wow, I really like this! I have no idea who these characters are, but I get the feeling that they are in deep pain. Also, even though I'm reading fandom-blind, I was able to understand that Snake Eyes was using sign language and that something had happened between his previous master and him.

One of the things that struck me most was how the story uses similar/related images throughout, like words related to cutting: sword edge, blade-like, surgical, cuts. And even more interestingly, the “slicing” kind of touch is juxtaposed with soft touches in the last part of the story. I also love how you chart the way Shana changes by the way/if she looks at him, starting with how “she won't look at him,” then how she closes her eyes, and then how she finally looks at him.

Those last few paragraphs about Shana's name are really heartbreaking.

Also, gosh, why are you using my dumb drawing salkjsdfkl
7/27/2017 c7 67TolkienScholar
Okay, so I do have to ask now, what's with Shana/Scarlett? I saw it in the pairing and just didn't pay attention to it, but I do need to know now: Why does she have two names? ;)

I loved the brief kiss they shared here that harkens back to their first kiss for him. My not knowing that story doesn't matter; it's still very poignant.

Of course she came back for him. How could he expect her to do otherwise? She'd never leave him behind...

Oh, you elaborated on her teaching him sign language! :) I love that she didn't actually completely know it herself when she started teaching it to him; that seems so HER. And she tried every method she could think of, from concern for him, to the fact that his having to write notes wasted time, to a coy little, "Don't you at least want to be able to talk to me?" I love that we're not actually told whether she knew or not, though I suspect she did. It's funny how this scene comes here, now. Another example of her dogged determination not to let things go when she probably should. Then, something relatively minor, though it made a huge difference in his life. Now, something potentially fatal.

Oh. Oh, wow. "Sometimes familiar sounds or voices can help." But the most important voice is one she's never *heard* and which has to be seen. And she can't see. Her father can help (hang on, I thought he was dead?), but Snake Eyes can't, because he's mute. The tiny detail about how he's never learned the sign for "coma" is so touching and sad. It's those little details that add power to a piece like this.

Lol, the exchange over the sarcasm. I've just seen him making jokes in the last chapter, but these flashbacks are before he could speak, before he could afford to waste words on humor. It's funny, but it ends on a poignant note: "there's a whole lot you're not saying." He thinks he doesn't have words to say; she knows he does.

Oh. Oh, that scene where he "says her name" for the first time in sign language was so beautiful it hurt. Why must you make me have so many feels? And then ending on the same note, "Say it again..." Argghh, I can't handle it anymore! Why must you do this to me?

SPAG and miscellaneous nitpicks:
- "'...they're armed to the teeth.' She grit her teeth." - Not wrong, but it just sounds kind of weird to say "teeth" twice so close together. Is there another way you could structure this?

Okay, this has been a journey, and a wonderful one. You're about to join the ranks of the fandom blind fics in my favorites list; you're a brilliant writer who's given me feels for a ship I've never heard of in a fandom I know nothing about. Well done.
7/27/2017 c6 TolkienScholar
Well, pressed for time or no, this pure dialogue chapter was enjoyable to read. :) I liked trying to envision what was going on just through what they were saying. And Snake Eyes is hilarious! I love how it doesn't matter one bit that they're going to a national park; he's still going to teach her survival skills, law or no. "The first thing I'll teach do is teach you how to skin a rabbit." Love it! And, "I wouldn't worry. Bears like me. / I've never met one that doesn't." Lol! And the exchange over the can opener and the matches was hilarious; that was probably my favorite scene. "I'm a ninja not a caveman." Another enjoyable chapter. :)
7/27/2017 c5 TolkienScholar
As someone fandom blind, this chapter was really helpful in allowing me to understand their relationship and all they've been through together. I love the repetition of the line, "I told myself I would tell you later"; it gets sadder every time it's said and just does a fantastic job of tying the entire piece together. I loved getting to see Shana through his eyes and watch his feelings for her unfold. I hadn't realized that she was the one who taught him sign language; I like the idea that she was the one who gave him the ability to communicate again.

I really liked the "David and Goliath" bit, particularly the line, "I suppose I like to think of myself as a very effective slingshot." It helps me get a further sense of who he is, and it's also just really well-worded.

SPAG and other nitpicks:
- "I looked it over. Seems right up your alley." - This "dropped quote" sounds really odd right in the middle of a letter. I think he would at least attach a dialogue tag, but actually, to me it would make more sense if he just said, "She told me it seemed right up my alley." You have to use dialogue a little differently in a letter to make it realistic.
- "But then I remembered who her father was, and figured at the very least I should check in." - You don't need the comma there, or if you want to keep it, then it should be "and I figured..."

Once again, I really enjoyed reading your work. You've really drawn me into this despite my being fandom blind. Well done.
7/26/2017 c4 TolkienScholar
Cute, cute, precious and angsty and CUTE! I love how much the "We need to talk" freaks him out. It would freak anyone out, but especially given the normal course of communication between guys and girls, it's not surprising that this is a case that would be especially worrisome particularly as his experience tells him that this means "a bright future turned to ash." She should have realized that, knowing him as she does, but she's hormonal and afraid, and she's not being rational. And then the discussion goes dreadfully wrong until at last the news, what she's actually been wanting to tell him this whole time, just bursts out at the wrong moment. I love how that's all it takes, though, to bring her back to herself. (Nice use of "aplomb," btw.) And I love his thought process, from wanting to jump out the window - which she instantly picks up on - to thinking he shouldn't have a child, to telling her that he thinks it's what he's always wanted, and by that point he really means it. To the point that he's willing to sacrifice his job and instead join the army even though he doesn't want to, because she's more important.

Present tense nitpicks:
- "They had agreed long ago on radio silence." - "They agreed long ago on radio silence."
- "...the vibrating in his pocket had been too hard to ignore." - "...the vibrating in his pocket was too hard to ignore."

Miscellaneous SPAG:
- "Were you stealing something? Killing someone." - Shouldn't the period also be a question mark?
- "It's the only thing I know how to do.]/'No you don't!'" - These don't match up. It would connect a lot better if she said, "No it's not!" I recognize that she's referring to his [Yes I do], but that isn't really clear when you read it.
- "...your pro bono "consultations," he'd like it..." - I believe you meant to use apostrophes/inverted commas rather than quotation marks, since this occurs within a line of dialogue.

Another lovely, lovely chapter. I'm enjoying this so much.
7/26/2017 c3 TolkienScholar
I was intrigued by the tense change in this chapter. It immediately makes me wonder whether it's significant or whether you just thought this chapter would come across better in past tense. As I read, though, I'm guessing it's because this happened before the events of the previous two scenes, because they haven't known each other for long.

I can relate so much to Snake Eyes's pain here. I'm really bad with understanding people, with picking up on what various social cues and body language mean; I find people confusing as well. That makes this chapter really personal to me.

I. Love. This. Line: "But never had anyone taken a part of their innermost thoughts and poured them like a faucet into his bloodstained hands." Beautifully said, and painfully sad. And the fact that she's pouring this out to him after knowing him for only two weeks speaks to the fact that in spite of his hesitancy, in spite of his finding people confusing, there's something about him that made her feel comfortable opening up. There's more to him than he thinks there is.

And then that ending. It goes contrary to what you'd expect it to, because he's young and fiery too, and he doesn't want to resign himself to forgive and forget. He's willing to help her set COBRA on fire, and he's even the one to suggest it. I like how he thinks, "Maybe she should stay as broken as he." It doesn't come across as selfish but rather as a recognition that she is different and her power comes, in some part, from her brokenness. Once again, your characterization really shines.
7/26/2017 c2 TolkienScholar
I love your characterization of Shana. She obviously knows Snake Eyes incredibly well, and I love that she's able to pick up the littlest details so that she knows when he's about to try to grab it from her. I also love things like "But Shana is Shana and Shana doesn't leave until she gets what she came for" and "No army. ... Just him." And she's so mercurial. She switches from playful to angry to thinking he's the cutest thing ever in no time at all, and when she reacts to something, it's never quite the reaction you'd expect. She's amazing. No wonder he's so head-over-heels for her. :D

Your description of the fight scene by numbering off the opponents as they're dispatched was really effective for quickly capturing quick actions in a slightly tongue-in-cheek fashion. I like that.

Again, just a few tense issues:
- "She'd woken with a hankering to run through a few knife routines and was on the search for a particular blade ... when her hand brushes..." - I had to run over this one several times in my head before I figured it out. At first I thought "She'd woken..." might be fine, but the more I think about it, the more it seems to me you do need to switch to present perfect tense: "She's woken with a hankering to run through a few knife routines and has been on the search for a particular blade ... when her hand brushes..." The first part of the sentence sounds like it's written for past tense otherwise.
- "They'd made it inside undetected..." - Again, you need present perfect: "They've made it inside undetected..."
- "He'd written ... he'd deposited..." - Again, use simple past rather than past perfect.
- "...who'd been given one lollipop." - Present perfect again: "...who've been given one lollipop."

I love the last line, and really the whole chapter. Your characterization is vivid and fun, and you have a knack for choosing just the right word or phrase to convey what you want to say. Excellent writing.
7/26/2017 c1 TolkienScholar
I'm totally fandom blind other than a multiverse crossover that included G. I. Joe that I've reviewed a few chapters of. However, I doubt that's going to be an issue.

Wow, you have a way with descriptions. I love the phrases you use to describe Shana's voice: "unsubtle as lightning bolts," "surgical precision," "handing him an indictment." Well said.

Also, I love the use of sign language and how you quickly establish that brackets mean signing. I don't see sign language used a lot in stories, and I appreciate seeing it here. And I like how they know one another well enough that touch can serve as a shortcut. It reminds me of the song "When You Say Nothing at All," which is one of my favorite country songs.

This line is powerful: "And as much as her voice has the power to destroy, the silent hurts more, cuts deeper, sinks through flesh and bone and those oh-so-carefully constructed walls he's spent his whole life building, another scar on his soul that wiill never feel.

Kudos for using third person present tense; in my opinion, that's the toughest person/tense combination to write, and overall, you do it really well. There were a couple places where it wasn't consistent, though:
- "Ironically, it is her voice that first captured him." - I get that you wanted to use "is" to establish the present tense right away, but as far as I can tell you're talking about the past, and so it does need to be "it was her voice." Don't worry, your readers will still catch onto your chosen tense pretty quickly.
- "The first time Snake Eyes laid eyes on Shana he'd been deceived..." - When you're writing in present tense, you can't use past perfect tense. You can use present perfect tense, as you do later on with "he's been on fire," but here, you just need the simple past tense: "he was deceived..."

I loved this chapter. It's powerful and very well written. Majorly impressed. :)
7/23/2017 c2 132rebecca-in-blue
Hi there, here from the review-a-thon and completely fandom-blind, but I really enjoyed this. Your writing is very smooth, and Snake and Shana's relationship comes through so well in how she can read his little tells, their fighting, and the fact that he keeps a list of her injuries. They clearly care about each other but don't waste time on sentiment.

"like two children who'd been given one lollipop" - I lol'ed at this great line. So funny, and a perfect way to deflate all the action and intensity of the flashback scene. It segues smoothly into their more poignant conversation at the end, which is touching without being sappy. I also love that it ends with them going right back to fight training.
7/22/2017 c3 70Gamemakers
That first line is a great introduction to Snake Eye's character. It kind of makes me wish the shipping week prompts had been in a different order so this chapter could have been first. The last line really feels like the end of a first chapter as well. Oh well, rules, eh?

This dude is so sweet but in the flattest, most emotionless-seeming way ever I love him.

[where a pregnant moon bathed her face in silver] oooh pretty

[Shana held the note long enough to read it three times over] this is so sweet he's gotten to know her well enough over these two weeks that he knows how long it'll take her to read his notes
7/22/2017 c2 Gamemakers
Another good chapter! I like her reaction to the list I think most people would have thought it was a little creepy, keeping a catalog of every time they've been injured and taking it as a personal failure, but she knows him, is comfortable with him, and understands that it's not nearly as stalker-ish as it sounds. I feel like I'm getting a good handle on their relationship despite being fandom blind, which is fabulous. Plus her laughter makes me smile, so bonus points.

[in the same voice she oohs and aahs over YouTube videos of small children learning karate] aaaagghhh i love this description!

Not really to do with the story, but it came up as I was reading. Are you into ninjas because you like them from GI Joe, or does your interest in ninjas contribute to your love for this series?
11/3/2016 c1 Gamemakers
Let me first say that [X times blank didn't, and one time they did] is basically my favorite fanfic trope ever. I was super excited to see that someone had done it for Shipping Week!

["Hell no, you listen to me!"] I really enjoyed this entire paragraph, and this sentence in particular made me giggle.

This one was sad. I hope they get happier. Even though I have no idea who these people are, you've made me like them and I want these two to be happy dammit

I really like how you've handled the sign language in this. It really flows nicely with the rest of the story.
10/11/2016 c7 13roguedoll
Absolutely love this chapter especially with him saying her name awesome!
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