for Black Luminary9/25/2023 c18 
2SPJaymo117
I like a lot of your writing but i find this story almost unreadable because of the female characters specifically. Their portrayal is just unbelievably over the top in regards to thinking, dialogue and actions. I like the story itself, but I often have to put it down after a chapter because I’m annoyed at a character. This is in comparison to your other works where I’ll generally quite easily read 15 chapters in a sitting. I don’t mean to overly critique you here, I just don’t quite understand why you’ve made the girls seem so simple minded and hysterical. To clarify, I’m a man, so this is not me taking some kind of personal offence and I’m not attached to any of the characters I’m speaking about.
If you’d like more specific feedback I’d be happy to point to things specifically, but of course I’m a random on the internet and I know you don’t write to just please me! You’re an amazing story teller.
2SPJaymo117I like a lot of your writing but i find this story almost unreadable because of the female characters specifically. Their portrayal is just unbelievably over the top in regards to thinking, dialogue and actions. I like the story itself, but I often have to put it down after a chapter because I’m annoyed at a character. This is in comparison to your other works where I’ll generally quite easily read 15 chapters in a sitting. I don’t mean to overly critique you here, I just don’t quite understand why you’ve made the girls seem so simple minded and hysterical. To clarify, I’m a man, so this is not me taking some kind of personal offence and I’m not attached to any of the characters I’m speaking about.
If you’d like more specific feedback I’d be happy to point to things specifically, but of course I’m a random on the internet and I know you don’t write to just please me! You’re an amazing story teller.
9/22/2023 c71 JustReadingNewGuy
I didn't read the trigger warning, read while going to work. Now my boss believes I have a distant cousin called Daphne who just suffered a gruesome murder, and it's all your fault.
I didn't read the trigger warning, read while going to work. Now my boss believes I have a distant cousin called Daphne who just suffered a gruesome murder, and it's all your fault.
9/12/2023 c42 TheMoistSoul
I started out really liking this story but you have made all of the characters just so plain unlikeable. Like what even are most of their redeeming qualities anymore. Intelligence, ambition, cunning, and family loyalty are great but its really hard to cheer for people who are consistently showing those and rarely any others outside of those associated with them failing either magically, physically, or socially. They don't feel one dimensional, you have done a great job of showing their multifaceted personalities, but by god I don't want to keep reading about them. You have an interesting premise but it all feels bleh. Beyond that all of the plot points feel so ungodly contrived. This whole thing with the Lethifolds is one of the worst tropes in entertainment, which is where someone from outside the situation both recognized and could have fixed the problem at any time and didn't for no good reason. In fact the dialogue I have hated the most is between Harry and Arcturus and Aenor about the Lethifold because of how obvious it is that they very much could have and should have done more and by more I mean ANYTHING. This isn't even a secret ambition, or making painful decision, a hard lesson being learned things. That is just straight up actual honest to god stupidity. It is a crisis of an awful scale, You have made sure of that but you didn't have any of the characters react even semi appropriately to its buildup to ensure that made it to the climax that you wanted. You have mentioned wanting a realistic world that makes sense but you are just as guilty as the people you have critiqued of writing whatever is needed to get to the point you wanted and just rationalizing it all away. Something being planned out from the beginning a certain way does not in any way mean that the plot naturally unfolded in such a manner and you're making the same mistakes you have degraded others for.
I started out really liking this story but you have made all of the characters just so plain unlikeable. Like what even are most of their redeeming qualities anymore. Intelligence, ambition, cunning, and family loyalty are great but its really hard to cheer for people who are consistently showing those and rarely any others outside of those associated with them failing either magically, physically, or socially. They don't feel one dimensional, you have done a great job of showing their multifaceted personalities, but by god I don't want to keep reading about them. You have an interesting premise but it all feels bleh. Beyond that all of the plot points feel so ungodly contrived. This whole thing with the Lethifolds is one of the worst tropes in entertainment, which is where someone from outside the situation both recognized and could have fixed the problem at any time and didn't for no good reason. In fact the dialogue I have hated the most is between Harry and Arcturus and Aenor about the Lethifold because of how obvious it is that they very much could have and should have done more and by more I mean ANYTHING. This isn't even a secret ambition, or making painful decision, a hard lesson being learned things. That is just straight up actual honest to god stupidity. It is a crisis of an awful scale, You have made sure of that but you didn't have any of the characters react even semi appropriately to its buildup to ensure that made it to the climax that you wanted. You have mentioned wanting a realistic world that makes sense but you are just as guilty as the people you have critiqued of writing whatever is needed to get to the point you wanted and just rationalizing it all away. Something being planned out from the beginning a certain way does not in any way mean that the plot naturally unfolded in such a manner and you're making the same mistakes you have degraded others for.
9/12/2023 c71 7deepdiver
Emerics evil eye that was a rush. Had to re-read the whole thing to get here and wow! That was a top tier experience. Cheers for that! The unexpected twist with Reg at the end was just *chef’s kiss*
7deepdiverEmerics evil eye that was a rush. Had to re-read the whole thing to get here and wow! That was a top tier experience. Cheers for that! The unexpected twist with Reg at the end was just *chef’s kiss*
9/7/2023 c6 ZeroSquadSephiroth
This chapter caused me to lose interest in the fic and stop reading. I throughly hate the characterisation of Daphne and others and was unable to fund enough interest to read beyond this point.
This chapter caused me to lose interest in the fic and stop reading. I throughly hate the characterisation of Daphne and others and was unable to fund enough interest to read beyond this point.
8/18/2023 c71 Guest
Great story.
The start (year 1) is a bit rough and cringy in some parts.
There are questions about why some decisions were made by the author. (what's the point of harry's phobia of girls? it goes nowhere)
But eventually, the story grows and becomes amazing. The lethifold catastrophe was really interesting to watch unfold.
I actually didn't even realize who this Lazarus character was, even though it's so obvious in hindsight so good job with that. I absolutely love the hints that Draco is really not that simple and was actually playing his own game. I wonder if anything about him was genuine at all. I wonder what side he's on, if any.
Really excited to see how bad this is gonna get, with the war looming on the horizon, Antonius closing in on the Blacks, Alice and Sirius knowing without doubt that the Blacks do in fact have hidden branches, even though they might not have any proof.
And things for Harry are getting really bad. His emotions he shelved away about the Lethifolds and Tonks. Losing Daphnee. He will kill Sirius for it, but he will also probably see the truth in Sirius's words, whether he likes them or not. Coming to terms with Bella's role in the murder of the Potters, and perhaps also ultimately Arcturus's role. He probably knows already, but is rejecting the possibility.
And... why did they kill the Potters? Why did Dolohov go after Harry, fifteen years after the raid? Maybe something else is working in the shadows? Something memory-holed by the ICW. Something-that-shall not-be-named?
Looking forward to it.
Great story.
The start (year 1) is a bit rough and cringy in some parts.
There are questions about why some decisions were made by the author. (what's the point of harry's phobia of girls? it goes nowhere)
But eventually, the story grows and becomes amazing. The lethifold catastrophe was really interesting to watch unfold.
I actually didn't even realize who this Lazarus character was, even though it's so obvious in hindsight so good job with that. I absolutely love the hints that Draco is really not that simple and was actually playing his own game. I wonder if anything about him was genuine at all. I wonder what side he's on, if any.
Really excited to see how bad this is gonna get, with the war looming on the horizon, Antonius closing in on the Blacks, Alice and Sirius knowing without doubt that the Blacks do in fact have hidden branches, even though they might not have any proof.
And things for Harry are getting really bad. His emotions he shelved away about the Lethifolds and Tonks. Losing Daphnee. He will kill Sirius for it, but he will also probably see the truth in Sirius's words, whether he likes them or not. Coming to terms with Bella's role in the murder of the Potters, and perhaps also ultimately Arcturus's role. He probably knows already, but is rejecting the possibility.
And... why did they kill the Potters? Why did Dolohov go after Harry, fifteen years after the raid? Maybe something else is working in the shadows? Something memory-holed by the ICW. Something-that-shall not-be-named?
Looking forward to it.
8/15/2023 c35 Vesp
Świetna historia,emocjonująca i oryginalna. Dlaczego Harry nie jest wężomówcą? Powinien być .
I czy jest\będzie w Twoim świecie Tom Riddle?
Dzięki za pracę i pozdrawiam.
Świetna historia,emocjonująca i oryginalna. Dlaczego Harry nie jest wężomówcą? Powinien być .
I czy jest\będzie w Twoim świecie Tom Riddle?
Dzięki za pracę i pozdrawiam.
8/11/2023 c71 mockury
You fucking maniac. I can't believe you killed her off. Where is the next chapter!? 3
You fucking maniac. I can't believe you killed her off. Where is the next chapter!? 3
8/11/2023 c71 W0lf12
I really enjoy his story, keep up the good work!
For the people browsing comments to decide if its worth reading, it starts a bit slow and its a decent fanfic at the start, becomes good with the introduction of the lestrange children and gets better and better onwards, worth sticking through. Would recommend.
I really enjoy his story, keep up the good work!
For the people browsing comments to decide if its worth reading, it starts a bit slow and its a decent fanfic at the start, becomes good with the introduction of the lestrange children and gets better and better onwards, worth sticking through. Would recommend.
8/9/2023 c5 1Ranger Station Charlie
Okay the premise is this story is interesting. This Harry is essentially a completely different person from original to the point that you only use Harry Potter for fans to have someone to follow.
The characters feel weird and the starting off age 14. I understand as a writer it's hard to deal with writing 11 year Olds. Yet the characters are in this weird state of they feel like 11 and 14. Which honestly teenagers do act like this.
Another question is accidental magic might seem to be a much bigger deal in this time of kids aren't told about magic at 13. Look at Harry in the second book his accidental magic caused someone to inflate. You'd think Muggleborns would be told sooner and have a wizzard in charge of helping them understand the magical world at 11 then administrated to Hogwarts at 14. Still this just pop in my head when thinking of how this age change would impact things. Honestly this plot point brings up a lot of questions. My last would be do they become of age at 17 like on the original?
Your writing is well done, a personal criticism is that you go over indepth of explaining what's going on in a scene.
Harry trying to reform Snake House or help the reputation of his house is an interesting if already used topic. It's a nice handicap you've gave him that his social skills are decently impaired if he's wanting to fix such a huge social issue, among such a diverse population of houses. The hardest group to amend things would be gryffindor.
It's also interesting that he's read Muggle Philosophy books. Or is he a snop and just read ancient Greek philosophy books and nothing actually recent in that last 50 years of muggle philosophy.
1Ranger Station CharlieOkay the premise is this story is interesting. This Harry is essentially a completely different person from original to the point that you only use Harry Potter for fans to have someone to follow.
The characters feel weird and the starting off age 14. I understand as a writer it's hard to deal with writing 11 year Olds. Yet the characters are in this weird state of they feel like 11 and 14. Which honestly teenagers do act like this.
Another question is accidental magic might seem to be a much bigger deal in this time of kids aren't told about magic at 13. Look at Harry in the second book his accidental magic caused someone to inflate. You'd think Muggleborns would be told sooner and have a wizzard in charge of helping them understand the magical world at 11 then administrated to Hogwarts at 14. Still this just pop in my head when thinking of how this age change would impact things. Honestly this plot point brings up a lot of questions. My last would be do they become of age at 17 like on the original?
Your writing is well done, a personal criticism is that you go over indepth of explaining what's going on in a scene.
Harry trying to reform Snake House or help the reputation of his house is an interesting if already used topic. It's a nice handicap you've gave him that his social skills are decently impaired if he's wanting to fix such a huge social issue, among such a diverse population of houses. The hardest group to amend things would be gryffindor.
It's also interesting that he's read Muggle Philosophy books. Or is he a snop and just read ancient Greek philosophy books and nothing actually recent in that last 50 years of muggle philosophy.