Just In
for Bancho of DXD

12/14/2020 c3 Ranmaleopard
This is just really interesting and I can't wait to see what happens next. Please continue
7/27/2020 c1 Ozymandias42
this is surprisingly awesome story. I love the Naruto x Kaguya ship. it has so much potential and is so rare!
9/25/2019 c3 Guest
Why hasn't this been updated
6/29/2019 c1 Uzukaki
Well that's interesting.
12/19/2018 c3 DirtyFaggot
dafuq is this trash
8/8/2018 c3 4Monster King
Great story please continue it.
You really need to work on spelling. It is ruining this entire story
5/17/2018 c1 Fullmetal11791
Ok so let me start off by saying i like the idea. Think Sasuke is super under utilized as a character, so I'm glad you're using him. Also think the idea about them visiting other worlds and living lives there is cool.

I do have complaints though. First, your grammar. While not awful, it's not good. You've got periods in the middle of sentences, you're missing commas where you need commas, you have multiple characters speaking in the same paragraph, you've also got a lot of spelling errors, and you're using words incorrectly. You need to proof read your work, and/or have someone proof it for you.

Second, as far a plot goes... why do Naruto and Sasuke have reincarnations they can take over in other universes? That makes literal no sense. You could have just made up some combined technique that all three of them use to allow them to live lives in other universes. But saying that there are copies of Asura and Indra living lives in worlds where Kaguya doesn't even exist? And finally, if Naruto and Sasuke are going to these universes by reincarnating, ...why is Kaguya able to do this as well? It just seems dumb.

My second complaint about the plot is that this trip to the dxd verse doesnt seem well thought out. They're going to spend, as you said, thousands of life times over there. They'll both have multille people, who for all purposes are immoral, that they fall in love with. Hell, considering how long lived beings are in the dxd verse, they'd prob spend a half dozen milenia there. They'll spend more time in the dxd verse developing relationships than they've spent in all their other adventures combined. And then eventually, they'll wind up back in their real bodies in the elemental nations. Even though Naruto and Kaguya will still have each other, both they and Sasuke are going to have to deal with the fact that poeple they've cared for for thousands of years are gone, while kids and grandkids are still alive and they'll never see them again. Coming back to the elemental nations at the end of this is going to break them. All three of them. And it just leaves a poor taste in ones mouth when you know the only possible ending is heartbreak for all three main characters after only the first chapter.

I think they should have simply actually gone to the dxd verse, instead of just sending their souls.
3/10/2018 c1 2trex0428
Did kaguya just married her descendant?wtf
1/23/2018 c1 Guest
i thought you did good on the houle storey
1/3/2018 c3 2WolkaiserDrake
not bad
12/27/2017 c3 fenixrojo36
12/23/2017 c3 OromisGlaedr
I had to stop a few paragraphs into the second chapter, but I did scan over this last one. Here's a couple of constructive criticisms, so do with them as you will.

1. You have a good premise, don't let yourself get bogged down with trying to cram all the details in your head onto the paper. Find a compromise between "not enough info" and "too much info". You started out great, but then allowed yourself to fall into "worldbuilding through dialogue" instead of "character development through dialogue". It's okay to do that every now and then, but too much is too much. Allow the story to tell itself through your characters actions. For examples of what I mean, look at Third Fang's later works.

2. Try not to be so flowery with the smut. Don't try to use so many metaphors when describing anything sexy or kinky. Often times a scene can be more visceral by using less words, but also by using them in a more powerful way. Literotica is a good site to go to if you would like to see many examples. Focus on the "highest rated" or "award winner" categories.

3. Get a beta. A major reason I had to stop was because of the constant misuse of words and grammatical failures. There's nothing wrong with that, especially as a self-admitted "new writer". It's okay to ask for help. Once you write up a chapter, have someone that has a solid grasp of the English language and written nuances go over it and edit as needed. Either use that directly, or rewrite and have the second draft checked again. It's okay to have grammatical errors in dialogue, since you're representing how someone speaks, but it shouldn't happen in the rest of the content.

I'll give you an example below, rewriting a small portion of the first part of Chapter 1:

Chapter 1:


How many years had it been since he'd been here last? Was it 10? 20? 100? After her death, he wandered the globe feeling hollow and regretful. Like always, however, bthat/b man came to save him; even if he didn't want to be saved.

'iKami, what would I do without my brother?i' Sasuke Uchiha, the Eternal Yin Wanderer, already knew the answer to his own question. Giving a sigh, the not-quite-broken man looked out over The Valley of the End as he thought back to his worst days and how his philosophical brother kept him sane.

Roughly 650 years ago, he and his best friend found their twisted blessing. Six centuries ago, they found out what it cost them. Immortality is nothing but a malediction. Immortality cost them their family.

Due to the strength they accumulated during the war and the subsequent years, their bodies adapted and changed. Their chakra coils were forced to twist to accept the Sage's Mark. An unintended consequence of the power, their bodies and souls were corrupted, inhuman. They were no longer affected by the passage of time or the concept of death.

Sasuke was the weaker spiritually between the two, thus he took it the hardest. He had lost everything once and now he had to relive that nightmare for eternity. Panicking, he ran. Sasuke ran away from his wife; he ran from his 15 year old daughter. The Yin half ran from his pain, he ran from his fears, and he even tried to run from his powers. Not even two months later, his Yang half found him covered in blood and in a grief-driven frenzy of experimentation. Naruto Uzumaki was the grounding half to him yet again.

Take what you will from it, I definitely don't claim to be an award winning writer. You can be more wordy than me or less wordy, just find a style that works for you.

Good luck!
12/22/2017 c3 Xemenon
nice chapter...
12/18/2017 c3 reader
wow,a very different story and i like it,but i have one request,please put gabriel in naruto harem! sasuke can get anyone(rias,sona,serafall,etc)but please put gabriel with naruto!
103 Page 1 2 3 4 .. Last Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service