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for Me And Jeremy Meet RWBY Part 1

9/4/2016 c1 9Trusty McGoodGuy
Alright so ummm...this is not good. At all.

I don't know if you'll even want to hear this but, here's what's wrong with it:
1) Don't use script format. You aren't writing a script, you're writing a story, so learn to use the practices and conventions associated with it, otherwise people don't want to read it.
2) Make it a decent length. An unspoken rule is that anything under 1k words isn't worth the time to read. What you want to be aiming for is around 2-3k words per chapter at least, as that's what is normal for a real, short novel.
3) Set up a scene. This started and I had no idea who these people were, where they were, why the were there, and why I should care about any of that stuff.
4) Make real characters. If you want a reader to empathise and invest emotionally in the character you've created, then make them seem like real people rather than one note characters. All I saw in this is that one is loud and worrying, while another lazy and uncaring. There is nothing about these people that stands out and makes me want to give a shit.
5) Fix your spelling, grammar, and writing style. All of these are essential to an at least bearable reading experience, things like all capitalised sentences make it difficult to read and are a sign of an amatuer writer.

There's a lot more that can be fixed after this, but focus on these basic points first before you start worrying about any of that.

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