FanFiction.Net
Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Money is Power - A Mercenary Tale

8/14/2022 c2 nnnnmhughuuhhjiijj
Dude, you're great at descriptions.
3/24/2017 c2 7Riddle Wraith
I do indeed have wine, good sir/mam. Seriously though, I like it so far. I hope to see it updated in the near future.
1/19/2017 c2 Saitofan
A interesting story, I hope you will update soon again.
1/21/2017 c2 3Hakazu
A really interesting story concept and I hope you will update soon again _
12/4/2016 c2 Soul D Phoenix
Interesting story idea, looking forward to more.
11/7/2016 c2 BBWulf
This looks interesting thus far.
10/23/2016 c2 7Paxloria
I've been looking forward to this!
Glad you updated!

I really liked that moment when the topic of how many lives were at stake came up and Kiritsugu started to listen carefully & take Harry seriously.
That was a great moment!
_

On a different topic, I have a suggestion.
ORIGINAL LINE:
"But a lot of people will die if this creature is allowed to live! The kind of person I'm asking you to kill isn't an innocent if this is the problem-"
SUGGESTION:
"The kind of person I'm asking you to kill isn't an innocent if that is the problem, but a lot of people will die if this creature is allowed to live!"
REASON:
The only reason that Kiritsugu whirrled around to hear out Harry so suddenly is because he mentioned the deaths of "a lot of people" and paid no attention to the rest of it, so my opinion is that is better to switch these lines around to better match the characters actions.
_

There are a LOT of little problems here that need fixing and also mess up the meaning of some of what you MEANT to actually say.
~ Like: I couldn't tell if it was a good thing or a bad thing to the character that he didn't tell the targets name before the contract was signed.
So I'd strongly suggest making corrections and then replacing this chapter with the improved one.

Also, because of whats written in your first chapter, I'd STRONGLY recomend adding in a scene here where Kiritsugu speakes into his listening devise to Maiya and tells her that he's turning it off, before doing so. After that, you should have a sceene where, after Kiritsugu hears the story, She is called in to ALSO sign the contract and get the details.

The reason is: The contract to prevent deliberate (punished by death) or accidentally (enforced by compulsion) revieling the truth and will kill the signer (Kiritsugu) at once if he signs the contract while KNOWING that someone else (his assistent Maya) who doesn't already know the secret is listening in.

The way things are now, Kiritsugu should have died the moment he signed the contact and DID NOT deactivate the listening devise before Harry started explaining things.
_

Good luck with your writting.

Hope to read the next chapter soon.
10/23/2016 c2 ArchonCelestia
Hmmm well Harry is no Blue Blood but 90 High Quality circuits without a Crest is quite good for 800 years of Breeding, I would of thought it would of been more near to 100 seeing as it is 800 years of Breeding but maybe that'd be a bit too much seeing as you never said the "Pipe" couldn't strengthen and widen. I hope your not underestimating Tom's deadliness and intelligence because despite all the hype J.K put into him he's curiously only limited to two Spells whenever it concerns Harry or just flinging his own magic around through the Elder Wand.
10/23/2016 c1 Bonn Hurr
I admit I just read this chapter after I posted my review after reading the 2nd chapter. I feel like a goddamned idiot now. Ah, what can you do right? At least it seems you've read up on Kiritsugu so this story should be in fine hands now. Sorry about that. Your opening is fine by the way, and no offence to the other guy, this seems to be much better written than the other Kiritsugu centric HP story. Once again, good luck!
10/23/2016 c2 Bonn Hurr
Well this is turning to become interesting. Personally, I'd advise not doing too much details with the magic business. It's always a pain in the ass and hard core Nasu fans are going to be butt hurt like you won't believe if it doesn't fit with their world view. (From what I can tell, yours can work. Maybe. I'm not a hard core fan.) At least you didn't do the Dresden Files, the magic systems are just to different to ever work together.

Also, from what I remember, Harry is only above average and nowhere near the powerhouses aka Dumbledore, Voldemort and probably Grindlewald. Not only that, but HP wizards have the unfair advantage of being able to teleport and not running out of power when it comes to casting spells. Said powerhouses probably know a crap ton of spells too.

That isn't to say Kiritsugu won't be able to clean them up like last week's garbage. To put it simply, if this is just to write Kiritsugu killing a bunch of death eaters and Voldemort, its going to be a short fic. You'll need to write the fall out as well.

Anyways, just in case you happen to forget, the Origin rounds are going to absolutely fuck Voldemort up. Even if it doesn't say affect his abilities to use magic, Kiritsugu's Thompson Contender is strong enough that it can pretty much punch through anything short of a military-grade armor of an armored vehicle (its even worse when you realize it immediately affects Magi upon contact with magecraft so magic shields are a no go). Not to mention that no wounds or bleeding happens when it come in contact with the target; instead it messes up the capillaries and nerves and causes affects similar to necrosis.

And since it's basically a conceptual weapon, I'm sure there is no way at all to ever come back from that (cut off the affected area and you'll still feel the after affects since it also affects the magic circuits and by proxy the soul itself. Of course considering HP wizards can only access two in your fic, it's still going to fuck them up and their wands). If it doesn't kill him instantly, the wounds are most definitely fatal and he'll never recover from it (or walk) even if he is healed.

... Well this review went way too long. Sorry about that (and walls of text). *coughs awkwardly* Well apart from some spelling errors here and there, you seem to have this in the bag. Good luck!
10/22/2016 c2 1A New User
I have said this before, and I will say this again, but aren't magical circuits on the soul of a person? or b/c if it is, technically Voldemort is hindering his magical potential by creating these horcruxes, and if an origin bullet his Voldemort, then that fragment of his soul might (b/c the "circuit" is just one fat line) be unable to permanently use magic...forever. Which makes him no better than a muggle...which he will probably be very upset with.

Again, remember, Kiritsugu is a guy who people actually hold vs debates if he can solo HOGWARTS by himself. Like including all the students, teachers, and DUMBLEDORE HIMSELF. Typically, the conclusion to these debates is that if Kiritsugu has access to information about his targets, he can enter the bounded field via his unique origin, and possibly just blow up the entire student population, snipe Dumbledore and wipe out the rest of the teachers with explosives and bullets.

But then again, imagine the fallout once Kiritsugu actually kills Voldemort, and the whole wizarding world found out that:
1. The Savior of the Wizarding World hired a mercenary to kill Voldemort
2. There is another group of spellcasters out there...and they are more powerful, ruthless, competant, and fight and live alongside various beings that would make Voldy sh*t his pants
3. Somewhat confirm the pureblood theory, except that it might not apply to wand users (since one circuit), but number of magical ancestors don't really matter, its based on od capacity, how close one is to the root, and the magical crest.
4. The most powerful dark wizard and all of his closest followers got defeated by a single man...using primarily explosives and guns.
10/22/2016 c2 thunder18
Great chapter Update soon
10/22/2016 c2 1RebeliousOne
I'm glad that Emiya can see the horcrux. Hopefully he takes care of it for Harry. The purebloods won't see this coming.
10/22/2016 c2 Greyjedi449t
This definitely turned more interesting as the chapter went on.

I'll be looking forward to see where this will be going in the next chapter :)
10/22/2016 c2 Sonicdude8
Interesting. I can't wait to see Kiritsugu eliminating Voldemort. The Magus Killer is on the job.
32 Page 1 .. Last Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service