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10/15/2016 c2 4Gideoncrawle
And now, we get into the meat of the story.

When Tessa compares Lita to a streetwalker, the resident Miss Congeniality actually has a point. Lita does look like a streetwalker, except the scarf is presumably not standard streetwalker attire. [NOTE TO OTHER READERS: Character portraits are available on the Characters subpage of this story’s TV Tropes page, and on the Total Drama Fanfiction wiki.]

Speaking of “Ms. Fanservice”, despite the differences in appearance and stereotype label, I’m getting a Leshawna vibe from Lita, with Tessa the early favorite to become her Heather. Indeed, later developments in this chapter suggest that Seraphina is likely to be the Gwen analog in your version of the Heather-Leshawna-Gwen group dynamic, where Lita (Leshawna) and Seraphina (Gwen) serve as tag team foils to Tessa (Heather).

Of course Hayden and Aiden are willing to try to make room for Lita. They’re teenage boys, and she’s implied to be the hottest girl in the cast. Do the math, as the expression goes. As for Tessa, I’m not sure why Aiden is so surprised at her attitude. “Jerk Jock” is a trope for a reason, although Tessa apparently making no effort to hide her outlook seems more indicative of genre blindness than anything else. As for Tessa’s claims that some of her fellow athletes bullied her, I could believe that.

Rhonda & co. don’t sound terribly organized, what with shooting to last an “indeterminable amount of days”. This is presumably your intent, and I sense budget problems on the horizon. Or could she just be referring to the fact that each individual contestant can’t know how long they will be in the game? Nah, I’ll go with “disorganized”.

Rhonda says the ghosts of the killer and his victims drove away the investigators. The killer’s ghost probably shouldn’t be at the Pentagram unless he died on or near the premises, so I’m guessing that’s an embellishment of Rhonda’s. Zipporah’s attitudes remind me of Crimson and Ennui’s, although what we’ve seen of her personality isn’t especially similar to theirs. Rhonda’s response to Zipporah’s complaint was spoken like a true elimination game host, although given Rhonda’s characterization in your various stories, the thought occurs that she could simply have been oblivious to Zipporah’s distress.

And we come to the first confessional spots of the season. Flash drives aren’t very big, so when Kalino found it because it made his seat uncomfortable, it made me think of “The Princess and the Pea”. Pascal, the genre savvy reality show veteran, begins strategizing immediately and seems a natural main antagonist, but I’m not so sure. My guess is that, precisely because Pascal is an elimination game veteran and some of the other players are aware of that, he’ll eventually get blindsided for being a threat; and his plan to set up a power alliance right off the bat can’t go off without a hitch, lest it become a spoiler. TV Tropes calls this the Unspoken Plan Guarantee.

Weston angsts over having a different room from his brother, and I’m thinking, “Yep, definitely the second coming of Katie and Sadie,” although the dependence here seems more one-sided than with the canonical clones. Then they meet their roommates. Somehow, I’m not surprised that the unfeminine girl has to room with a boy, especially since she’s probably used to it. As for Easton’s roommate, I think Vance could have come up with a better metaphor that “a chicken on a june bug”, because that scenario tends to end messily for the bug—which, for all I know, may be precisely the point.

The Number of the Beast obviously fits Tessa, given the way she has behaved to this point, but Cynthia would be an even better fit, and even more obvious. Tessa further isolates herself when she throws out her roommate, yet she expects to win the game. Apparently her “strategy” is to win every challenge, which CAN work but rarely does.

At the first meal, two colors of cups and one cup for each player. My first thought was that it sounded like a team selection scheme. Sure enough … I’m a bit surprised nobody, especially Pascal, picked up on it until it was too late.

Considering Lita’s fondness for cheese fries, I’m guessing she has to exercise a lot to maintain that knockout figure of hers, otherwise she’d probably look more like Diamonique. Or maybe it’s just the legendary teen metabolism. And Lita has a temper? Yep, definitely a hotter version of Leshawna.

The very first incident in the very first challenge: off the wall absurdity, including crates bigger on the inside. That’s the Rhonda I know and love.

“Diamonique was kind enough to haul a taxi for us”. I’m guessing you meant “hail”. Or maybe not. In the early going, Diamonique reminds me somewhat of Sugar, who can “only” throw a tractor a couple of feet. On a more general note, a lot of the players recall canon characters without being carbon copies, and I think that’s part of the reason why I like this cast.

Frannie’s one of the hottest girls in the game? Now you’re eventually going to have to show us what she looks like under that clown makeup.

Kudos to Seraphina for a great “audition” for the public speaking subchallenge, but Xidorn has an unbeatable argument if he cares to make it. It goes something like this: “You’ve seen what Olympic gymnast Tessa X is like on the talk show circuit. Well, she’s even worse in person, and she’s on the other team. If my team, the Eagles, wins this challenge, then her team can vote her off and a brighter day will dawn for both teams. She’ll probably be out the first challenge her team loses anyway; so the sooner it’s done, the better it will be for everyone—including her, in all likelihood.”

Not much to say about the cliffhanger, since you appear to have chosen it mainly for chapter length, whereas I allow LTDI’s cliffhanger placement to dictate chapter length. Although this chapter has a little more game-relevant action than the first, we’re mostly still just getting to know the players—and that’s no bad thing.
10/9/2016 c1 2Lil Oddy
For this story, I really want to start with the one thing I think makes it unique compared to most stories, and something I tried to do in Frozen, but moved away from it as time moved on, because people seemed to care lesss. And that idea, or trope, or I don't know what to call it, I'm not an English major, is the focus on the host. In the majority of the stories on here, asides from Total Drama: Paradise Falls & Frozen, the host, while they may have a large sum of lines, due to the role of the character they see no progression, or character thought or process. I like to think of the host, as the extra competitor, the person who is not competiting, but has a lot of potentional for character growth because the odds are they will be in almost every chapter- and if you have a sequel they could be there too! They have a role that no other character in your story can take on. Using the previous examples, in Bruno's story, you have the whole Chris-Blainely-Crystal story arc going on through out the entire story, which (minor spoilers) leads to change in hosts for the second second... And from the first two chapters is leading to a very interesting mother-daughter dynamic. In my own story Frozen, the actual host isn't the one seeing interactions with the contestants, that would be the interns who literally take the place of a contestant and interact with the cast, building a relationship and character that wouldn't work out if the interns weren't focused. All of that being said, I really enjoy that you seem to be using the same approach. Right now, despite not really having any specific character to root for, due to the nature of the first chapter itself, I am rooting for Rhonda. I want her show to succeed, and I really want to see THAT story line be an arc, rather than just a one-time thing. It's unique, and interesting and that's what makes a good story.

Moving on to theme/location. I'm not exactly sure if it was mentioned? I read on my mobile device so there is a very good chance I managed to quickly skim over it, but as far as I know the story takes place in Washington. Whether that be a camp ground, which seems to be the ideal location for the overall reboot of the series, or an abandoned location (I think I saw abandoned in the text somewhere!) I'm not sure. The BIG thing going on here is that you took a Canadian delicacy and tarnished it with the American branding - if you weren't my twin I would have stopped reading right there and then, but I will suffer through for you. On the location though, I am really curious to see exactly where it will all be taking place, you're doing a three-parter, so you have plenty of time to reveal the location so I'm in no hurry though. I'm really hoping to see a difference though, like Rhonda said this isn't the Canadian version, because the show is taking place in America is anything going to be different? Will the actual country itself have an effect on the actual story?

There is one thing I really want to bring up and I'm almost have tempted to do up a writer's workshop on it, because I always leave the same type of comment on the introductions, and it's not a BAD thing persay, so don't threat. And if the following sounds like I did not like your approach, then my tone was off, you story was great!

There are TWO ways to do an introduction chapter, in my opinion anyways (three if you go all-out and pull an Ash... but I don't reccomend that.) The first of which, is what you and many, many people do, and it leads to the usual first chapter is a good portion shorter than every other chapter in the story. What happens in these stories is the writer puts a massive focus on introducing each character, rather than interactions. Which is fine, it's the introduction chapter, that's the point! The other way, which is my preffered, (but I still really do enjoy the other aproach) is putting more of a focus on the interactions that a charater has to build up their character and to introduce them that way. The thing about your first chapter is that you're in between both, which is again fine. But because you didn't 100% commit to either choice there a number of characters who I don't remember who they are. Had you really focused on each of their introductions to show how they were all unique then that would have been solved, or had you ~filled~ the chapter out with a handful of interactions, I would have rememebered the characters based on how they interacted. Either way, it's fine. It IS the introduction chapter. But I think you should be weary of this going forward, I mean I've read your past stories so I know this isn't the case, but a good number of readers don't understand the difference between an introduction chapter, and everything else. And so they continue to write these blobs of characters who never really interact, so they never grow, and so I just don't care about who they are.

I want to add this in here, since I tend to only comment on a single character page per story, due to the effort. I really like that you put effort into them. There are a number of potential story lines that were created just from the character pages, so even though you didn't make a massive amount of potential story lines in the first chapter, it's made up for in the character pages, if that makes sense.

I'm going to briefly go over the cast, since I do not like making rankings until the first elimination, for lazy purposes of course. And then offer a few story-line suggestions. They are in order of preference, asides from WHO? characters, where it is via the alphabet.

Weston- The Younger Twin Zactastic Twin. I'm going to feel really bad for saying this, if I'm wrong, but is Weston slow? I am pretty sure he has something going on in that head of his. But he's so adorable and I love him to pieces. Just based on the character pages we know Easton is the actual person, and Weston is the follower, and I have a thing for followers. All he does is repeat Easton, and blatantly stare at attractive girls. Plus he's not on the math team, there's something up with Weston, but if you eliminate him before the merge I will have a bone to pick with you.

Cynthia- This chick. In the character bio I thought oh hey, she prolly did something TERRIBLE and so everyone hates her, but it was by accident or something, and so I instantly fell in love with her, feeling bad. Then I read the chapter, and then proceded to have a dream where a crazy chick was throwing knives at me. Connection? I'm thinking yes. However, as you can see, she is my second favourite character in the entire story. She is also, in my opinion the most ~Rhonda~ character. I am incredibly intrigued by her, especially how she seemed to know it was going to rain before it actually started... Maybe she is unlucky?

Vance- I never thought that a character who reminded me of horses would ever become one of my favourites. I even wrote him off during the character pages as boring, and that I wouldn't care about him. But he is really really entertaining! His whistling? Perfect! And I am waiting for someone to call him on it! I really can't wait to see how he interacts with people!

Ignacio- A very good plot twist I think. I was ready to rank him in my top three, based on his stereotype, it's one of the typical traits of a Zactastic character, after all. But then you tricked me, and tricked your cast! I actually REALLY enjoy him now. And I want to know exactly what is up with this guy. Why does he not want people to know he is a model? Did he only do it for quick cash?

Melissa- She stole my heart. I really hope she bakes me snickerdoodles! She is such a sweetie, and I like to pretend that she's Canadian and just recently moved to the states, because she's too nice to be American. She makes me feel so happy as a character, and she's adorable. I feel like your hinting towards Aiden x Melissa so that could be super cute too!

Aiden- Errrr mah gawd. The true maple syrup in my veins is telling me to hate this kid. But I just can't. Aiden is oddly adorable, and I keep picturing him as ~slightly~ younger or atleast appears to be than the rest of the cast. I really hope you keep Aiden around for a little bit, because he is how I understand what is going on in the story in terms of American things, because I can't even name two states, so his information is much appreciated. Asides from that though, I can just see him grinding Rhonda's gears, and his potential story with Melissa really makes me like him. Even though he's of a trope that I generally dislike.

Seraphina- Seraphina is all of us. She literally is tossing shade like she's Opera! "AND YOU GET SOME SHADE AND YOU AND YOU!" She's amazing, plus her actual reason for joining the show is pure gold. I hope we see more of her... and her physic powers. Slightly WHO? Though.

Ness- I pity her. She has some terrible luck, but she also show how terrible America is. A homeless person stole all of your stuff? Awwww sucks. I kinda hope a cute guy let's her wear some of his clothes, simply because that would be really cute. However asides from a really interesting intro, she was Who?

Lita- I'm really interested with where you go with her. As a character on her own, I don't think she is interesting at all. I feel like she isn't worth my time to care about. As a character in a story with Weston, and Cynthia, I feel like she has plot potential, and I really hope we see those story lines, and her as a character grow.

Jasper- Another WHO? Character, but I know that was done on purpose and I remember his WHOness, so good job! I actually really like (thanks for explaining... I shouldn't read chapters lying in bed) how no one can remember who he is, not even the narrator. I think he will be fun and unique.

Frannie- I think she had one of my favourite introductions, and that's how I remember her. She was unique and another ~Rhonda~ typical character. I really enjoyed what she bro
10/9/2016 c1 4Gideoncrawle
As you know, I’ve long been an advocate of long, detailed introduction chapters, and yours was just the sort I like. The opening scene establishes the familiar (to readers of your earlier competition stories) dynamic of the tri-hosts, and suggests a last-minute scramble resulting from a lack of organization, which is entirely typical of Rhonda & co. I suspect the reference to a failed, earlier American attempt to revive the show was a reference to one or both of your earlier competition stories (one suspended, the other dead), but that’s as may be.

You spend the better part of 5,000 words on the player intros, and for my money it was time well spent. Good descriptions (although I could have done with less focus on their clothing, which I won’t remember anyway) and lots of interactions to get character development off to a running start. Some specific thoughts:

The numeral “1” on Bethany’s jersey is presumably not a coincidence, although it could mean several things. An “I’m number one” statement seems most likely, although Bethany doesn’t seem especially full of herself.

I get a Katie/Sadie vibe from Weston and Easton, and the similarity of their names suggests this is by design.

If Tessa is as famous coming in as Bethany and Xidorn’s reactions suggest, it seems to me the bystanders would be more likely to flock to her than to make way, unless she has attendants/bodyguards to part the proverbial sea. The show’s support staff could also do that, I suppose.

Tessa’s comment concerning free speech and Constitutional Amendments reflects a common misconception. Constitutional provisions restrict the actions of governmental bodies, not private parties. Restricting the actions of private parties is what statutes, ordinances, etc. are for.

No competition story is complete without a clown, and Frannie is just being more literal about it. What’s less obvious is how anyone would have known she was a girl until she spoke, since she apparently arrived in full clown regalia. As for the nicknames she considered for Rhonda, I rather liked “Rhon-Rhon”.

A Silver knockoff named Tinfoil. I like that. When you mentioned Melissa’s plate wrapped in tinfoil, my immediate thought was, “TINFOIL?! OMG, what did she *do* to him?” Now, if it had been Cynthia, I would have had a fair idea what she did to him…

Tessa may have been on the U.S. Olympic team, but her attitude toward the U.S. suggests that she probably wasn’t “representing” anyone but herself. It looks like she’s going to be the player who hates everybody and is hated by everyone in return.

All in all, a promising start.

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