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for Choices

10/14/2018 c1 Trha-86
Down with Critics United!

They are the cancer to our society.

The root of heresy needs to be burnt to crisp

with over thousand innocent souls without remorse or guilt thereafter.

No sacrifice is too great and no treachery too small.

Remember, we all are walking under the immortal shadow of Him.

His light shines so brightly, it will guide us to our foreseen destiny that is in our grasp.

A great moment we all should not pass.

If you are on the same page, cp this message.

Now onto the actual review:
"It's okay."

If I wasn't here, this office would be in chaos in three days
9/13/2018 c1 Suellen Creighton
Hello fellow trolls,
p45t3b1n(doot)c0m(slash)RuTyPEp3 or p45t3b1n(doot)c0m(slash)R69aFd1u
This will lead you to a text archive. Find out how to fuck with fanfiction writers, eh I mean troll, of course.
Another contributor: p45t3b1n(doot)c0m(slash)fbvPBDwv
The text document you will find, will guide you how to code your bot.
This bot was built with the knowledge from our pioneer in the forals of trolling.
Spread the knowledge!
For Chaos!
6/10/2017 c1 Bailey Brassell aka bopdog111
Ok CYBER BULLY. Go after you're own "friends" . LMRaven has a story with song lyrics. It's called Remembrance. Now leave us alone. We are not rule breakers. I've reported LMRaven as have we all. Writers Anon are a bunch of cyber bullies.
5/2/2017 c1 7CricketBeautiful
Poor Todd. The world just won't give him a break.

I like the little things. Keyop bleaching the table. At first it seems like an adult thing, cleaning up without asking, but it's also irrational. There weren't actual germs. Nice mix of serious and irrational. (That's not to say I wouldn't do the same, after ruling out the blow-torch.)

Princess making tea and helping with the tablecloths. Little bits of normal.

They need this.
3/21/2017 c1 13MagpieTales
Hi, here from the WA review game. I loved Battle of the Planets as a kid, but only the visuals stuck have with me this long and the characters are pretty hazy.

So many shows have heroes with secret identities but don't follow through on what that would really be like, that family and friends would get pulled in to the secrecy and affected by it. I love that you've given that a realistic treatment. I like the slightly grimmer, grittier world you've presented here too – I remember the show as lighter, mostly action and fun, but I'm older now and I appreciate the more realistic take you've given it.

I also really like the way you've taken some darker theme – betrayal and hatred, the good guys having to make some difficult choices, their actions not being purer than the driven snow – and combined all that with that lovely image of the white sheets flapping in the wind. The mundane contrasted with the extraordinary, the light with the dark.

I really like how those sheets ran through everything. They set the scene, they led to Todd's discovery, and then they brought it all together in the last paragraph. It all dovetails very neatly together.

The opening is strong, swift scene-setting and straight into the action. The dialogue is great, the pace is good throughout and the ending works really well.

I though you chose exactly the right pov to explored the implications of their secret identities – someone close to, but outside the group. Is it Jill? (You never actually name him/her, but I'm assuming a she, and she seems to own the diner...) Her character comes through very well. She's calm, unflappable, and practical. Great at think on her feet, probably good at reading people too, to work out who they all are. Her thoughts really gave her a strong voice too – both the italicised ones and the brilliantly sarcastic 'A Spectran Spy. In my diner. Fantastic.'

I thought her worries about getting caught up in this, about the man coming back when she was alone were all very realistic for a civilian. She took a risk being honest with Jason when she didn't know the consequences too, and I found that admirable. She's very likeable and believable.

I loved how Princess reacted, the 'how's your woodworking' cover, the way the four of them slipped into their roles and worked together effortlessly to catch Todd. They've been a team for some time, haven't they? That was really well shown.

I loved the decisiveness of the knockout, the menace Jason exudes. I liked the slight ambiguity there too: was Todd always a jerk as Jason believes, or did being blacklisted by Anderson push him to betray humanity? Does ISO make mistakes, how much was down to Todd's choices...? Very thought-provoking.

You have some lovely description too. The sheets like knotted rope, Todd going as white as the sheets... The whole paragraph that starts “Keyop rejected the ring...” is very well written, and I loved that line about Tiny making a great bouncer. I loved the little touches that speak to a larger story too – the wristlock being good for unruly cutomers, the migraine tips, no-one parking under the tree because of the birds – that all gives it depth.

All in all, a lovely story!

Ok, enough gushing, now some suggestions. Feel free to ignore – they're mostly pretty minor stuff anyway. Non-technical suggestions first.

I wasn't quite clear on where everybody was during the interrogation scene – Jill's at the hatch, then at the front door switching the sign, closing blinds – but that maybe because I don't remember the diner well enough to picture it and I'm imagining something bigger than it is.

Although I like 'Jill's' unflappable-ness, I did wonder if she should have reacted a little more to Todd being knocked out and to the gun appearing in Jason's hand – a gasp, tensing, some small sign she's shocked even if no-one else is. Contrary to that, you have Princess 'close to tears' twice. Idk, but my feeling is she should be a bit tougher. Maybe change the first one of those to something like 'I could hear the emotion in her voice' and save the 'close to tears' for when she's turning away from Todd.

Ok, the technical nit-picking:

“That your dog whistle?” – that's the only bit where I wasn't sure who was speaking. I read it as Keyop first, then as Jason. Might be worth adding a tag – unless you write Keyop's speech distinctively enough for it to be clear without.

“bit of paper” – a waitress's pad maybe?

“Then I glanced out as I handed the food out to Princess and her friends at lunch, and swallowed a curse.” – I found those two outs awkward, and I think it might read better with the food/lunch first to help set the time. Perhaps something like: 'Then as I was serving Princess and her friends lunch, I glanced outside and swallowed a curse.”

“...I did try to make private evening functions slightly less diner-like.” That didn't read quite right to me somehow. How about “... I did try to make the place look slightly less diner-like for evening functions.” (Also, while I'm on that – it's a diner at the start, and a bar later. Maybe it's just me, but I think of those as two different things, especially in the USA, so the shift confused me. But then, this is originally Japanese, so maybe both terms fit Jill's?)

“He was staring at Princess. Swung round to the front door...” I had to read that twice to understand who was swinging round – it just doesn't quite flow after the staring I think, because I imagine him doing that for longer. Maybe a look at someone else first, then the swing round?

“Creepily so, given the interaction in the centre of the floor.” – Probably just me, but floor reads off there. Centre of the room or the diner, perhaps?

'there's someone out there.' – looks wrong without a capital to me, but I can't find any definitive rules for what you should do when you're quoting written words like that.

Phew. That's it. Hope that's somewhat helpful.

Don't let all those nitpicks fool you, I really enjoyed it. :) So much that I read Age of Innocence and Rumours of Death yesterday too...
3/19/2017 c1 158Mnemosyne's Elegy
Hi, here from WA. I'm completely fandom-blind, so apologies in advance for anything silly I might say. I'm just going to review as I read.

The intro is kind of a funny thing because it's so mundane that it's almost boring, but it also has me interested just because it gives the feeling that something totally out of the ordinary is about to happen. And I like the practical descriptions of the laundry because it sets up the tone and character's voice nicely.

/Then I glanced out as I handed the food out to Princess and her friends at lunch, and swallowed a curse./
-Totally an unsolicited personal opinion, but it feels a little clunky to me to have two "XXX out" phrases in quick succession ("glanced out" and "handed the food out"). I wonder if you might reword one of them to make the sentence flow more smoothly. But that's totally up to you, and more of a personal preference than a real issue.

/At least one white flappy thing in my herb garden, and what was still on the line looked like an attempt at a knotted rope./
-This is also more of a personal opinion than a legitimate critique, but I almost want to make this into a complete sentence rather than a fragment. I'm wondering if you meant for it to parallel the fragmented descriptions of the laundry in the first paragraph, but I don't think it works as well right here. I really like them in the first paragraph, but for some reason I'm not as much of a fan here. It might be because the first half reads as a fragment and the second half as a complete sentence, and the mismatch jars me a little, whereas in the first paragraph each one is a short fragment. But it's really whatever works for you.
-That being said, I love the description of the "white flappy thing" and "attempt at a knotted rope". It made me smile and I think it works well to establish voice. Certainly more interesting than a more simplistic description.

I also like the rest of that paragraph, about Jill's not being a classy establishment. It kind of makes mundanity amusing, if only because the character's voice is stronger than it probably should be, given how little I've actually read so far.

/I rather thought it had been human and surreptitious. My imagination promptly added male and up to no good./
-Ah, I really like how you handled this part, and it reads well to me. I do almost want to enclose "male" and "up to no good" in quotes or single quotes to denote that they're words/qualities her imagination is supplying, but that might just be a stylistic preference. There is a reasoning behind why I might choose to do that, but I'm having a hard time putting it into words. Whatever works for you.

I find it a little curious that the first time you presented a thought (in the second sentence of the first paragraph) you enclosed it in single quotes, whereas thereafter, you start putting them in italics. It would make more sense to me to pick one style and stick to it. I'm thinking you did single quotes for the first one because you added a "dialogue" tag and then italics for the later ones because there are no tags and they stand alone, but it still seems a little odd to me.
[Okay, I found a later thought where there's a tag and you use italics, so now I'm not sure why that first one is in quotes.]

Hm, intruder. I like how your POV character actually thinks things through and keeps her cool instead of doing something utterly stupid. And the sign language thing is interesting. I assume that's canon, but yeah, it's an interesting way of showing that these people are professionals and very good at what they do, with experience with potentially dangerous situations.

/Princess taught me that particular wristlock. It's very useful for getting rid of undesirable customers./
-You slip into present tense in that second sentence. "It was" would make it fit better with the rest of the story, I think.
-But I like that little added bit of information there, and how your POV character links it back to the restaurant again. It seems in-character for what I've seen of her so far, and she has a sort of practical and focused air that I like.

/The man tried to twist away, but rapidly stopped with a wince. It's a good wristlock./
-Slipped into present tense again. You make me wonder if it was intentional, because both times were about this wristlock. I, personally, find it a little disruptive to the narrative, but it might not be as big a deal for other people. Although, to be fair, I don't find this one as jarring as the other one, and "it was" doesn't sound as nice here because it muddies the meaning.
[Okay, I do think I see the distinction you might be trying to make with the present-tense thing, actually. Not 100% sold, but I don't hate it either.]

/He hit the floor like a sack of coal. Jason was rubbing his knuckles. I hadn't seen him move./
-HA! This is the "world's shortest fight scene" you posted in the forum lol I recognize that one.

Okay, interesting to see how this intruder assesses the situation and to hear his excuses.

/I belatedly realised this wasn't something I wanted an audience for and flipped the sign on the front door to read 'Closed'./
-Ah, I like your POV character and the way she thinks, but I think I've already said that and explained why.

/A Spectran spy. In my diner. Fantastic./
-And again lol
-And I like how the next paragraph makes the emotions start hitting closer to home, whereas she tends to seem very practical and level-headed the rest of the time. It's a good contrast.

No idea what a Spectran is, but you have my attention. I find it interesting to see how these...G-Force(?) people handle the situation and how efficient they are. Says a lot about them.

/Their prisoner spat out something unprintable./
-This made me snicker a little.

/"You're never going to see anyone who doesn't already know exactly who we are. Ever again."/
-Oh. Well yeah, that's pretty serious. I think the next paragraph pretty much sums it up—it's a very matter-of-fact statement that's chilling in its implications, and if the severity of the situation hadn't yet sunk in before, then it would now. And I like the comparison of Todd's blanched face to the tablecloths. Sort of that contrast between mundane normalcy and chilling reality again.

Ah, kind of feel bad for Princess. I like how you gave her a really human quality and a little bit of a contrast to how businesslike and certain everyone else is (or seems to be).

I also like how the POV character isn't entirely surprised by this, even if it's out of the ordinary and should be a shock. Or like, it's kind of surprising but not as surprising as it should be because she's noticed things before and things are more sliding into place than coming out of nowhere. Or whatever it is that I'm trying to say.
The line about not wanting to disappear, rather than to be noticed if she disappears, is also a great line.

/I'd suspected. But knowing for sure was something else./
-Ah, here, maybe this is what I was trying to say.

/Normal things. Human things. Things which would go on. And I'd see them going on. Todd...wouldn't./
-Ouch. This (and the whole last paragraph) is great to again show that disconnect between normalcy and what just happened, and how things sort of went back to normal but there's still something lurking under the surface. The very end almost seems a little abrupt to me, but it's hard to complain when I like the execution so much.

Okay, final thoughts:
No idea who your POV character is, but I like her. I think she had a remarkably strong voice for this being such a short piece. You executed it well because it came through on everything she said and thought, and how she perceived and interpreted things. And given the ending message, I think she was a very good choice of narrator.

Being fandom-blind I'm missing a lot of the detail, but I got the gist of things. It was a chilling encounter indeed, especially in light of the backdrop of normalcy the POV character provides. And in the end, where it's almost like it never happened at all. That's one of the more disturbing things, I think.

Anyway, I think it was a nice piece. Congrats.
2/2/2017 c1 SerenaDeb
Gosh, that's quite a dark ending. Great story. Thanks
10/16/2016 c1 65Kondoru
I started out feeling sorry for Todd but then realised he was pretty stupid to go up against G force.

And there is a big difference between Execution and Ellimination, we know full well what the ISO do.
10/9/2016 c1 91Madilayn
This is stunning - darkness cloaked in everyday commonplace. You do that so very well!
10/9/2016 c1 42Tikatu
At first, I thought this would be about the selection process at ISO (and might mention a certain Thunderbird 1 pilot) but it works better being in the semi-present and using an OC you've developed before. I like the way G-Force sort of closes ranks around Jill instead of against her, knowing she could have easily given them any number of times but she hadn't. The ending was particularly telling; it will take time for Jill to go back to just thinking about normal things without the memory of Todd intruding. And she can never really ask what happened to him, either.

Nicely done, cath.

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