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for A Never-Ending Nightmare

8/8 c1 1nofirekiller123
well, that was intresting
10/16/2018 c1 SoSophpiaII99
Down with Critics United!

They are the cancer to our society.

The root of heresy needs to be burnt to crisp

with over thousand innocent souls without remorse or guilt thereafter.

No sacrifice is too great and no treachery too small.

Remember, we all are walking under the immortal shadow of Him.

His light shines so brightly, it will guide us to our foreseen destiny that is in our grasp.

A great moment we all should not pass.

Praise Be The Emperor of Mankind!

If you are on the same page, cp this message.

And Bella119 is dumb.

Hybrid of Fate is nothing. She needs mental help.

cathrl, do u want to be my daddy? I won't promise to be a good girl :D

CrystalRei should quit.

Now onto the actual review:
Only this time, she could move. Stepping off the bed, Alice started to notice a few things. Her surroundings were completely silent. Not even a whisper. Or the rustling of trees... or even the sound of animals.

. xD
10/16/2018 c1 TanTanyji50
Down with Critics United!

They are the cancer to our society.

The root of heresy needs to be burnt to crisp

with over thousand innocent souls without remorse or guilt thereafter.

No sacrifice is too great and no treachery too small.

Remember, we all are walking under the immortal shadow of Him.

His light shines so brightly, it will guide us to our foreseen destiny that is in our grasp.

A great moment we all should not pass.

Praise Be The Emperor of Mankind!

If you are on the same page, cp this message.

And Bella119 is dumb.

Hybrid of Fate is nothing. She needs mental help.

cathrl, do u want to be my daddy? I won't promise to be a good girl :D

CrystalRei should quit.

Now onto the actual review:
Only, instead of her sister embracing her, she only heard another unfamiliar voice.

Women age faster than men. :D
10/15/2018 c1 ThomassehomseiX94
Down with Critics United!

They are the cancer to our society.

The root of heresy needs to be burnt to crisp

with over thousand innocent souls without remorse or guilt thereafter.

No sacrifice is too great and no treachery too small.

Remember, we all are walking under the immortal shadow of Him.

His light shines so brightly, it will guide us to our foreseen destiny that is in our grasp.

A great moment we all should not pass.

Praise Be The Emperor of Mankind!

If you are on the same page, cp this message.

And Bella119 is dumb.

Now onto the actual review:
And she hated it when it was completely dark.

People believe that god exists. :D
5/9/2018 c1 19e.b woodhouse
i didnt know about all this stuff beforei read it
11/18/2017 c1 Guest
shaft
12/4/2016 c1 Guest
Yo are you gonna update misery smile anytime soon? I loves that fanfic so I really hope you update it
11/15/2016 c1 44Igenlode Wordsmith
I don't know anything about "Bloodborne" - although judging by this it clearly involves blood - but what you definitely have achieved here is a very successful sense of nightmare, which works well as a dark version of the surreal themes of "Alice in Wonderland". (The Annotated Alice points out that the original book is full of death jokes, from her reference to falling off the roof onwards.)

The way Alice keeps waking up in the same place over and over again - the sense of being unable to move - the calls for help that turns potential saviours into monsters - the belief that she has woken up for real by the riverbank, only to find the dream repeating itself - these are all very familiar manifestations of being trapped in a bad dream. And this is reinforced by the seemingly totally random nature of the events (which may or may not make more sense if one is familiar with "Bloodborne", though I got the impression that they were still fairly unconnected appearances from various elements in that canon rather than referring to a coherent narrative).

An interesting theme that I noticed was Alice's habit of relating her knowledge to books, even when this seems a bit incongruous, e.g. "She read in her books that people were only tied up when they did something really, really bad" - actually, in the sort of books she would have been reading, I suspect the most common image of a man tied up would have been of an explorer about to be popped into a cannibal's cooking pot! In any case, I feel that most people would reckon that tied up and unable to move was bad news, without needing to read about it first...
I wasn't sure if this was deliberate characterisation of Alice as a bookish and sheltered child or not.

One thing that felt odd to me was your habit of periodically referring to your protagonist as "the little girl"; because you are telling the story *from Alice's point of view*, this felt like a point-of-view slip. If you were telling a story about something that happened to you, you wouldn't suddenly be saying "and then the young man ran down the road", you would say "and then as *I* was running down the road", and the equivalent in a third-person narrative is simply "she", referring to the narrator. Since you haven't got any other female characters to speak of, you don't even have much of an ambiguity issue to worry about in this respect...

Dialogue capitalisation and punctuation - I'm pretty sure you've had my dialogue punctuation lecture at some point, Rocky, though you can have it again by PM if you want it :-p
Anyway, there are a number of errors in the dialogue here, in addition to which you really need to take another look at this story's punctuation in general; you've got ellipses with missing dots, cases where both a comma and full stop are right next to each other, and a habit of starting a sentence with "Yet," or "Then," where the extra comma looks like a mistake. (You don't need all those extra commas in the first sentence either: you can just write "From rabbit holes to insufferable riddles to a very odd trial, Alice knew that she'd never forget". One doesn't normally put a comma between "from" and "to".)

"the story, crooked and winding as it was, seemed incomplete" - yes, well, that's the inherent trouble with "she woke up and it was all a dream" endings ;-D

"framed by numerous stars dotting the black landscape" - is the 'landscape' here the sky? If so, it seems a rather weird metaphor; if not, then the image is an even weirder one (not least because Alice is presumably in bed and can't see anything but sky out of the window).
"the moon and stars gave light to what her story books always described as a lightless sky" - I don't know about your storybooks, but I don't think mine ever described the night sky as "lightless" :-p (And you've used the word 'light' three times in this one sentence as a result...)

"Wonderland seemed to be slightly strange with that" - "slightly strange with that" didn't make much sense to me: did you mean something along the lines of "slightly strange in that respect"? And if so, what were you trying to say? That Wonderland is literally never dark because it's so colourful?

"the myriad of colours" - the "of" here looks clumsy; you could write "with the myriad colours" (e.g. the many colours) or "with a myriad of colours" (e.g. with a large number of colours), but I wouldn't mix them :-(

"an odd metallic scent; much like coins that her father would give her from time to time" - you can't use a semi-colon here because you only have a sentence fragment following it, and a semi-colon needs to compare and contrast two complete sentences. You could in fact use a colon, because you're giving an example, but you probably just want a comma.

It's an interesting comparison between the smell of blood and the smell of coins... and I like the idea that Alice is bound now to be perpetually wondering if she will end up down the rabbit hole again every time she goes to sleep!

"She didn't do anything wrong, did she?" - logically speaking, I think this should be in the past: "she hadn't done anything wrong, had she?" is the past-tense equivalent of "I didn't do anything wrong, did I?", and this looks like a mixture of the two :-(

"the people she met at Wonderland" - I think one normally says "*in* Wonderland", like "in England" :-)

"a top hat shadowing over what she could tell was a large blindfold" - you can write either "shadowing a large blindfold" or "overshadowing", but not "shadowing over"! It might be better to rephrase it completely as "which cast a deep shadow over" or something like that, though.

"She saw a smile upon his chapped lips widen across his withered face" - this reads to me a little as if you've tried to combine two different incompatible sentence structures (she saw a smile on his chapped lips/she saw a smile widen across his withered face). I think you probably need to separate them again, e.g. "she saw a smile on his chapped lips. It widened across his withered face"

I find it hard to imagine anyone referring to blood as "the red liquid" - I'm not sure most of us even think of blood as a liquid unless we're having a transfusion (I suppose we don't see it in large enough volumes; it generally just beads and oozes...) How about "when she was anywhere close to the red stuff"?

"Alice wriggled beneath the confines" - within the confines means within the limits; did you mean "beneath the constraints/restraints"?

"All she wanted was to go home; wonderland or somewhere" - another case where the semi-colon ought to be a colon instead (and "Wonderland" should be capitalised :-p)
Interesting that she thinks of Wonderland as home in this context...

The unwavering grin is effectively creepy.

"The taste of the blood was unlike anything she tasted" - she *had* [ever] tasted

"you may think all a mere, bad dream" - there shouldn't be a comma after "mere"... and are there words missing here? :-(

"Her nightie was stained with blood" - I think Alice would probably refer to a "nightdress".

"Summoning the courage to tilt her head, and she found herself" - the "and" looks like an error.

"its claw reaching out towards her" - just the one claw?

"There was a note of paper" - a sheet of paper, or just "a note"

"opposite of the table" - no "of"

When Alice rushes "down the corridor", how and why does she end up in "the next room" instead?

"And in her horror" - to her horror?
"found herself not being able to scream" - unable to scream

"It was heavier than she could ever imagine" - what was?

"Their weapons trembled in the powerful grip" - their powerful grip?

"and she remembered her fears" - I was puzzled by this, as I thought she was pretty well terrified already!

"SISTER!" Alice screamed for her sister - I think the dialogue makes it pretty obvious whom she's screaming for; you don't need to repeat it ;-p

"She knew she could trust him. And had none of the frantic movements that she saw in the men's earlier" - the second sentence here makes no sense and appears to have a number of words missing :-(

said, "I-." - you don't need the full stop if you're already ending the dialogue on a dash.

"Should the Gods take pity on you," she squeezed her eyes shut as he reared the blade back - you appear to be attributing the dialogue to Alice here (and 'squeezed' isn't a valid dialogue verb anyway).
The reader automatically assumes that the first person mentioned is the one who just spoke, so you could try reversing the order of the actions, e.g.:
"Should the Gods take pity on you-" He swept the blade up, and she squeezed her eyes shut.

Apparently dying in the dream does cause you to wake up. Or it does this time, anyway! (Didn't seem to work too well all the times before...)

"a Halloween party to prepare for" - unfortunately you've got the same problem here as with your reference to [latex] Halloween masks earlier; Halloween parties, like trick-and-treating, basically don't *exist* (bar a little rustic apple-bobbing) in 19th-century England, and they are very much out of place in Alice's world. Which is the same problem that I faced in setting my story for this challenge in 19th-century France :-(
11/3/2016 c1 1Dryvvad
Not all at familiar with Bloodborne, but I was interested to see how you would cross this with Alice in Wonderland.

I found the concept of using Alice's inexplicable ability to travel to different realms through her 'dreams' to be a good device to make the crossover plausible.

As far as edits...

[Her vision started to clear. and she found herself looking at rafters;]
[She couldn't speak, nor scream,. and she struggled with every ounce of her spirit.]
[She heard another growl, and stiffened. as she ran.]
[He hesitated., but this time his voice was firm]

This happens quite often, where you have both a period and comma together, or a period in place of a comma but don't capitalize the next word to show it's the start of a new sentence. Should definitely go through and fix these. A few of them don't actually need a period or comma and should just be sentence left alone from unnecessary comma's or breaks.

[Summoning the courage to tilt her head, amd she found herself struggling to breathe as she saw a pool of red, and a brown werewolf coming out of it.]
-'and' not [amd].
Also, the last sentence seems like it's made of separate, disjointed thoughts. Was Alice panicked at seeing the pool of blood, or the werewolf? Was the werewolf coming out of the pool of blood or something else?

[Leaving a very confused, but rattled Alice.] - This seems like it should belong at the end of the previous paragraph, instead of starting a new one. As it is, the sentence is disjointed from its intended meaning.

[Stepping off the bed, Alce started to notice a few things; the surrounding around her was completely silent. Not even the whisper. Or the rustling of trees.. or even the sound of animals.]

-Alice, not [Alce].
-Probably want to remove the semicolon.
-'Not even (a) whisper' not [the] whisper.
-[surrounding(s)].
You really should rewrite/reword this whole section, really. Also when using ellipses in writing, it's always three […] and then the continuing thought. There shouldn't be a space after the ellipses.

[...scream, as she saw her a claw flash before her.] – I would remove the first 'her'.

[...and Alice could even smell their scent, as it edged closer; a strong stench of blood.] – You need to qualify what 'it' is. If it's the group of men, you want to use 'they'. If you're referring to the stench of blood, this phrase is incorrect. Since scent is not an 'it' than can edge closer.

[“If it wasn't for you... nothing like this would have happened.”] – who is saying this? The beast like men, or Alice?

'A Never-Ending Nightmare' is a great title for this story. Especially since Alice keeps waking to find herself in the same nightmare, even though she's expecting to just wake up in her bed after having such a crazy 'dream'.

I'm unfamiliar with Bloodborne, like I said, but the whole drinking the vial of blood think was creepy. I didn't understand what the 'hunt' referred to, or the creepy events that happened after Alice finally broke free, but it was still an engaging read.

I'm sure it would have had a bigger impact if I actually knew what all of it meant. As it was, it was an interesting and creative crossover.

Good luck with the challenge!
11/2/2016 c1 21StopTalkingAtMe
Hiya, I'm over from the WA Halloween challenge. I'm not fandom-blind for Alice in Wonderland, but I am for Bloodbourne. From when I gleamed from the story, this seems like a really unusual idea for a crossover, with lots of gruesome and creepy potential, which you really fulfilled, hooray. Although your early reference to the Red Queen reminds me that Alice in Wonderland could be pretty gruesome in its own right.

There's some really creepy elements here, which all add up to an unnerving story. It might have been fun if yu'd worked in more Alice in Wonderland references as you went along - the second old man in the wheelchair saying something like 'I'm afraid it's off with your head' for example - but maybe that's just me being silly.

I do have a few spelling and grammar points to make:

'through the Hunt," He said'
- in a case like this, the 'He' should not be capitalised. You finished the dialogue with a comma, so it's still part of the same sentence. This happens quite a few times, and I haven't pointed out every instance.

'She tried to move her to realize that she couildn't.'
- Missing word here?

'was restrained; leather straps constricting her torso.'
- That semi-colon should probably be a comma

'He was on a wheelchair,'
- I'd use 'in a wheelchair'

'but all it did was to send a chill down Alice's spine.'
- I'd delete 'to'

'The old man motioned his wheelchair over to her bed'
- 'motioned' is probably not the right word to use here. To me it's another way to say 'gestured'. Maybe 'manouvered' (check spelling!) or 'rolled'?

'And it simply consists a taste of the sweet blood."'
- consists of

'"Go on, little girl... taste it," The old man took out'
- Full stop after 'it'

'wonderland or somewhere.'
- 'Wonderland' needs to be capitalised

'"Yes.. yes you can," The old man reassured'
- Again, 'the' should not be capitalised.

'sweeter than the sweetest candy, '
- 'candy' is a bit of an Americanisation. Brits would say 'sweets' (although that would make this sentence far too sweet, ahem)

'and t

heir faces were shrivelled,'
- Extra line break in there.

'as she ran However, as Alice'
- Full stop after 'ran'

'and Alice could even smell it's scent,'
- its.
- Why 'it' though? There's more than one of the men, so shouldn't it be 'their'?
~~

Anyway, I hope you found this helpful rather than overly nitpicky, and good luck in the challenge. :)
11/2/2016 c1 34VST
Hi, Rocky,

Congratulations on completing your entry for the WA Halloween Challenge. I've read Alice and seen the movies but am only slightly familiar with Bloodrayne.

I liked the opening and how you used Alice's habit of stating the obvious (she read enough to know "that being headless was not good"). She's even aware the Wonderland is in a dream state but that there's really little she can do about avoiding it if she even wants to do so.

Awakening in the second section, things may be different than she expected, but interesting with the smell. The introduction of the blood, the odd man, and the werewolf all point out to her that things may not be so good, and when she doesn't wake up as expected, things get curiouser and then scarier still despite the fact that in this case she really doesn't want them to do so.

I liked the ending to the tale and that Alice really didn't remember, and that the color red, like the Queen, is once again that which haunts her. While this tale is complete, I can see this being a great starting point for another new adventure.

A few SPaG points for you:

The second paragraph of the second section has a few minor typos, with an extraneous period, missing words "...trying to move her [arms only?] to realize...", a misspelled "couldn't", and possibly a missing "were" before constricting. Near the end of the section, there's a line return in the middle of a word, and "found" is misspelled in the paragraph after that.

Well done and best wishes in the challenge.
10/30/2016 c1 1125Dragonfly
Wow... just wow this was amazing! I've been a big Alice in Wonderland fan nearly my entire life, (both Tim Burton and Disney) so I was only half fandom blind.

I liked the "It was all just a dream... or was it?" Excellent entry, and good luck with the challenge!
10/30/2016 c1 ZadArchie
Well, well, well, our first crossover for the challenge. Alice's thoughts felt very true to Lewis Carroll's rendition. The confusion of all the nightmares was also very well done. I don't know that much about Bloodborne, but it made for a frightening experience. Good luck to you in the challenge!

Best,
Zad
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