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for Do Me A Wrong: All Hallows' Sun

3/17 c1 mclovin2012
loved this lil slice of life moment. letting the kids be kids. would love to see a budding relationship between the two
2/26/2019 c1 1Lucifer's assasin
please continue the original one aswell
6/15/2018 c1 Kyuubi-dono
Ichigo is best dad. This was so nice.
9/12/2017 c1 mupeter
This was a cute little story, and it's nice to see that Ichigo is still good with kids, despite everything.
6/21/2017 c1 Zaraki Kempachi
Who dares to insult this best fan fiction in the universe will be shoot .̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿'̿'\̵͇̿̿\З ( ͜͞ʖ) Ε/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ .
5/7/2017 c1 5cg037
nice one-shot.
2/22/2017 c1 FreeJSJJ
Beautiful Omake
2/1/2017 c1 Aamer
It ended so abruptyly. I wan more.
1/31/2017 c1 River king
1/29/2017 c1 Robotdocter
this was amazingly adorable, i cant believe how cute this was (no offense)
11/25/2016 c1 35VST
Hi, ChaosEmperorNex,

Here from the WA Halloween Challenge. Congratulations on completing your Challenge story.

I'm completely fandom blind so I apologize for any misunderstandings or misinterpretations of your work.

Despite the seemingly mundane activity in which Yasaka was engaged, "A human would have had..." is the first clue to the fandom blind reader that all is not as it seems. I was glad that the truth was revealed soon thereafter so I could focus on the story rather than the meaning of that statement.

Although knowing nothing about the fandom, I found the story itself interesting and the relationship between Yasaka and Ichigo turned out to be quite sexy. The plan for the evening was rather unexpected and simpler than expected for beings in their positions but it seemed to be handled well. I was concentrating on the story and following the characters so I didn't note any significant issues in the writing or style.

Very nice job and best wishes with the contest.
11/8/2016 c1 1atchoum35
nice and sweet one shot, well done. thanks
11/7/2016 c1 45Igenlode Wordsmith
Hallo! Igenlode here from the Writers Anonymous challenge - I'm not sure how much useful critique I can give here as I'm very, very fandom-blind, not just to both sides of the crossover but to anime in general... and this looks like fluff, and that's not in my line either! But I'll try.

"her mood befouled" - presumably this is intended as an phrase back-formed from "in a foul mood", but since "befouled" usually implies "smeared with a revolting substance" I'm not sure it's entirely advisable here :-)

"Yasaka's golden gaze bored into his brown eyes" - this comes across as a point-of-view breach; Ichigo is the viewpoint character here, and he can't see the colour of his own eyes!
It also strikes me as a rather too-obvious information dump for the reader's benefit - eye colour isn't relevant to what is going on, so it feels odd to highlight it in this manner. When you talk about Yasaka's hair a few paragraphs later, on the other hand, you have Ichigo thinking what a unique colour it is, so it makes perfect sense to be describing it in detail...)

"So used to her ever shifting moods, his lips couldn't help but twitch" - this is what's known as a 'dangling participle', because the subject of the participle in the first phrase is missing; what you've literally written is that Ichigo's lips were used to his wife's moods, which is not what you meant.

I have to say that speaking as an outsider, I find my sympathies entirely with Yasaka at this point - she is a ruler, she's trying to deal with very important business, and her lover is deliberately trying to sabotage this for his own amusement ;-p

"against the bone of his collar" - is there some fandom-specific reason for not writing 'collarbone' here? It sounds as if he's wearing some kind of collar made out of trophy bones, which since he's a demon might actually be the case :-(

he gently spoke against the crown of her head as his chest shook with a silent chuckle, "What's gotten into you? - you can't use "speak" to introduce directly quoted dialogue (e.g. you can't write '"How are you?" he spoke' - it's obviously wrong). So you need to make the start of the dialogue into a separate sentence here.

"adjusted herself in his lap so that she was looking down at him" - I'm having trouble visualising this. She had her head against his chest earlier, her head tilts *up* to meet his eyes and she pulls him *down* to kiss him (and she is described later as being considerably shorter). So how does she manage to look down on him while sitting in his lap?

"the High Priestess of Amaterasu; Japans' Divine Matriarch" - this is a case when you actually need a colon rather than a semi-colon; a quick rule of thumb is that if you can replace the punctuation mark with the word "namely" then it is a colon that is wanted. A colon introduces an example or examples of something: a list of definitions.
(Also, you've got the apostrophe on the wrong side of "Japan" - "Japan's"

"would be indignant of" - indignant *at*

Agai, I find myself entirely sympathetic to Yasaka's desire to keep her daughter from becoming involved in an alien imported ritual that has nothing to do with the religion and customs embodied in her very person ;-p

Thoughts on your dialogue in general: I get the impression you're trying a little too hard to avoid writing "he said", "she said". Just about every single line of speech here is paired with an action of some kind, and I find the effect is to slow up the pacing and make the characters sound hyperactive - it makes the whole thing feel clumsier than necessary. The actual dialogue is good and clearly characterised, and I think you could trust it to stand alone without all the elaborate signalling (she rolled her eyes/she tilted her chin/she said swiftly while averting her eyes); since you've only got two characters in the scene you can afford not to attribute the lines at all for long sections of text, and I think it would make the style less 'fussy'.
And sometimes - as below - the lack of explicit 'said' can be actively misleading.

"Yasaka squirmed in his lap as her cheeks flooded with warmth" - why does she blush in response to his mention of Tiamat's old friends?
And this sentence is effectively acting as a dialogue tag; we instinctively assume that the character whose actions (squirming) have just been described is that one who speaks next. Since you've done the same thing followed by a similar sentiment ('Her face went flat crimson. "So stop acting so damn childish and let's get something to eat"') a couple of lines below, I was actually significantly confused about whether it was Yasaka or Ichigo who was arguing in favour of lunch here :-(

(It would help, I think, if you used alternating paragraphs for your two speakers, rather than having several separate paragraphs for separate utterances from the same person; in dialogue, the eye tends automatically to assume that a new paragraph means a new speaker.)

Sorry, but when she is busy telling him how important her work is to her country and how she is facing a potential uprising and he is all 'I don't care, I just want you to kiss me', my reaction is not to coo over the loving couple but to regard him indignantly as being very childish ;-p
And then he deliberately uses his demonic powers to make sure his love-bites hang around and she stays publicly marked as his possession - I'm not feeling very sympathetic towards Ichigo here!

"as she wraped herself" - wrapped
what she was looking forward too - forward to
the main hall of the of her palace - "of the" or "of her"?

I'm interested by the idea of the 'new Lucifer' (I'm assuming the death of Satan in canon) who is equally evil but more subtle - but I have to say that the idea of one with poor bladder control seems a rather cheap shot at humour in the context :-(
It's an abrupt descent that doesn't fit at all with the tone of what immediately precedes and follows it, and while it explains why this Lucifer is "unquestionably different" from his predecessor I did feel that could have been done in a more adult way. (It also left me confused as to why Grayfia and Ichigo were ducking their heads in unison, since that is presented as a *distraction* from thoughts about Sirzechs - I actually wondered the first time through if this was part of "Japanese culture and etiquette"!)

Millicas isn't speaking *Sindarin*, is he? ;-D

"human natives of her county" - country?

I take it he's dressed as Godzilla!
"Aunty Tiamat gave me the idea days ago" - ironically, the only Tiamat I know is the Dungeons & Dragons version, who actually *is* a giant dragon (as opposed to an Embodiment of Sexuality...)

"I think she meant 'epithet'" - *I* think she meant 'epitome' ;-p
("The epitome of" means "the most perfect representative example of"; 'epithet' just means "descriptive adjective", a classic example being Homer's "wine-dark sea")

Kunou is the one with cat-ears and a tail, and she thinks *Millicas* is weird? :-(

(Sorry - as I said, fluff isn't my thing, and I don't find these children adorable so much as annoying; if I came across children behaving like that in real life, I'd cringe!)

"will have simply catch up" - will have to
"Ichigo answered as snapped his fingers" - as he snapped

I like the line "He'll mind - we just don't care" ;-p (And very apt for a demon...)

"Grayfia sorted him out, as she always does" - always did (you can't mix tenses when your main narration is in the past tense here)

Those last two lines are a quotation, I take it? They're in a completely different style of speech from everything else...

I'm a bit confused as to how we get from Yasaka being "still upset from their abrupt romp on the couch" to promising to "pick up where we left off" only a few minutes later, though - does the sight of Kunou manhandling her juvenile admirer really reverse her mother's feelings that quickly?
11/7/2016 c1 1Ullin
This story (and by that I mean everything Do Me a Wrong related) fills me with such mixed emotions. On the one hand it is fantastic and never fails to improve the day. On the other it means your other fantastic story Oblivion is still shelved.
Well there can only be so much goodness in the world.
Thanks for another great read.
11/5/2016 c1 Biblio388
Like the subtle references to the main story as well as the interactions of each character. It is funny to think how connected the two realms will be if the children follow in their parents footsteps. Nice light but of fun and some adorable images from this one.
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