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for The Fifth Law

5/5/2018 c2 sonic
I liked the chapter!
11/24/2016 c1 8psychored1911
Before I go into any specifics, I must warn you in advance that I might get harsh with any constructive criticism I give. I do not do this out of any malice or ill intent; I only do this to ensure you improve.
Okay, before you think about writing long and massive chapters, just remember that length doesn't necessarily mean quality. While excessively short fics are an immediate turn-off to some readers, so are excessively long chapters. I've been on this site long enough to see fics with chapters with over 10,000 words long and very few reviews; this combination scares off readers quite a bit. Keep this in mind when writing: quantity does not necessarily equal quality. If word count is important, shoot for the 3500-6500 word range; it's a nice balance of effort and readability.
To begin with, the summary will be the first thing a potential reader sees. Now, while I was writing this review, my brother was wondering what I was reading, looked up this fic on his phone, and got turned off by the summary. It's very strange for a summary to ask for readers; if the summary doesn't seem confident about the fic, it appears that the author doesn't have confidence in it, which turns people away from it. Also, don't make it too abstract or else it just scares readers off further. The summary must be like a thesis; it tells the reader about the fic, and it hooks them in.
Now, what first strikes me when reading this fic is that first quote. If you're not adding a little intro before your fic, that's what gives readers their first impressions of the fic. I think I see where you're going with that; it's not bad, per se, but there's always room for improvement. Personally, if you're trying to make it sound ominous, I'd try separating the quotes from the descriptive text, center its alignment, space out the quotes with the enter button, and/or add italics to get the effect across.
Next, you mentioned the Fifth Magic, Aoko Aozaki, and the Second Magic; which are Nasuverse elements. However, this, by definition, is a High School DxD fic. In general, it is not a good idea to add elements of a different franchise to another. If it's a High School DxD fic, you only add elements of a High School DxD fic, and stick with it. Unless it's a crossover or AU fic, avoid using elements of other franchises if possible, because this, just confused my brother, big time.
On a grammatical note, I noticed you kept switching between past and present tenses. Stick with one tense otherwise it looks inconsistent, for first person fics, like this one now, I suggest using present tense, so it sounds like everything is happening right now.
Okay... well, there might be a lot of things I missed, but I think there's a character limit on the reviews and I think I'm getting really close to it. Okay, if all else fails, request a beta reader to help you out. They have a better critical eye than I do, and they'll be more than happy to help.
Alright, I think that's it. Good luck, and happy writing.

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