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12/22/2016 c1 58WolfWinks
This was really interesting. I liked how you used a lot of symbolism and I liked how Severus reacted to Lily turning to James. The way you wrote it made Lily sound very selfish and cruel, but you also made it so obvious that was how Severus was seeing her through his pain. It was a very clever piece. The beginning was definitely my favourite, and I think the jealousy actually showed through the most in the beginning scene. I think I would have liked to see more self-hatred at the end, because the end felt a little bit out of character for Severus, but that could just be my opinion. Well done :)
12/4/2016 c2 196JailyForever
So, I really like this what if scenario, and I would love to see more of it.
SPaG wise, the only thing that stood out to me was that Death Eater didn’t have capital letters. Aside from that, it was pretty good throughout.
I thought you did a lovely job showing the relationship between Regulus and Sirius.
If you ever want to write more, you’ll have me as a reader. :)
12/4/2016 c1 283cheersforidiots
That was an interesting character study on Snape, and I quite liked your style throughout the story. I think the hint of 'mystery' that came with you never once mentioning the characters' names was there, and the style of your writing complemented this idea. That is to say, it wasn't flawless in terms of SPaG, but the story was well-written and had great flow.
Another thing I'd advise is that you should think up a pattern for a line break, or use the built-in line break function of FFN's doc editor, because typed out line breaks can easily be distracting and can disrupt the flow. (Also, the story itself wasn't all that original, but I don't think that needs much more explanation)
Otherwise, I think Snape's feelings throughout the story were very much accurate, and although it didn't deviate from canon, I think you still managed to keep this story interesting. I think that his contradictory thoughts about Lily being at fault while still not being the one to blame is interesting, and you showed the devotion—or rather, the obsession—that Snape has and always had towards Lily very accurately. That, mixed with a hint of hope until it became all too late and before he became his bitter self that we all know all too well.
Overall, this story was a nice experience to read, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your stories :)
12/4/2016 c1 158Marvelgeek42
I most certainly did enjoy it.
I like how you (mostly?) used pronouns here, that certainly severed the story well. It took me a couple of seconds to figure out who this is about, but these few seconds were more than enough to pull me into the story.
You did a good job on this!
11/30/2016 c2 2Hogwarts Official
Results for your Charms #1 Assignment:
Graded by: Sophie (3cheersforidiots)
Grade: 19/20 - O (Outstanding)

Your characterisation was well done. I think, and this is mostly because the Sirius and Regulus you depicted were younger, Sirius' worry for Reg is very much in character for him, and Regulus is the happy-go-lucky kind of 11-years-old child that he's supposed to be (and that little comment about blood traitors on his part is awesome).

Originality was fine, although this isn't the first time I've come across a theme like this. It was a nice AU mini slice of life/flashback (even though it's not really a flashback), but that was all there is to it, I suppose. Either way, I think it was fine.

I'd like to say only one thing about the flow. You use a lot of simple sentences, especially in dialogues. It's not a terrible mistake per se, but if you think about it, it's actually dialogues that people usually ramble in with longer than necessary sentences, so shouldn't it be like that in a writing, too (since it's supposed to reflect realistic talks)? That, and using too many simple sentences can disrupt the smoothness of the story.

That aside, I think this was written pretty well, and the story was right there in front of our eyes, so no biggies for Flow.

As for SPaG, you didn't have enough mistakes for me to deduct points, but you had a few errors that I really don't want to overlook.

First of all, I hope you know the difference between 'your' and 'you're,' because you had those switched up at one point.

There also was an unnecessary comma in there, and a 'toward' instead of 'towards.' If you look out for these little psuedo-typos, everything will be A-okay.

Prompt was used well and centrally.
11/25/2016 c2 70The Dark Enchantress Ruhi
Love the brotherly love!
But the blood traitor part was a bit..., he didn't know about Remus? Because the purebloods stay away from werewolves. So... anyway, love it!
11/25/2016 c1 The Dark Enchantress Ruhi
Love it!
Yeah you are right. The jealousy part was a bit unclear. It was kind of like he first nlsmed her for being chilsish and then despised him(that is forever) and blamed him and then decided that it was all her fault, but whatever, this is great!

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