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10/17/2018 c2 2k+Hawki
-“...in the city.” Ghost said in surprise.

Same punctuation issue as the previous chapter.

-The dialogue has the same feel as the last chapter.

-Moving onto the Hive, again, there’s a very ‘gamey’ feel to it. As in, we have a Guardian attacking dozens of Hive, and choosing a weapon to do it with, and...that’s it. Similarly, with our Hive ‘boss’ turning up, and chewing the scenery while doing so...yeah.

-With Savathun, the dialogue does improve from previous sections, in that there’s more of a flow to it.

-Anyway, chapter’s a bit better than the previous one. While the action drags out, the ending sequence does demonstrate more ‘flowy’ writing, so, good job there.
10/17/2018 c1 Hawki
-In the first section, you write “The Darkness,” then “the darkness.” I’d think it should be capitalized, but whatever you choose, it should at least be consistent.

-“...filled with Guardians, seasoned and new alike. Guardians were the only one...”

Reads clunkily, as you use the term “Guardians” twice in adjacent sentences.

-“Civilian on important business ran...”

Should be “civilians.” Also, you said in the prior sentence that “Guardians were the only ones who occupied the tower,” yet specify the presence of civilians in the very next sentence. Now, I can infer that you mean Guardians reside there, while the civilians are just passing through, but it’s a noticeable potential gaff nonetheless.

-Also iffy that we effectively have a single paragraph taking place in the present, then it goes straight to a flashback. That’s an...interesting, choice of writing.

-“Yes.” He said.

Should be “Yes,” he said. This same type of punctuation error is repeated more than once.

-“OH, and let’s not forget...”

Don’t think the “h” should be capitalized.

Might as well specify while I’m here that you do a decent job of capturing Cayde’s voice.

-“I’ll be out for 10 years.”

Rule of thumb, when numbers are being spoken, if they’re three digits or less, it’s standard form to use words rather than digits. So in this case, it should be “ten.”

-Apart from that, there’s not much to say.

The writing is...functional, I guess, but very dry and simplistic. For instance, look in the dialogue just above “One hour later.” Each sentence consists of just a few words, and always ends with “X said” or “Y greeted,” or something to that effect. It doesn’t give much of a sense of flow, because it has a stop-start feeling. Also, I can’t say I can connect with Enzo much. As in, the work describes his history, but I have little sense of him as a character.

There’s also a ‘gamey’ feel to it at times, such as the use of “Guardian types” for instance.

So, it’s...okay. But there’s a proverbial wall between my reading of it, and the potential of emotional investment.
4/6/2017 c1 2Royal Instinctz
Great story, update soon plz

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