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4/4/2017 c10 1Gentle Alouette
lt seems like you put a lot of research into describing all of the little details concerning what goes on in a breeding center. I like that you talk about the ditto and gave some insight about the sealeo and how it didn't automatically mate with the female, rather it contested for her. Seems all very Animal Planet. Very interesting!

Hmm.. there's definitely something weird about Mr Cinders...if that's even his real name! Haha
3/31/2017 c9 Gentle Alouette
I had a feeling trainers getting an eevee is generally cliché, but I don't really read OT stories, so it didn't bother me much. As long as it's canon, it should work out! Plus, eevee are just so cute!

Hmmm Mr. Cinders does give off a weird vibe, but... I can't quite tell what it is
3/31/2017 c8 Gentle Alouette
Anabel's father is, in a way, right about Pokémon trainers. Even in real life, I know a lot of people play just to win, obliterate gym leaders and the elite four, and catch only the strongest, shiniest Pokémon with the highest IVs. Other people, like me, play for fun. Yes I want strong Pokémon, and to become the champion, but I also work to "catch 'em all" and befriend my Pokémon, especially with the introduction of Pokémon amie. So, while yes Anabel's father was right about trainers being 'battle obsessed mankey,' he also is making a blanket statement. Some people generally want to have fun when on their journey.
3/31/2017 c7 Gentle Alouette
I like how Anabel can sense the feelings of the other people around her. I looked up Anabel, and I saw she was as a frontier brain. A psychic trainer too? I can see that you're foreshadowing her abilities, or at least introducing them gradually. I think you mentioned Sabrina in this story. Yeah, it's sort of reminiscent of her.
3/31/2017 c6 Gentle Alouette
Interesting that you chose to make the dad emotionally manipulative and abusive. That's something I hardly ever read about. But, yeah, in some way it's worse than physical abuse because at least with that you know it's the other person's fault. With emotion, you're led to believe everything was because of you. This generally happens to desperate and weaker willed individuals l'm not saying V's mom is that, but when your self-esteem is considerably low, it makes you an easier target to be preyed upon.

Good insight into V's character and her past. Very original concept you had there
3/31/2017 c5 Gentle Alouette
What an interesting way to have your two characters meet. I will admit that I struggle to set up how two characters, especially ones that are younger, became friends. It's difficult for me to describe and write out because it always ends up sounding contrived, and utterly unbelievable. You seemed to work it in seamlessly. V just followed her because she was curious. And, they're outsiders. Good matchup.

June is a bitch. Is that even appropriate? To call a ten-year old girl a bitch? Honestly I had the widest smile on my face when V set her straight.

I liked the inclusion of Alola, and how that is where V is from. It's cool to see other regions get incorporated and brought up in stories that take place before their supposed existence. Like, in your case, talking about Alola in Hoenn during the time of the R/S/E games.
3/31/2017 c4 Gentle Alouette
So Anabel's parents bought a house were some Pokémon died. I think I can see where the gengar may come into play. But I may be wrong. Let's just see.
3/30/2017 c3 Gentle Alouette
Interesting dynamic between Anabel and her parents. They are very whimsical, it was amusing to read.

Good writing, very descriptive. Keep it up! :)
3/30/2017 c2 Gentle Alouette
I like the fierce determination Ann has. She is really quite upset about it all, and is desperate to get her starter back.

For the most part, the development of the characters are coming across well. You've already managed to establish the two separate personalities and approaches of the two girls. Usually, at this point in some of the stories I've read, it's hard to distinguish between the centralized characters without looking at the dialogue tags. Good work.
3/30/2017 c1 Gentle Alouette
This fic looks very promising. It's an orignal trainer's tale, but it's also not. I've been watching all Pokémon episodes from the very beginning (currently on Advanced Battle) and am not familiar yet with Anabel. But when I get there, I'll be sure to look out for her.

Like I said, a very promising fanfic. Normally, trainer stories drive me away, as they are always the same thing, regurgitated over and over. However, it looks like you thoroughly know how to draw the reader in. Starting the story at the inciting incident rather than at say "I woke up and gee I'm getting a Pokémon today!" is very smart.

On a side note, I recognized your name from THG fandom. From what I remembered, your stories were well-written and thoughtful, so I clicked this story, knowing I could trust the author to come up with something great! In a way, Pokémon and THG fanfics start off in the same way, at least when involving OCs. However, like I said before, she diverged far away from that.

I think you captured the essence of an adolescent mind quite well. Sometimes OCs come off as older or younger than they're supposed to be. Authors tend to forget that the characters they've created are in fact young to middle-aged teens. This is mainly due to a) the author's disconnect from the age group or b) their inexperience. You really have me believing they're young teens! Good job!

I will admit some of the dialogue was a bit confusing to follow, and some of it didn't fit right. But, aside from that, it was a great read! Can't wait to see what you have in store. Keep it up!
3/15/2017 c4 17Negrek
So we get to see some of Anabel's friends this chapter. No sign of Valeria yet. I guess they weren't friends for a very long time before Anabel started her journey.

[ She pointed at the shiny seashell hair-stuffs shaped holding up her brick-red hair. ]

I think you accidentally an extra word or two there.

[ Mom hadn't done a Journey. Dad had hated his. Anabel was ready to go to secondary school right away. That's where people found what they loved to do. ]

Ahhh, there it is. It'll be interesting to see what makes Anabel change her mind on this, or if she still basically isn't really interested in journeying when she sets out, but feels like she needs to for some other reason...

[ "I bet it's haunted," Nico chimed [...] "That's how ghost pokémon are born." ]

Hmm, intriguing. I think Anabel mentioned earlier that she swears using "ghosts" because it's something her father does, because he hates them? Or at least doesn't trust them at all. (In turn I wonder if that has something to do with the journey he hated...) But if so, and assuming the kids are right that that's how ghost pokémon arise (or even if it's just common superstition), that would make the house a rather weird purchasing decision for his family. Like, in the real world it's easy enough to say, "Pffft, I don't really believe in ghosts anyway," but here of course ghosts are very much real and everybody knows it. It seems like it would be hard to have such a cavalier attitude under those circumstances.

Of course, one wonders whether we'll be hearing more about those experimental pokémon later, or if Anabel's "haunted" house ends up having to do with the haunting she experiences on her journey...

(Based on what comes later in the chapter, I guess there isn't any scientific sort of link between murders etc. and ghosts. I wonder whether people actually know where they come from, then.)

- I like the little descriptions of Anabel's psychic sensitivity picking things up, like the part where she can feel June coming. I'm not always sure what you intend to be psychic powers and what you mean just to describe the mood or Anabel's feelings, though (like that part about glass shards and mud).

I was a bit confused by the whole Jenny bit. Apparently Skye knows them somehow? Because her mom's the judge? It was surprising to me that she'd be able to ask them for a favor like this. And the Jennies send out the machamp to help with the clean-up, but how would they (or Skye) know that the place needs cleaning up? (Although they talk about certifying the place ghost-free, that didn't seem to actually get dealt with at any point.) And they totally took out that shed without asking whether it was something Anabel's family wanted torn down. Was it something Grandma arranged somehow? It was fun seeing how the humans interact with the pokémon, and a nice scene overall, it just seemed a bit out of nowhere to me.

Some nice worldbuilding this chapter, with lots of little hints about things that may come up here later. I like how you do pokémon in general, so I'm looking forward to seeing more of them in future chapters. All the flexing and the roughhousing with the machamp gave them some life and a real pokémon-y feel, and there was even a sense of individual personalities for them despite their brief appearances. Very nice.
3/14/2017 c3 Negrek
All right, flashing back, then. I can see why you wouldn't have wanted to begin with this as the first chapter of the story. It makes sense as a background for the character we've already been introduced to, but yeah, assuming the story overall is mostly about Anabel's journey, you wouldn't get a sense of where things were going just from this chapter.

[ ...and the mustard paint that peeled off the walls like a wound. ]

Like a wound? Makes me think of a scab, maybe, or pus since we're talking about yellow paint, but in that case I don't think the paint itself would be the wound.

[ That'll teach him to tease. ]

"That'd," actually. "That will" is the wrong tense.

[ But her stomach was still one heavy, sticky tangela. ]

Hah, that's a cute expression.

- It's nice to see you using the "bigger on the inside" tech you mentioned in the girls' bags for the garbage containers. A lot of time trainer-related technology like that doesn't get translated to the wider world.

This was a nice chapter! I thought you did a very nice job (again) capturing the little-kid feel of Anabel's ideas and priorities. The way she shifted from being optimistic about the new house and getting to be with her parents to realizing nothing had changed and even all the work she's doing won't get her the attention she wants from her parents. It's an interesting relationship you've set up here; usually when trainers have parent problems they're along the lines of overprotectiveness or outright abuse; here it's clear that Anabel's parents do love her, but they prioritize their jobs more than their relationship with her, and Anabel feels distant from them. You're clearly setting up the idea of Anabel journeying as a way to get her parents' attention or figure out her passion, like she's worrying about at the end of the chapter. Understandable, but she's setting herself up for a ton of disappointment, there...
3/4/2017 c5 Radio Free Death
So the girls finally meet in this chapter.

I have to say, I like Valeria a lot more in this chapter. The first two chapters were more about Anabel, and so far it's basically Anabel's story, so it's nice to sometimes see Valeria in a bigger role.

One criticism I have so far is that I was hoping the pokemon had more creative names than their species name. The only one with an actual name is the pidgeot.
3/4/2017 c4 Radio Free Death
[It was kind of unfair that nobody other than clones could become a police officer, or a pokemon nurse, but Miss Lecter had explained that Jennys and Joys were always honest, driven and loved their jobs, so it was a good deal for society.]

This sounds like they're programmed as opposed to cloned. How do they get a consistent personality down the board?

Other than that, man, are children cruel. You know how to write them, even at their worst, and yet you still make them sympathetic. June isn't pulling punches, but you can tell she's very hurt and is doing the same to Anabel.
2/25/2017 c2 Negrek
Okay, on to Chapter Two. Sorry for the delay in this review, as well as the last; I just graduated last week, so things should go a little faster now that that's over with.

Anyway, this picks up right where Chapter One left off. tbh I think you could combine the two of them without any problem... there doesn't seem to be any reason to make a break in the middle except to keep word count down. But I'm pretty comfortable with longer chapters, so that would just be my preference.

Anabel's recollection of Treecko and Torchic's fight the previous day was super cute. Again, you do a good job of getting a sense of the pokémon's personalities across without spending a lot of words on them, as well as a sense of Anabel's feelings about them. Only a few concrete details, but they're well-chosen.

[ Anabel tore on the first of the three straps holding the tent two feet off the ground, not caring about being careful. ]

A very minor nitpick, but to me it sounds more natural to say just "holding the tent off the ground"-the "two feet" here strikes me as oddly specific.

The part where the girls discuss potential options for getting new pokémon is interesting. It sounds a lot harder to work with pokémon here than what we usually see in the games/show/manga. Are there not really bug catcher types or younger people who've gone out to capture something local? Or perhaps that's why youngsters generally suck, their pokémon don't like them and won't do what they say. But if getting some kind of official starter is one of the few reliable ways to get a pokémon that will at least kind of listen to you, it sounds like there shouldn't be all that many people out training, generally, unless picking up a starter is super easy... Which, again, it sounds like it isn't, based on Anabel and V's conversation.

[ Slowly, the sun peaked through the horizon. ]

I think you mean "peeked;" the sun peaks when it's at its highest point, noontime. Normally you would say peeked "over" the horizon, rather than "through."

Overall, yeah, this chapter was pretty similar to the first. Again, I think one of the primary strengths is in how much information you manage to get across through little details and allusions. We've already learned a great deal about how training operates in this world, a sense of Ana and V's larger situation (i.e. they're not doing this with all blessing from their parents, but it's very important to them for different reasons), their relationship with their pokémon, ...it's quite a lot, but it doesn't feel like so much, because there's still plenty going on in the chapter, rather than just a bunch of info dumps. I also think you do a good job of making Ana and V feel reliably like kids, reacting to the situation the way kids would and with their priorities and fears. In particular I like how evident you make it that Anabel is used to succeeding, to being brilliant at things, and how much of an ego blow this is for her. Also, the relationship between Anabel and V is very strong. We haven't spent that much time with them, story-wise, but I think their friendship feels natural and obvious already. They relate to each other very well.

Anyway, looks like we're flashing back next chapter, like you mentioned. It'll be interesting to see how you handle that. Onwards!
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