for Heiress1/19/2017 c1 The Red Sun
The narration was well done, good interaction between characters, maybe Pyrrha reaction was a bit OoC, but then again, her world exploted in front of her eyes.
I would love to see the next chapter!
The narration was well done, good interaction between characters, maybe Pyrrha reaction was a bit OoC, but then again, her world exploted in front of her eyes.
I would love to see the next chapter!
1/18/2017 c1 
1Batpool
This was adorable and hilarious, I can't wait for what else you have in store for us!
1BatpoolThis was adorable and hilarious, I can't wait for what else you have in store for us!
1/17/2017 c1 Midgarosormr
You know, an AU of this where he declines Weiss' offer, saying that he wasn't "in to her" anymore due to a growing attraction to Pyrrha, would be hilarious.
Weiss be jelly, trying to eavesdrop on Jaune and Pyrrha as he awkwardly tries to ask her out, and somehow accidentally sends him through RWBY's wall via a speed glyph.
Because pseudo-tsun/yandere Weiss is hilarious.
You know, an AU of this where he declines Weiss' offer, saying that he wasn't "in to her" anymore due to a growing attraction to Pyrrha, would be hilarious.
Weiss be jelly, trying to eavesdrop on Jaune and Pyrrha as he awkwardly tries to ask her out, and somehow accidentally sends him through RWBY's wall via a speed glyph.
Because pseudo-tsun/yandere Weiss is hilarious.
1/17/2017 c1 6Gmann
Well, let me jump right in...like Weiss did into a geyser. (I'll stop now)
I first want to say that Weiss' view of Jaune had started to change at the dance. While this isn't a huge flaw or anything like that, it does seem more like her V1-mid V2 attitude rather than V3. This doesn't subtract from the chapter or overall ending, so it hardly matters.
Second I want to point out a bit of a missed opportunity. seeing that Jaune was the one who encouraged Neptune to talk and dance with Weiss, there could have been a bit of internal dialogue were Jaune thinks "I should have know" or "And I helped that bastard too." Something like that. Still, my favorite part was still the Weiss and Jaune interactions, which was clean and crisp. Though I do wish you'd have done more Weiss inner monologue. Personal preference possibly (alliteration on point) but this seems like a moment where Weiss' frame of mind changes quite a bit, would have liked it to last a bit longer.
The Pyrrha reaction was expected. While some may say the anger was out of character, the fact that the person she had devoted so much time into and cared for is about to date someone that didn't care for him just a few days ago would be frustrating to a genuinely rage inducing degree.
The last scene had a few instances where I would have italicized some things to portray thought since I believe it was still third person limited, but nothing that could be consider a problem edge wise. Overall, it was a enjoyable read, but I felt some parts were a bit rushed and could have been flushed out a little more. Also I forget if this will follow canon with the Cinder plot or not.
Well because of the Maiden part, it sure seems like it will be following the Cinder plot, but no way to tell at the moment for sure I guess. Though it would be rather hard to explore a romance in the short time of the doubles fight and Beacon's fall. Although, because Pyrrha becomes a Maiden quicker than in canon, it could give Beacon the edge and Cinder is defeated. Who knows, but I look forward to more.
- G. P.
6GmannWell, let me jump right in...like Weiss did into a geyser. (I'll stop now)
I first want to say that Weiss' view of Jaune had started to change at the dance. While this isn't a huge flaw or anything like that, it does seem more like her V1-mid V2 attitude rather than V3. This doesn't subtract from the chapter or overall ending, so it hardly matters.
Second I want to point out a bit of a missed opportunity. seeing that Jaune was the one who encouraged Neptune to talk and dance with Weiss, there could have been a bit of internal dialogue were Jaune thinks "I should have know" or "And I helped that bastard too." Something like that. Still, my favorite part was still the Weiss and Jaune interactions, which was clean and crisp. Though I do wish you'd have done more Weiss inner monologue. Personal preference possibly (alliteration on point) but this seems like a moment where Weiss' frame of mind changes quite a bit, would have liked it to last a bit longer.
The Pyrrha reaction was expected. While some may say the anger was out of character, the fact that the person she had devoted so much time into and cared for is about to date someone that didn't care for him just a few days ago would be frustrating to a genuinely rage inducing degree.
The last scene had a few instances where I would have italicized some things to portray thought since I believe it was still third person limited, but nothing that could be consider a problem edge wise. Overall, it was a enjoyable read, but I felt some parts were a bit rushed and could have been flushed out a little more. Also I forget if this will follow canon with the Cinder plot or not.
Well because of the Maiden part, it sure seems like it will be following the Cinder plot, but no way to tell at the moment for sure I guess. Though it would be rather hard to explore a romance in the short time of the doubles fight and Beacon's fall. Although, because Pyrrha becomes a Maiden quicker than in canon, it could give Beacon the edge and Cinder is defeated. Who knows, but I look forward to more.
- G. P.
1/17/2017 c1 1chronotimeguard
Oh yea, I see a potentially interesting story full of humor, drama, and shenanigans in the work. Also, one cannot forget the smell of romance in the air.
To note-If scenes flow through your fingers than it must mean that you know this series and characters so well that writing them just feels natural which is a really good thing mind you, so kudos to that.
1chronotimeguardOh yea, I see a potentially interesting story full of humor, drama, and shenanigans in the work. Also, one cannot forget the smell of romance in the air.
To note-If scenes flow through your fingers than it must mean that you know this series and characters so well that writing them just feels natural which is a really good thing mind you, so kudos to that.
1/17/2017 c1 Guest
While I do find it hilarious. And I do understand why you choose this time frame for what happened and how it can happen.
I just dont understand how you are going to progress with the story. Unless you are going off-canon time line (which I wouldn't mind)
Next is Pyrrha vs Penny. And then everything goes to shit.
I did enjoy the sotry. Hope you continue and good luck
While I do find it hilarious. And I do understand why you choose this time frame for what happened and how it can happen.
I just dont understand how you are going to progress with the story. Unless you are going off-canon time line (which I wouldn't mind)
Next is Pyrrha vs Penny. And then everything goes to shit.
I did enjoy the sotry. Hope you continue and good luck