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for Fate: Moonlight

1/29/2019 c2 Guest
There are a few things that bother me with this story.

For one, the emotions of the characters are in constant whiplash. You use ! way too much. The dialog and words conveyed are different to what is occuring. When shun speaks for the first time, I felt he was scolding the mc. Yet, the words following that show something different and that changes again the next time he replies. The childhood friend also does this, somehow saying one thing and conveying something incomprehensible. There was a hidden event aluded, I know. But, what the characters are talking about never sticks to any form of flow. The main character being bipolar is fine, but all of them? That just makes it hard to follow the thought pattern of the events occuring in story as its being told through third person. Why did the character reply with such incomprehensible words and with ! to a simple question of cooking?

Explain the goddamn setting first! I am angry at the author for not doing this. You dont have to reveal everything, but reveal relevant information, about the setting, the character, the city...goddamn the city. Is it hot, is it cold, is it by the sea, is it bustling, desolate. I dont know anything about the surroundings and the place except for the name of the city and the bridge. I dont even know the height and features of the main character. Gray hair and gray eyes dont give me enough to work with.

Also, the description given for this story could have been simpler to digest with "Holy grail war in Misaki" being mysterious comes off as vague when there is such a disconnect to what is being potrayed in the first chapter. Hope you arent discouraged from writing. But, the themes and characters you are trying to write about isnt helped by such vague and lackluster descriptions. Also, work on how you portray each of your characters, I dont understand their personalities at all, much less why they reacted in such unnatural ways without proper feedback from the narrator and mc.
1/10/2019 c17 1ZenoZen
please do not die :'(
2/20/2018 c14 wira
Love the tsukuhime character appearance on the story.
2/20/2018 c14 ZenoZen
hmmm the situation getting more complicated especially on saber and lancer master.
2/17/2018 c13 ZenoZen
i thought you discontinued this story, im glad you are not, dont be discouraged by lack of review it's just this fandom got obsessed into canon character, but there still people like me who love oc. hope to see you soon on next update.
4/27/2017 c1 YuukiAsuna-Chan
So, it's about some OC i care nothing about huh? Yeah, not interested. Good luck though.

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