8/30/2022 c1 Guest
Great story Keep it up

4/17/2017 c1 Elizathehedgefan
Omg I just started reading the new story of yours , and man The song that u mentioned AGHHH I love Halsey so freaking much and control is My favorite song also I can't wait for the next chapter of your other Story , keep up the great work and I hope laptop fixes soon !

4/3/2017 c1 3ooof
Now, you requested a detailed look and criticism.

The problem lies not in the technical components such as punctuation, grammar, spelling, though there are numerous errors easily corrected with a cheap spellchecker such as Grammarly. I recommend you run your text through a beta reader or spellchecker, one of the first things an author should do after finishing their draft of the chapter. To point out these slight blemishes would be overly pedantic though, and they don't run rampant in your story, so don't worry too much about that.

At first glance, it seems like a decent fiction. You've taken your time to actually input correct grammar and punctuation, so there's the feeling of polish and dedication. But as I read on, there is almost no sentence I didn't grumble or feel it could be corrected. Here is the problem with most novice authors; their description is too straightforward. Take, for instance, this section here:

"People of Station Square ran and screamed in agony for their lives, trying to find sanctuaries to be safe in as the evil doctor caused the city to
be more corrupted. Buildings collapsed, fire departments were putting out fires and policemen called for backup as they tried to hold off the
humongous robot. But at this point there was no use, the robot was bulletproof, even life proof. This was surprising for Eggman, he had really
outdone himself this time."

Now, the first sentence is a glaring example of overly direct description. You're telling the reader that they're running for their lives, that is all well and fine. But with your intentions, you're packing emotion into this text. Direct descriptions often treat the reader as idiots, and don't evoke any emotion. I'd use hints at these events instead of just telling the reader. I would rewrite that sentence as:

"Screaming, sprinting, stumbling, then scrambling. Ultimately, their own silence as red went to black in a medley of desperation and confusion. Watching, as whole buildings fell, consumed by the rumbling inferno from below. Forces deployed, forces fell, unable to complete their task in vain. And he, who sat from above loved it. He loved this. He loved the power, the immunity, the black fist he held over the city."

Now, with my own version of the description, I use several actions, depicting that of the residents'. I don't directly refer to the residents, though with all the destruction, it's easy to see who's doing what. Then, you see 'silence', a metaphor for their own death. Red is what they see, and black is the nothing when they lose consciousness. I don't say fire brigade, police, or army. I state them as forces, deployed but then are dispatched quickly. The shortness of the sentence emphasizes that. And 'he' refers to Eggman. What does he love? The collective destruction I've depicted above. The power, the immunity, the black fist all refer to his control and invincibility. Also, notice how I'm reluctant to use overly big words. In essays, this may be fine, but verbosity in literature only serves to dampen the effect you're trying to put on the reader. Poetic and laconic phrases are favored by many seasoned authors, and they have a much better impact than jargon. Keep that in mind when writing description. And, if you ever want a good example of literary description, I'll refer you to this fanfiction:

s/12360285/1/Fancy

They utilise many trite literary descriptions so flawlessly, in awe, I cannot express how much I love this fanfiction. You must read it.

Secondly, there is your characterisation and dialogue. From your attempts, I can tell you're trying to make this fiction is brooding and dark as possible. However, you don't seem to know how to execute this properly. From reading the dialogue, I tried not to wince at the countless cliches present in this chapter. The dialogue looks as if it had been ripped from a B-rated horror/crime film.

Take this sentence here.

"The world doesn't need scum like him. He deserves worse than this."

This sentence, while whole-hearted in its intentions, fails to convince me of Sonic's dark state. I've seen many variations of this sentence before, so many that it's driven me into ad nauseam. The creativity or originality in this sentence is almost non-existent. And how it presents itself makes Sonic look like a bratty teenager. Take Anakin Skywalker from the Star Wars prequels. His character is identical to what Sonic is at the moment. Dark, brooding, being driven to the dark side. And Amy seems like the parallel to Senator Amidala. I wouldn't be surprised if you drew inspiration from Star Wars. But being parallels, the writing in Star Wars: Episode II is abysmal. They try to make Anakin 'edgy' but ends up trying too hard and making a fool of himself. You present the same problems, so much that it's hard for me to take Sonic seriously.

If I were to rewrite the sentence, then I wou- Actually, no I wouldn't write anything. I'd have Sonic silent, pushing Amy away. Here:

"He doesn't respond, he is cold to her pleading. Almost as if he'd deaf to the world, the only things he wants to hear, no, only can hear, are the bitter bliss of the cracking of pain, the spurt of draining life. When Amy approaches him, a snarl, then she backs away."

You want to make Sonic seem deaf to anything that contradicts his sadistic, dark philosophy. He isn't challenged because he won't let himself be challenged.

Now admittedly, there are some decent lines. Particularly in the ending section, where Sonic battles with his inner demons. There is much to be improved upon, though it is decent, and certainly, does its task of humanizing Sonic in terms of character. Gives him a three-dimensional personality. But it is for nought if we don't see how the anger in Sonic has culminated. Well, you attempt to explain it, but in a poorly executed fashion.

Now, the plot. Assuming this is a Dark Sonic fiction, it is not original. You have the same deed of Sonic watching his friends being hurt, then he transforms under a fit of rage. We've seen many variations of this story before, so points of originality will not be given. But, this is only the starting chapter, so it'll get off to a slow start. As of now, I still haven't read the second chapter, and I plan to do so tomorrow. Maybe the plot will divert into a new direction. Giving it a fresh sensation.

Now, this is what you requested. This is what you got.

Hieu Huynh

3/30/2017 c1 MysterySecret
Please continue

3/16/2017 c1 10IT'S NO USE I'M OUTTA USE
Aaaaah! Continue this!