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for Onyx vs Heavy Weight

3/22/2017 c1 72cathrl
Here from your request for feedback at WA:

What you're missing here to me, is any sort of sense of how your character is feeling or even what she's thinking. has she fought anyone his size before, and how did that go? Is she scared? Cold? Sweaty? Confident? Tired? Struggling to catch her breath at any point? Struggling to keep her footing? Does anything he does to her hurt (he tears her hair out, it should hurt like hell!) You say he's formulating a plan, but why doesn't she? "I'll use my small size and manoeuvrability" is something you say in a RPG session. She needs to be thinking "I'll go to his left, looks like he's right-handed" and "I need to be careful not to signal what I'm going to do, he'll be slow to change direction" and "there's no point trying to knock him out, I need to use the knife". Stuff like that. You've written what the person watching this scene on TV would be thinking. I'd suggest you write what your OC would be thinking.

One specific example: how does she know her shoulder's dislocated? Has it happened before, and if so is she thinking "oh no not again"? Does she feel it coming out? Does it hurt (it should!) Is it a distraction (it should be)? Isn't she scared that he'll kill her while she can't respond?

And a second: does she actually have three hands? You have her with one hand on the first dagger in his back, the second cutting his throat with a second dagger, and the third holding a sword. If she drops the daggers and does a frantic emergency grab for the sword at her belt, worrying if she can get it in position to parry in time, then write that! You'd need to also rewrite the earlier bit where she uses the sword, though.

I hope that gives you some ideas - technically there's not much wrong with this and apart from the three hands thing it makes sense as how a fight would go (and I like that she takes one look and thinks that he's bigger and stronger than her, she has to not even try to overpower him). But it would be so much better if you got in the head of your OC and showed us what she's thinking and how she's feeling.
3/21/2017 c1 4Leasia
Very good descriptions of the fighting.
The excited spectators seem quiet. Like if she draws first blood on her opponent wouldn't that elicit a cheer from the crowd?

In the end are they silent that she won, were any bets placed? Seems like an event where money would change hands should the likely loser(Onyx) win.

I liked it. Hope it's not completely finished. Be interesting to see where you take the rest of the story should you decide to!

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