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for For Honor: Wolves in Sheep Clothing

5/19/2017 c2 whycantideletemyaccountbruhlol
Great writing! Please make another chapter! I would like to see an appearance of Okuma the Shugoki in a later chapter. Maybe you could have a storyline where the Warden is dead and Apollyon is alive? Anyway, I really like the way you portray Holden Cross in your story. Please keep making chapters!
4/16/2017 c2 2ManwithaPlan113
Oh my. Here comes the fun
3/30/2017 c1 22Luke Danger
Yeah, before Ayu assumes it's Cross she may want to see who shouted. It very well may be Cross seeing it and rushing in to give the Peacekeeper a taste versatility on a stick.

That said, if she was just attacked - poisoned at that - why would she just shuffle off to bed? Wouldn't it be wiser to get that tended, or you know... get out of dodge if she really thought Cross had double crossed her?

I feel like this was meant to be something more, but it's too short a cliffhanger. Ayu being ganked by a PK and realizing something was going wrong is a good hook, but it kinda just floats in the breeze with just one chapter, especially since the end seems like it rushed to get it in under 1k words. That's fine for a hook, but it doesn't stand on its own.

It was nice that you started it off by giving a perspective into Ayu's thoughts on the shaping of recent events, musing on the differences of Legions, so on, but at the end it just rushed together.

Also, you might want to consider developing the Warden, Raider, and Orochi into more than just titled. It works for the game because they want to leave players room to identify - here, you'll likely need to develop them more given their presence to the three characters.

I can see the idea, but I think you need to flesh it out more and fill in some gaps, as well as think through what you might consider. IE, if someone just tried to assassinate you would you just shuffle off to bed in the place chosen by the guy you think is behind it, or would you try to move on tired or not? Especially a powerful warrior like Ayu, who would be familiar with having to power through exhaustion even if she isn't up to full snuff.

And to quote my Technical Writing teacher - proofread. I spotted a number of errors, like "Grr... Legion Scum." She Growl ; that should be "Grrr, Legion scum!" she growled. Or having both Black stone and Blackstones. There's always one typo, but it'll help a lot if you can grab as many of them as you can before publishing.

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