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for In the Rainlight

1/24/2019 c1 45tmtcltb
I like the way that you play with perspective and who is doing the story-telling. It's very interesting seeing these familiar characters through the eyes of not just a stranger, but an alien who has no context in which to place what he is seeing. The writing was beautiful.
7/25/2017 c1 68TolkienScholar
Hey, Che! Here for the Reviewathon. I'm not quite fandom blind anymore; I've gotten to watch quite a bit of Voyager in the last couple months, and I'm really loving it. :)

Okay, so I don't ship Chakotay/Janeway at all, but nonetheless, I really love this fic. I enjoyed getting to see them through the eyes of some being that we know nothing about and who knows nothing about them and seeing how the two of them look to an outsider's eyes. The fact that this outsider is an artist makes it that much better, because Malli sees things that most people would miss. The artist's eyes pick up on the "infinitesimal measures" by which Janeway gives into Chakotay's affection and captures how beautiful this scene is made by the special light. The gradual shift from rigidity into passion is gentle and sweet. I love Chakotay's protectiveness, and how the rain provides the catalyst to this display of affection. And then when they beam back... that almost makes it cuter, because they didn't actually have to stay there in the rain at all if they didn't want to. I'm sure Chakotay didn't call to beam up because he knew this was a perfect opportunity to show Janeway how much he cares, but the fact that Janeway didn't do it immediately suggests that she didn't really want to lose this moment either, however much she may have resisted at first. And then you bring it full circle by showing us how the affection of these two lovers finally gives Malli a way to capture what we learned before we saw this scene that the artist had been trying but failing to capture. It's a perfect ending.

Now, beyond this point it becomes a very technical review, so please recognize before you read on that it's emphatically NOT because I didn't like the piece that I'm providing so much critique but because I enjoyed it and would love to see some of the flow and tense issues cleared up to make it even better. That said, on to the technical stuff. ;)

There were some parts in the first paragraph, especially the first sentence, that didn't seem to flow well, and I found them kind of jarring. The first was "distracts me from my concentration," which sounds a bit redundant. I'd have just said "breaks my concentration." The second was "only she could manage to get my attention yet not disrupt my rhythm"; it's not wrong, it just doesn't flow. I think "without disrupting my rhythm" would sound better. And the third issue was "with a single jab of her finger"; the way it's worded, it sounds she did disrupt. I think I would rewrite the whole sentence as "The sharp poke in my arm breaks my concentration, and I recognize Brizyi's touch without looking up from my work; only she could manage to get my attention without the jab of her finger disrupting my rhythm." The other thing that bothered me about that paragraph was the use of the word "abode." It's a word that's almost absurdly formal, and it just doesn't sound like a word someone would use in their private thoughts/narration. "Home," "house," or even "dwelling" would sound more natural.

Kudos to you for trying a present tense narration; it's always so difficult to get that right. Overall, you hold to it pretty well, but I did find some places where you slipped into a more past tense style, usually when you had to mess around with perfect or conditional tenses, or future tense:
- "in the places where it had thinned." - You need present perfect, not past: "has thinned."
- "But I could afford to be patient, however..." - For present conditional tense, use "can": "I can afford to be patient." Also, it's redundant to say "But" and "however" in the same sentence.
- "It was all about waiting..." - This should be "It is" or "It's."
- "And then, in the rainlight, I saw them." - You slipped into past tense: "...I see them."
- "aliens from the visiting ship traveling to some far-distant sector they called home had arrived two days before" - You're slipping into past and past perfect tense here: "aliens from the visiting ship traveling to some far-distant sector they call home arrived two days ago"
- "I could see them well enough" - Conditional tense: "I can see them well enough."
- "Both had toured the marketplace the previous morning" - "Both toured the marketplace yesterday morning"
- "Both had complimented my wares" - "Both complimented my wares"
- "that formality no longer seemed to be present" - "that formality no longer seems to be present"
- "as a shimmering blue beam enveloped them" - "as a shimmering blue beam envelops them"
- "Long after they had disappeared" - "Long after they have disappeared"
- "pondering what I had seen" - "pondering what I have seen"
- "Were they now engaging fully in the precious new bond they had found?" - "Are they now engaging fully in the precious new bond they have found?"
- "Would they allow their love to sustain" - "Will they allow their love to sustain"
- "I hoped so." - "I hope so."
- "tell Avani what I had witnessed" - "tell Avani what I have witnessed"
- "I would need only a single sheet" - "I will need only a single sheet"

Miscellaneous SPAG:
- "...but some scant visibility is provided due to the silvery light..." - I believe you meant "provided by," not "provided due to." As is, the word "provided" doesn't really make sense.

Aside from the technical issues, this is a great piece and will be getting a fave from me. Well done. :)
7/24/2017 c1 45sakurasencha
-reading fandom blind, but the POV you chose for this piece made it so that I wasn't hindered in understanding what was going on. I really liked that you picked an outsider's voice to describe the couple rather than just narrating the scene from third person. It gave the story a neat twist and more interest. I enjoyed getting to know a little bit about Malli and her world, and I especially liked how it came full circle at the end with her deciding on a new art project
-"Were they now engaging fully in the precious new bond they had found? Would they allow their love to sustain one another for the remainder of their journey to their far distant home? I hoped so." / this section is not written in present tense. "Were" should be "Are" and "Would" should be "will"
7/21/2017 c1 136rebecca-in-blue
Hi there, here from the review-a-thon and completely fandom blind. I really enjoyed the opening scene of this story - the winds, the rush to try to get out of the rain, the lovely cozy scene of the speaker sitting by the window watching the rainfall. There's such a nice strong atmosphere there.

A lot of the language here felt very wordy and heavy to read - a lot of long sentences and long words (in "Only a few times each decade..." for example), although perhaps this is meant to complement the fandom. I also never get a very clear impression of the speaker, since most of their narration is focused on the rain and the other characters, and without that, the story kinda feels lacking.
4/3/2017 c1 6Hazmatt
Wonderful story! I really enjoyed it!
4/2/2017 c1 56KJaneway115
What a lovely moment you've captured, and, you've allowed us to know so much about your narrator, just through the way she describes this scene and what it means to her.

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