Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for What If

7/18/2017 c2 16Child of Dreams
(sighs)
7/18/2017 c4 Child of Dreams
(bursts into tears)
7/18/2017 c3 Child of Dreams
(dancing with gleefully)
7/18/2017 c1 Child of Dreams
(sighs blissfully)
I absolutely adore it!
6/23/2017 c4 4Ange1ofD3m0ns
Hello, so this is a good story and I very much enjoyed it. It's an interesting take on the novel.
However I know this is going to sound nit-picky, but I hope with this creative criticism you will take it and your writing will get so much better. In the story around the dialogue, especially with the dialogue, you are either using too much punctuation or too little. Such as in this sentence that you wrote: ["I know Luce sniffed It's just...I just got you back she whispered tightening her arms around him as Daniel tightened his around her.] While this is good and it accomplishes the task of telling the audience what is happening, the sentence would great improve if you would add more punctuation, separate stuff a little more. One option of doing that could be this: ["I know," Luce sniffed. "It's just ... I just got you back," she whispered tightening her arms around him as his tightened around her.] While that isn't a perfect example of how the sentence could be fixed, I find it is much better.
You also, as I have stated previously, sometimes over use punctuation such as in this example from a sentence on chapter six of "What If- Outakes and Tie-Ins". [Daniel I'm sorry" she whispered I'm sorry I left when you told me not to but I was just beginning to feel so trapped" "I know you probably think this sound really whiny and selfish but I missed you and felt like I couldn't do anything..." Luce ranted frantically] (side note: sorry I couldn't get the italics in on the words trapped and anything.) While this is a good sentence there is way too much happening here for it to be clear. This sentence would be a better version for it. ["Daniel I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm sorry I left when you told me not to, but I was just beginning to feel so trapped. I know you probably think this sounds really whiny and selfish, but I missed you. I felt like I couldn't do anything," Luce ranted.] Again this is not a perfect solution, but this is much better. The one bad this about using quotes is that every time a new pair of quotation marks are introduced it usually indicates a new speaker if there is a new paragraph, if there is not a new paragraph, like in your sentence, it indicates a continuation of what was previously said. However with so many quotation marks and very little punctuation the dialogue feels incomplete and is very awkward to read.
I hope this helped you some with your writing. I think you have very good ideas, however you grammar and writing skills defiantly need some work. Now I won't lie, and say that this is my strong suit either. I've worked hard to comprehend the topic of grammar, and I am no where near perfect. Although I do hope that this long, long winded explanation helps you in the long run. I feel as though you could be an amazing writer if you implement these tips, if you will, and keep working on your skill.
I also recognize that you are the author, and you make the final decision as too what your story is like, and you deem whether or not your story is good or can be improved.
I hoped this helped some, and if not thank you for reading this and I hope you have a wonderful day :D.
5/15/2017 c2 Guest
This is so good!
5/14/2017 c1 Ciara
This was so good! Please please please do another chapter!

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service