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3/21 c5 ShadeStrider
The Writing on this was good.

But 0/10, needs way more water.
1/24 c4 20walkswithwheels
I like how you did the protagonist thoughts. Someone who has all this happened them isn't just going to get up and walk away unscathed. A lot of stories seem to forget that, so I'm glad you remembered.

There's a bit of confusing wording here, though. For example, in the beginning it says a ship was dead. A ship cannot die. So something that would make more sense would be "A ship had sunk, or "a ship was sunk. The people were dead."

Also, why is elevator in hyphens? If you'd like to emphasize something, use italics. If you'd like to say something appears to be something but is not you can use nonspeaking quotes (like this "").

I like how you showed the evening not responding to many things. It really shows the creepiness of shadow Pokémon, which again, most people seem to forget. They're fighting machines with their souls closed, so they're going to act unsettling at best… The fact that Eevee is not reacting to things normally really drives that home…

I like how you showed all the other Pokémon. Considering the player only reacts with the ones they choose in the game, it can be hard to remember that there's more than 20 choices there. Good for you for illustrating that. This also fleshes out the setting quite a bit.

I'm surprised you characterized Alola as easy-going. They might look that way, but remember that they also have one of the darkest stories in all of the Pokémon games… Depending on when this takes place, I don't think they would be as easy-going after that story has run its course…

The battle was rather cute, and enjoyed the interactions with Ren. Ren is supposed be one of the rivals of the player, from what I remember, but due to the way the game works, there's not double-sided interactions with them. So I'm glad expanded on that.

I also knows that you're using some tropes here (e.g. lighting bruiser). I do think that add a little flair, but you might consider explaining some of them. The main reason is that not every reader is going to know what the tropes are, so seen something like lighting bruiser without explanation can be confusing.

Also liked the electric gem scene. It adds a little bit of humor to a game that notably lacks it (at least, in most areas). It also helps characterize Prof. Jenner, and make what eventually happens to him even more meaningful…
1/24 c3 walkswithwheels
Interesting dynamic with the independent trainers, but it could use some expansion. For example, why would an independent trainer go straight to the state? Being independent means someone doesn't rely on anyone… But being a ward of the state means are dependent on them…

And why would she go to Morty if she were back home in Johto? Morty is never shown acting as a type of governor. I would think she wouldn't be his ward, but perhaps a ward of the Pokémon League itself (maybe the Elite Four).

Also, try to remember new paragraph, new idea.

Every time a character has a thought that does not relate to the previous one, that becomes a separate paragraph.

For example, there is the first sentence about independent trainers having nothing to return to, and then the government having a hold of them.

Then, the protagonist talks about what would've happened if she was back home in Johto. This is a completely separate idea and should be a separate paragraph.

The reason for that is because one is talking about what is going to happen to her based on what is happening now. The other talks about a hypothetical situation, in a completely different area from where she is now. Separating your paragraphs like this will also make them easier to read.

Also, consider not using the word "you" (e.g., "you could argue"…). The problem is that "you" implies the reader, and not everything applies to readers. If something doesn't apply, it weakens the writing. The only exceptions to this is when someone else's explicitly being referenced (e.g. a diary, a letter, or dialogue)

For example, there's the sentence "you could argue that Johto took care of its own…" Really, the reader can't argue that, because they've obviously never been to Johto, and it hasn't even been seen in-story. So the point the protagonist is making starts to fall apart, because there's nothing to back it up.

If you did something like, "she remembered Johto took care of its own…", then it makes more sense, because it would be logical for the protagonist to think those thoughts. Not to mention that it would be clear she is the one thinking about her homeland, instead of implying the readers are thinking about it. And then there's no more flaws in the argument she makes (Johto behaving a certain way).

Also, why is Eevee here? Pokémon Rejuvenation does have shadow Pokémon, but from my recollection, they don't come until much later. Plus, they are not the player’s starter (or rather, anywhere close to it). It's been a while since I played, so things could be different now, but that's worth clearing up. If things are different from a fan game or AU the story is based on, you may want to indicate that. Also, I do not believe Rejuvenation has a Shadow type. I know it has Shadow Pokémon, but it doesn't refer to them as a type… Again, I could be wrong…
1/24 c2 walkswithwheels
Okay, good start, but it could use a little refining.

The transitions are bit choppy, although it's clear where each part of the action starts.

Big example would be the main protagonist waking up in the captain’s room, then suddenly dodging tentacles. I understand everything it's supposed to happen very fast and sudden, but there's still plenty of ways to do a transition while still maintaining that feeling.

For example, a way you could do this is talking about the brief moment of thought she has before the tentacles attack. Is she scared? Are things slowly coming into view? Is she thinking of her mother and regretting her relationship with her? Is she thinking nothing at all, and finding that strange? Maybe she has a nightmare and wakes up? In this way, you could transition smoothly to the next scene, but at the same time no action is occurring so it doesn't slow things down.

Also, the action is good, but it could use a bit more description. For example, the tentacles. What do they look like? How do they move? Do their movements seem planned or random? Can she initially see other rooms they are going into? Do they remind the protagonist of anything? What is her reaction, other than the fear already seen? Anger? Fusion? Flashing back to something she read or heard about? Trying to find something familiar, but finding nothing at all?

There is a really good chance for description here, and it's a great way to bring the scenery alive.

I do like dialogue, and it seems realistic for what someone would do in that situation. However, it could use some transitions.

For example, there's the protagonist wishing for something and then hearing someone else speaking. But there's no indicator of who is speaking, and what their tone is. So this would be good thing to add. The way the dialogue is presented at so the chaos, which is good, but it needs some fleshing out because otherwise it's confusing.

I do like the introduction of the other character and the Jigglypuff. Jigglypuff is one of my favorite Pokémon, and the introduction makes sense. No one would expect a child to survive a catastrophe like what's happening, associate without Pokémon. So her having a powerful Pokémon ensures that she will. And of course, this being Pokémon rejuvenation, the protagonist has to survive this catastrophe to continue the story. So the Pokémon has things make sense.

I'm a bit confused on some other mechanics, however.

How is Talonflame drying the protagonist off and helping with a fever? Talonflame is a fire type, so that should make things worse. And how are Poké Balls waterproof? There's no indication in any medium that they are, so if you want to make them waterproof in this region, indicate it.

I do like the introduction to Tesla here. It shows a good amount of her character, and also establishes what she does in the game. I also like how you put the Pokémon the protagonist has in the author's notes, because it can be difficult to see what Pokémon a protagonist has with them in a story that's longer, particularly if they gain a lot.

Looking forward to the next chapter!
1/21 c1 walkswithwheels
First off, as someone who actually played Pokémon Rejuvenation and enjoyed it, I'm glad that you're doing this fic!

Anyway, onto the fic itself. I like what you're doing with the main character. It's easy to tell what some of her traits are, right from the start (e.g. talks using a bit of teenage slang, likes music). It also makes her dialogue unique from other characters.

One thing I would suggest is to give the same treatment to the region and other people. As of a Rejuvenation player, I know a lot of the things you're talking about. But since Rejuvenation is not that well-known, most other readers might not.

For example, the ship. What's it like? Is it luxurious and grand? Looking grand, but small on the inside? Is there favorite part? What about some parts that are mentioned in the game, like the piano and what eventually happens to it?

And what about other major characters, like Nancy? It's clear she's a celebrity, but what type of celebrity is she? Does she just ignore her daughter, or want to spend time with her, but can't due to her job? And what does Nancy look like? Does she look the same as in the game?

Also, the conversation with Crescent is supposed to have the player eavesdropping. Did you choose to omit that here? If so, indicate it.

Finally, this is a bit of a personal nitpick, but I wouldn't use the dividers except for author's notes. The main reason is that the writing looks a little less professional because published work does not use dividers. It also can be hard to see in the work itself, because the dividers are gray and the page is white.

Some other ways you can indicate transitions are using an asterisk trio, or simply saying whose point of view it is. You can also use a transition line (the one about Ayame leaving the room and Nancy watching her leave is a good example), so you don't have to use any other indications.

Other than that, keep up the good work, and I will be looking forward to where you go with this story!
1/9 c4 Shadestrider
Haven't checked this out in so long... I still want a chapter 5.

Star Wars the Last Jedi disappointed us by having Rey being even more of a Mary Sue. Don't make the same mistake here.
12/10/2017 c1 25AquilaTempestas
Hello, hello!

I finally got around to checking this out.

It's been a really long time since I've read anything on FFN so this will be fun. I don't often read OC stories but Ayame seems okay thus far. I'm not seeing any alarming signs of 'mary sue' so that's a good start.

A fan made region is interesting. Do you have a map or something of it so it's easier to visualize?

Writing wise, it's easy to follow which is good : ) You certainly don't want to overcomplicate things.

~Aquila
6/15/2017 c1 Guest
When is chapter 6 coming?
6/4/2017 c2 ShadeStrider3
I think this chapter did really well in moving the plot along.

I cannot wait to see Melia and Venam in this Story.
5/26/2017 c1 Seki108
Well, I haven't read this ye, since I was waiting for version 9 to drop before starting my first playthrough. Not sure how long that will be delayed by Jan's computer problems. I hope to enjoy this when I start with the game formal.
5/23/2017 c1 ShadeStrider3
This is Shadestrider. Writing another review of this Fanfiction.

Seriously, you have got to continue this. This Fanfiction looks like it would be a nice read.

Ayame looks like she could be a really good character.

I'm sorry that it didn't get much attention when it was posted on Version 9's Status Thread.
5/19/2017 c1 Phanton
Hey this is pretty awesome and I'd like to see it continue
5/18/2017 c1 ShadeStrider
I was sent here from the V9 Status Thread.

This actually looks like it could be good. Please make sure that the MC is not a Mary Sue.

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