for Factorio effect11/22/2017 c4 
2BJ Hanssen
This is interesting. Some formatting issues - missing punctuation in places, paragraphs that run too long and should be broken up, improper punctuation where transitioning between dialogue and narration - but the story is interesting, and beyond the technicalities it's fairly well written. Followed.
2BJ HanssenThis is interesting. Some formatting issues - missing punctuation in places, paragraphs that run too long and should be broken up, improper punctuation where transitioning between dialogue and narration - but the story is interesting, and beyond the technicalities it's fairly well written. Followed.
7/16/2017 c4 AlexiusWolf
I like your idea. Your style is spotty, skipping from one idea to another without bridges. So your story is missing a proper flow and isn't compact enough. But as I said I like your idea. I played both games and enjoyed them immensely. Never thought about cross between them and you captured my attention. So, what do you plan to do with this story? Hope you don't just up and left it as this. It would be a shame, it has some potential.
I like your idea. Your style is spotty, skipping from one idea to another without bridges. So your story is missing a proper flow and isn't compact enough. But as I said I like your idea. I played both games and enjoyed them immensely. Never thought about cross between them and you captured my attention. So, what do you plan to do with this story? Hope you don't just up and left it as this. It would be a shame, it has some potential.
7/14/2017 c4 rfpizzle
It's good so far. I have no idea what factorio is (aside from knowing it's a game) but I don't imagine it's too important to the plot...?
Just make sure you don't do too much buildup to things (yeah, it's a tight balance between too much and not enough). What I mean by that is try not to stall too much with what's going to be the opening act of the story-i.e. the grand reveal coming up.
Hope to see more soon :)
RFP
It's good so far. I have no idea what factorio is (aside from knowing it's a game) but I don't imagine it's too important to the plot...?
Just make sure you don't do too much buildup to things (yeah, it's a tight balance between too much and not enough). What I mean by that is try not to stall too much with what's going to be the opening act of the story-i.e. the grand reveal coming up.
Hope to see more soon :)
RFP
7/8/2017 c3 6Tio Brony
-I few seconds later the still open comms channel crackled to life "Cease fire! Cease fire! We're non hostile Cease fire!" I internally grinned as Jennifer Hales voice came over the voice channel, not quite desperate, but most definitely distressed.-
Edit pls. So much repeat.
6Tio Brony-I few seconds later the still open comms channel crackled to life "Cease fire! Cease fire! We're non hostile Cease fire!" I internally grinned as Jennifer Hales voice came over the voice channel, not quite desperate, but most definitely distressed.-
Edit pls. So much repeat.
6/19/2017 c4 Guest
So the system they jumped from was about 60 light years away, and according to joker they were traveling at 100x the speed of light? But that means that it would have gamen them about half a year to reach the other side. When it comes to science fiction 100x the speed of light is ludicrously slow.
So the system they jumped from was about 60 light years away, and according to joker they were traveling at 100x the speed of light? But that means that it would have gamen them about half a year to reach the other side. When it comes to science fiction 100x the speed of light is ludicrously slow.
6/15/2017 c4 17Silverscale
The only mistake I can see is that your chapter is just too darn short! It needs more filling! Mostly because it is awesome and this site needs more awesome like this. I am sooooo looking forward to what comes next! :D
17SilverscaleThe only mistake I can see is that your chapter is just too darn short! It needs more filling! Mostly because it is awesome and this site needs more awesome like this. I am sooooo looking forward to what comes next! :D
6/14/2017 c4 Blaze1992
Hmm I like the fact it's both a insert and the insert will be a Tech person instead of the usual warrior inserts everyone uses. Though this whole back and forth thing is both annoying and confusing.
I have a question though what Tech exactly will be made to be used by your OC? Can we expect tech/gear/weapons/armors/ships not native to ME or what ever Factorio is? For instance your OC making StarCraft Terran tech or perhaps CIS tech from SW: Clone wars.
Hmm I like the fact it's both a insert and the insert will be a Tech person instead of the usual warrior inserts everyone uses. Though this whole back and forth thing is both annoying and confusing.
I have a question though what Tech exactly will be made to be used by your OC? Can we expect tech/gear/weapons/armors/ships not native to ME or what ever Factorio is? For instance your OC making StarCraft Terran tech or perhaps CIS tech from SW: Clone wars.
6/5/2017 c3 1pyrothekid
im going to be brutally honest here, you are not a good writer. but you are not a bad one.
good idea. this whole thing isnt just the same re-canned crap you can find in other fics.
new idea. i havent seen anything like this before and i want to see where it goes.
- lack of line breaks. very hard to read it and notice people talking.
- transitions. going from past to present that much plus the lack of line breaks makes the reader have little to no idea if he is now in the past or present.
- no context for the "come and let me send you to 'death' as you did my people" line. is he randomly a prothean now? if he is still human this makes no sense, if he is an AI that still doesnt make sense, if he is a prothean that does make sense but when would he of randomly became a prothean? the whole thing about him fragmenting his mind to do more then 1 thing at a time makes no sense if he is anything other then an AI.
- when did any of these things get built? dont get me wrong i like a story that starts at the end then works its way back to the end from the start, but it feels like a deus ex machina. all of this feels like it was just pulled out of a hat when you remembered you forgot something, you didnt spend a few chapters going over all this being built when you really should of.
- lack of detail. it feels like this is just one big rush to the end rather then a story. any good story should be about the ride just as much as the end or more. i know im going a bit overboard but first impressions DO matter more then most people think.
in conclusion, this wont go very far if you change sweet FA. i really hope this is just a case of a shitty start for a good story.
the real question is what happens once you read my review, will you try to get better or will you keep going as you are now? im going to be really pissed if the site just eats my review...
1pyrothekidim going to be brutally honest here, you are not a good writer. but you are not a bad one.
good idea. this whole thing isnt just the same re-canned crap you can find in other fics.
new idea. i havent seen anything like this before and i want to see where it goes.
- lack of line breaks. very hard to read it and notice people talking.
- transitions. going from past to present that much plus the lack of line breaks makes the reader have little to no idea if he is now in the past or present.
- no context for the "come and let me send you to 'death' as you did my people" line. is he randomly a prothean now? if he is still human this makes no sense, if he is an AI that still doesnt make sense, if he is a prothean that does make sense but when would he of randomly became a prothean? the whole thing about him fragmenting his mind to do more then 1 thing at a time makes no sense if he is anything other then an AI.
- when did any of these things get built? dont get me wrong i like a story that starts at the end then works its way back to the end from the start, but it feels like a deus ex machina. all of this feels like it was just pulled out of a hat when you remembered you forgot something, you didnt spend a few chapters going over all this being built when you really should of.
- lack of detail. it feels like this is just one big rush to the end rather then a story. any good story should be about the ride just as much as the end or more. i know im going a bit overboard but first impressions DO matter more then most people think.
in conclusion, this wont go very far if you change sweet FA. i really hope this is just a case of a shitty start for a good story.
the real question is what happens once you read my review, will you try to get better or will you keep going as you are now? im going to be really pissed if the site just eats my review...
6/1/2017 c3 zealous specter
nice chapter but can you please break up the text wall's. It's hard to read conversation's when they are encapsulated in the fortress of text wallington. it's very easy for people(me) to miss the quotation marks when they are like this.
nice chapter but can you please break up the text wall's. It's hard to read conversation's when they are encapsulated in the fortress of text wallington. it's very easy for people(me) to miss the quotation marks when they are like this.
5/31/2017 c3 frankieu
nice chapter interesting death ya have wonder if he droped anny more hints
small not the least bit with cease fire its not hostile i think not now hostile dont think thats the right or smart thing to say when ya target locked by so many guns
nice chapter interesting death ya have wonder if he droped anny more hints
small not the least bit with cease fire its not hostile i think not now hostile dont think thats the right or smart thing to say when ya target locked by so many guns
5/29/2017 c2 C. Campbell
An interesting combination, can't wait to see how it turns out.
An interesting combination, can't wait to see how it turns out.