9/8/2020 c1 AVL04
Why didn't ya give him Proto Excalibur? IT's an EX-ranked NP, Excalibur Morgan ain't on the same level, it's just Excalibur but at full potential lol.

3/4/2020 c1 1AmanoRyo
Chapter 1 in a nutshell: Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Shit~
Shit, Shit, Shit, Shit, Shit, Fuck Shit~

Are you really Asian? Cause that was Unasian like to say the least

9/1/2018 c3 Raphaim
interesting and full of potential, but highly cringeworthy and forced.

4/21/2018 c3 klim770
I feel that MC is some kind of a loser I irl and ur trying to make his story dramatic but it's not successful

12/27/2017 c3 19Boyzilla
Going to critique here, but let me start off with the fact that this story had many, many potential aspects and ideas that would have made an interesting plot if it wasn't so executely poorly. I mean, a lot, you have no idea how much of a difference you could have done making the Christain God himself for a familia, including Fate into the mix with its large informative magic system.

Here we are introduced to our protagonsit, man in his thirithes who acts like he's in his twenties, is a gamer and anime fan, seems like a self-insert, which is fine if done well. You established his religious, but didn't clarify what religion other than it being generalized Christainity. He died and is revived in Orario as a Demi-Servant of Proto-Saber with Alter's Excalibur, thankfully retaining throughout his religious idealogy to God, but only briefly in the story... It seemed like you kind of forget about it now and then.

This is where the story starts to down spiral. It's clear the story is more of a comedic (poor, but had its moments) and self empowerment. I don't know how the protagonist suddenly had gotten the information on how to even use his Demi-Servant body, least of all his Noble Phantasm right off the bat! Unlike Mash, Tony was not raised with the schooling knowledge of being a magus, and it took Mash, under very specific circumstances, tutored by another Heroic Spirit, and having a Master, to even use a incomplete version of her NP, and she didn't have all her skills, and required other singularities to give her better experiance.

The Magic System in Fate is a complicated one, there are so many factors to take in account. We can somewhat assume that Tony is getting the neccessary prana (magical energy) from his connection to his God through the blessing, which allows him to even use his Demo-Servant form. But, as you yourself wrotr, God works through the person's actions, he doesn't give them out all willy nilly. So Tony should be struggling to even use his Demi-Servant body skillfully and sure as hell shouldn't be going down to the Deep Floors (which btw, takes DAYS to journey back from) he would have been killed due to inexperiance, lack of knowledge, and inapptitude. Demi-Servant isn't Install, the two are different, as Install overwrites the person's existance to have all the experiance and skill of the Servant, where Demi-Servant doesn't overwrite, more akin to being given the potential to a good Servant given time and experiance.

Moving on to the more religious side, Johova, Yahweh, or just God. There is so much you could have done with this. Especially in a anime with foriegn gods. One of the Ten Commands is, after all, "Thou have shall no others before me." And another being "Thou shall not worship false idols."

You could have had the magical energy granted to his body dependant on his religious connection with God (a belief function, which is a common measure of a diety's power). And by breaking these Commandments, lose a measure of his power. Especially with the inclusion of Esos, a huge temptation in herself, he might have 'joined' her famaili, but his blessing is not from her, so she can't update his status, only view it.

Of course, I'm not the writer. So the story proceeds as you would have it. On grammar, well, leaves much to be improved on. You don't need to capitlize whole sentences to get the point of surprise or shock across, also, slow down, pace yourself more throughly. It's amazing how pacing oneself and being patient while writing can drastically improve your skill. Another suggestion I offer is to read your chapter out loud to yourself, I recommend when writing a few paragraphs go back to what you wrote, read aloud, and fix it up, then continue where you left off, repeating the process now and then. It truly helps out!

As for Mordred, I haven't really seen enough of her to make a critique. But I think she's relatively in character so far. But perhaps wanting to prove herself by creating a vast familia and leading it might be her goal, as she'll never follow Tony as a King (She herself wants to be King.)

That's all I have to say, interesting ideas. Good luck on your continuing writing of the chapters!

9/28/2017 c3 captain Orion Zete
put crack in the titles man

9/1/2017 c1 10PervyPanda
Seems interesting.
But ton-ton? Rly? I can't help but think of ton-ton from Naruto