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for The Non-existent Quotient

7/20/2017 c1 17dtill359
Just popping over from the WA forum. Wow. I know nothing about Psycho-pass, but very much enjoyed your story. Just one super quick nit-pick: there's one spot where you have the words "Sybil approved," and just reading it that way was a bit awkward. Have you thought about hyphenating it?

Anyway, great story. And good luck in the challenge.
7/19/2017 c1 34VST
Hi, Shadowcrest Nightingale,

Here from the WA Character Development Challenge. Congratulations on completing your story for the challenge.

I'm completely fandom blind but found your referenced primer quite helpful before starting my read.

It was sad thinking of how a single test could determine the course of the rest of a person's life, but in reality, something similar happens quite frequently even in our society, though not quite so overtly. Emi's obviously worried as she awaits her results.

The story was pretty easy to follow but the one part that tripped me up a bit is how she picked up on the strangers being dangerous. Their mode of dress and their mannerisms were well described but I still couldn't understand Emi's initial concern on seeing them outside the window ((...she stiffened.)) until she caught the second one's eyes and his hungry, searching look. Perhaps she saw it all together or was their look alone so much out of the ordinary that she would have grown frightened prior to noticing the strange eyes? An extra sentence or two to clarify why she became concerned so quickly might help future readers.

The events that followed were shocking and sad to the young lady, but her understanding that she was about to be given an opportunity in the Sibyl System that the Enforcers would never have made the whole situation sadder still.

I didn't notice any obvious writing issues in my casual read. Great job with your thought provoking story and best wishes in the contest.
7/13/2017 c1 2NNeko
Nice, that's why I always come time by time to check old fandoms, hope I can see you write more
7/11/2017 c1 104otherrealmwriter
This is a pretty interesting story and I have to say that you did a good job here. Best of luck on the contest.
7/2/2017 c1 ZadArchie
Well, to begin, the easiest way to my heart is through speculative fiction, and this did not disappoint. Every aspect of this world was well-developed for such a small vignette. I think what really made this story was how well you were able to use the "show don't tell" aspect of writing that every writer strives for. In essence, what I'm saying is that this story is everything I am not as a writer, and I love it! In fact, I would even go so far as to say that the end-notes are really not needed because the you were able to create such a clear picture for readers. I couldn't wait to keep reading to find out what was going to happen next. Good luck in the challenge, but you won't need it.

Best,
Zad

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